ultimately, the decision of whether to visit 1 or 2 colleges on this road trip is up to your dad.
you & your sister are now basically disagreeing on where your dad should take the grandkids to go on a college tour. Your dad might want to do something to appease everybody.
Choose wisely whether you want to push the matter and insist that your dad only takes the grandkids to visit the not-tippy-top-university on the road trip. This will introduce an element of competition/competing for your dad’s attention. But something tells me that your sister is a little neurotic and already is hyper competitive about a lot of things.
YOU have power to guide YOUR son on this. What neither you or he can control, of course, is the peanut gallery. Who’s in the peanut gallery? His middle school cousin. And, truthfully, his grandfather. Why is your dad in the peanut gallery? Because grandparents, if they went to college, attended so long ago that they honestly have no clue how college admissions works these days.
Consider showing your son some stuff on the “Your College Bound Kid” website. Start listening to their podcast. Start using some of their catch phrases periodically around your son…stuff like “College is match to be made, not a prize to be won.”
Teach your son about the art of “smile and nod” when foolish people like your sister go off and try to make him feel bad about himself because he didn’t get into or isn’t applying to Top 20 colleges.
GUIDE your son re: the visit to Tippy Top U. Encourage him to look at tour #2 from the point of view of “what’s the vibe on a campus like this?”, “Would a college similar to this be a good fit for me?”, “How easy would it be to travel home for breaks at a school like this one, located near here, etc.?” That sort of thing. It’s a different point of view. Sort of like going on ANY big university college tour, but you do it with the intent of deciding if you prefer big colleges or smaller ones.
REMIND your son before the road trip that he doesn’t have to listen to Aunt Neurotic. Remind him that Aunt Neurotic isn’t aware/knowledgeable enough yet to know that the odds of Middle School Cousin getting into Lottery University are slim. Remind him that if the ivy league colleges ONLY admitted students who were valedictorians and had perfect GPAs and test scores, they could fill their incoming freshmen classes many times over. Knowledge is power. Forewarned is also forearmed.
REMIND your son that there are thousands of colleges and universities in the United States and there’s bound to be more than one that will not only be affordable for your family, but will have the right mix of academics your son is looking for, and would be a place he’ll be happy to attend for 4 years.
And in the meantime, ignore your sister’s ridiculousness. She’s going to drive her offspring bananas throughout high school.
Let her sign her son up if she can. Don’t let your son sign up. He’s not interested in going there. He doesn’t need to sign up for the tour. Your sister sounds like a piece of work!
I might be in the minority here, but it sounds like they are going to School B anyways so your kid, who may or may not be a recruited athlete there someday, can watch a game. What’s the big deal if they spend an extra hour so her kid can walk around and see some of the academic buildings? Perhaps her kid doesn’t want to spend 3 hours watching a sporting event? Family trips are often about compromise. If it were me, I’d let it go.
you can be happy, or you can be right. You only get to pick one.
be like Elsa and let it go.
odds are high that the middle school cousin will be totally bored and uninterested on tour of Tippy Top U and will whine the entire time about “Are we done yet? When is this over?” Especially if this will be tour #2 on the trip. Thus, it will not have the desired effect that your sister hopes for.
Just to be clear, I am not rooting for my sister’s plan to fail. I think it is a ridiculous plan, but my nephew is a great kid. I hope he ends up at a great school for him. If it’s this one I will be happy and maybe he will have a cousin down the road.
ETA: I am hoping for my sister’s plan to get my Dad to take them on this tour will fail. So, I guess I am hoping for her to fail in one way.
But if they go, then I hope that my nephew does well and has a good experience on the tour and that if he decides he likes it, and still likes it down the road, he wins the admissions lottery and gets in. I’m not hoping that he’ll get bored and act up.
Grandpa wants to take his grandkids - your two and your sister’s one on a trip - including one college tour.
Your sister is trying to steer which school that will be toured, vs. you getting to choose.
That school may not be an appropriate match for your kid
And you want to opt out and skip the tour - just because your kid wouldn’t be interested?
Do I have that right?
hmmm - if I do, no reason to get in a family fight over something so inconsequential.
Go on the tour, have fun with the sibling and cousin, and it’s over. Not a huge deal at all.
We all were dragged by parents/relatives to things we didn’t want to do. I still have nighmares from Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur services - year after year.
But somehow I moved past it without harm.
Unless I’m mis reading, it seems much ado about - I won’t say nothing but…
Grandpa and S28 (aka middler schooler) had been planning a trip to see X for a while. X is a tourist site that appeals to people in a specific hobby that the two of them share.
Grandpa offered to help me with college tours for S26. One of his top choices is really close to X, so they planned a trip to see X and College A.
Grandpa invited N28, and added things to the itinerary that reflect N28’s interests.
Grandpa shared the itinerary with Sister, who expressed some very negative opinions about College A and asked that they switch to College B instead, saying it would be more “motivating”. College B is a school that S26 would not be admitted to, not “may not” but “would not”.
Grandpa said no. He’d promised to take S26 to College A, and that S26 and I both thought it was a good fit.
Sister then expressed concern that somehow College A would rub off on her kid and that they should add something to counteract it.
Grandpa pointed out that they already have plans to see a game at College B.
