I’m a single parent with multiple kids in activities, and elder care. Finding time to tour colleges that are hours away is going to be hard. My dad has been trying to take my kid to this destination for years and this is the first time the stars have aligned.
So saying, oh we’ll just find another time seems unrealistic, even though we’ve got more than a year to work with.
Both younger kids are kids who could potentially be candidates for top schools. But a lot can happen between 13 and 18.
Definitely. Your sister is setting her kids up for a lot of stress. I think the most you can do is make sure your kids know that you don’t share your sister’s values. Maybe give a go-to line if the subject is brought up in a negative way. “I am excited about the schools I am applying to and I would rather you not try to diminish the experience for me.”
I think this is just a negative dynamic between two siblings. I feel like the OP thinks the sister is saying her child has a chance to go to a top university, and the OP’s child does not. Maybe, maybe not, maybe sister doesn’t think it’s fair that grandpa is only focusing on one grandchild, who knows. I don’t think the OP’s child will be harmed by a tour, and I certainly don’t think a middle schooler will benefit from it. Maybe compromise and stop bu prestige university for a look at the bookstore (middle schooler can buy a shirt) and lunch at the dining hall.
Sounds like your kid already has his head on straight and is focused on the right things: which schools fit his needs/direction. IMHO, smaller schools with a great reputation in a specific major can be a better choice than a top 20 school for many reasons. They can have similar success rate, possibly better support (more interested in finding “fits” for students than weeding them out), possibly more accessible opportunities (due to department size and competition), etc. etc. If he’s already figured out what’s important, I’d try to focus on being proud about that and try to ignore the other stuff.
I don’t think it’s a big deal either way, just make sure you communicate with your son. He’s probably already heard all the comparisons of the different types of schools already, and yeah, it’s way more annoying when it’s your aunt/cousin, but probably isn’t something he hasn’t run across already.
It sounds like he’s got a great parent who has his back, which is the most important thing out of all this. For the original question, it’s probaby worth talking with your dad to help him manage expectations. Your kid’s college should be the first priority for tours. I think any other tours would have to fit in around the context of the trip. For me, I wouldn’t care if they toured a college that is out of reach for my kid – but you know your kid and the family dynamic way better, so talking to your dad is probably a good idea.
You should also talk to your sister if you think she’s subtly putting down your kid (even if indirectly by saying a certain school is beneath her child - that’s total crap).
In that case, I’ll go back to your post and note the concern that your son’s preferred schools will look inferior to what your sister would want for her kid. This dynamic will not be limited to the trip, so brace yourself and remember and share the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
The best argument against adding another school visit is that it’s too early to be targeting schools for a middle schooler. But that’s an argument you can’t make because it’s calling parenting choices into question.
Unless the grandfather is unwilling to change the itinerary for an additional tour, you could be stuck. I would not assume, however, that a highly ranked school is going to present better. Those schools are not always under much pressure to impress anyone with their food or housing, trust me.
Oh, and to reiterate about how T20 schools don’t always shine the best, for S23, we toured a couple of T20 schools (which were all hard reaches), and he ended up only applying to 1, and only that one b/c it was a state flagship and I’m an alumni from grad school. Overall they just did nothing for him, and he liked his mix of schools better…
She’s definitely saying that. And it’s true. I don’t deny that both younger kids are stronger students than he is. I don’t think he needs that fact brought up over and over.
He’s not only focusing on one kid. They have planned multiple things for this trip, including things each kid is excited about. For example, they’re going to a game for nephew’s favorite sport at the reach college, and stopping to tour a historical site my nephew asked to see. The thing that made them choose this destination is something that my youngest is particularly excited about.
So they’re already going to be on the campus of the reachy school your sister is keen on?
Yes. I feel like attending a sporting event is totally different from taking an admissions tour, and way more age appropriate for 13 year olds.
Right, but she’s got a thirteen-year-old and, if expressed, that view (which I generally share) will come off as critical of her parenting choices. I mean, they’ll be on the campus and there’s no avoiding the comparison mindset around college selectivity. The only protection against that for your son is helping him know himself and feel confident in his decisions.
Focus on what is within your control. By the time that middle schooler is applying to college, your kid will be an adult planning his future. If you take your sister’s ambitions and competitiveness in stride, your kid will follow your lead.
I have a friend who was like that when our kids were applying for schools. Everybody, especially the kids who were friends with her kids, saw through a lot of it and it became a running joke.
I’m used to dealing with nonsensical people. I’d probably tell my sister she was so brave for suggesting her middle schooler attend the college tours, and add I’m a bit worried after talking to other parents that my middle schooler will find the college tours so boring he’s likely to refuse to apply either of these schools when the time comes.
I guess now I’m feeling more sorry for the thirteen-year-olds.
As the parent of one of the thirteen year olds, I wonder why you include both.
I feel very sorry for my nephew. I just don’t have control there.
Well, your thirteen year old is going to be dragged onto the tour too, right? But, to your point, at least he’s not being pressured from an early age on college selectivity like his cousin, so there’s that.
He might choose to go along, because he’s curious, or to support his brother. They are pretty close. But he doesn’t have to, they are bringing their bikes and they could go off on their bikes or something.
My HSer might have to go on the other tour because I think you have to have a HS student to sign up. I could be wrong about that though. He signed himself up for the other tour, so I haven’t actually tried signing up for a college tour.
I will say that if my sister is being competitive about where my older kid goes, it’s not going to get better when the two of them are applying in the same year.
So, long term I feel sorry for everyone, but I do think my youngest will be fine on the trip.
In my experience, boys travel on their stomachs.
As long as grandpa is keeping everyone fed and hydrated, the tours will be fine! One of my kids discovered that at college, you serve yourself from the fro-yo or soft ice cream machine.
That was it. No matter where or when another college trip was being discussed, the younger one would pipe up “If we’re eating lunch in the dining hall, I’m in!”