Sister continues to be upset about the unfairness of the situation.
I don’t want it communicated to my kid that their first choice school is something that needs to be “counteracted”. To be honest, I know he knows his aunt feels that way. I’m banking on the fact that he’s figured out his aunt is ridiculous. I don’t want him to see his Grandfather, who he admires and is very close to, supporting that logic.
Your dad sounds grounded, and I imagine if you chatted with him and reiterated your position (which sounds like it’s also his position), he’d continue to be aligned with you.
It helps that the sequence was “see X w/ S28” → “help S26 with college search” → “hey, let’s invite N28 along”. If your sister is that concerned that school A would rub off on N28 in a negative way, it seems the best option is to just leave N28 home from this trip.
Instead of thinking of this as a competing college thing, I’d think of it (and maybe talk about it to sis) as ‘each kid is choosing 1-2 things to do on a boys trip with grandpa’. Her kid gets to see a ball game, your kid gets a college tour, etc. It’s reasonable for all of them to do things that they don’t love to support their sibling/cousins, but it’s not reasonable to eliminate one boy’s thing to add an additional item for somebody who has already gotten to pick an activity for the trip. So, adding a tour for one kid while they are already on campus to watch a ball game - not a big deal, although some of the boys may choose to go eat a snack rather than going on another tour. Adding the sports school tour instead of the potential college for the high schooler - not OK. And, I don’t really understand the tour for a middle schooler - wandering around on college campuses is cool. Going on official tours…not particularly exciting, and only useful if you have an idea of what you are looking for in a college, which most middle schoolers aren’t.
I would let grandpa make the final decision. Talk to him and tell him how much you appreciate that he is taking these kids on a trip and as long as college A is on the agenda you would be more than happy for your son to attend any other activity he deems appropriate.
Then have a talk with your tenth grader and let them know how excited you are that he will get to see the college he is interested in. Talk about how college B is going to be a “just for fun visit” to see what “tippy top” is all about.
It’s like when I love to go to an open house at the local mansion. I know I can’t have it but I sure like to see it. Sometimes I’m like, “oh that would be fun to have” and often times it’s “I don’t really want or need that feature”
Seriously, it’s just part of life that some people will always have or get more than what you have. My high schoolers were very well aware of that fact as we have some similarities in family dynamics in that there are cousins who get everything they’ve ever wanted and my kids did not. Made my kids more grounded and they have no jealousy or animosity toward their cousin.
Both moms need to stay out of it and let grandpa decide.
I like to look at mansions too! But I guess to me it feels like this.
You’ve been working hard and scrimping and saving to buy your first home, and are excited to hear there’s a 2BR/1BA apartment for sale in your budget in your desired neighborhood.
You call your sister and say “Hey, I’m planning to go see a potential home this weekend. Do you want to come? We can get lunch at X restaurant after, my treat.”
Your friend says “sure”.
You text the link for the apartment, and they reply “Eww gross, I would never live there! Who wants to share a bathroom with the kids? Why don’t we look at this one instead” and texts a link for a $5 million dollar mansion.
Of course I am aware that there are people who have master bathrooms, and back yards. I’m not an idiot. I’m not generally jealous, I tour them and think “Who would want to clean that many bathrooms!” But, I don’t need it rubbed in my face when I’m excited about finally getting my own apartment. Timing is everything!
I will say that if she’d said the equivalent of “That apartment is adorable! You know, I heard there’s this mansion around the corner going on sale. Would you want to check it out for fun? I’m curious what could justify a $5M price tag in that same area!” I would probably have said “That sounds like fun!”
This is sounding more and more like ordinary sister drama and less and less about colleges and your son.
Just a thought.
My siblings and I agreed a long time ago to try NOT to impose our stuff on our kids. We had seen with our own upbringing how easy it is for the “I’m not speaking to her” or “She stole grandpa’s valuable set of Time magazines after he passed without asking” drama to get passed down- and really, the cousins don’t need to be part of it, do they?
Yes, it is painful to muzzle yourself constantly or periodically. But the payoff is that the cousins get to relate to each other as they see fit and as time emerges… and not play out the previous generations issues.
I understand your apartment analogy 1000% and it resonates with me very personally.
But my therapist helped me see when it was really about the siblings and NOT about something else. Your son will be fine for the two hours on this campus, whether he goes along for the tour or gets himself a smoothie at the student center. And it will not shake his self confidence one iota unless you turn this into WW III with your dad and sis.
I was about to come here to say the same thing. It sounds like more of an issue with the sister than the actual college visit.
This sounds like a wonderful memorable trip with grandpa no matter what the outcome of this issue is. Trust that your 10th grader already knows that this school will be out of reach for him. He should already be aware of this in 10th grade and if not then 10th grade is the perfect time to learn this rather than senior year when applications are going in.
The discussion to be had should be more about how to react and deal with the things said and done by the sister/aunt. You can only control how you react to these situations, you can not control what your sister is going to say and do.
I stand by my suggestion of letting grandpa (and the kids) decide the activities for the trip. It’s not going to harm the 10th grader to take this tour but you could harm the relationship with grandpa or the cousins if you continue to dig in your heels about this. The relationship with the sister/aunt is another whole issue.
This absolutely! I managed to keep some cohesion of family for my kids and their cousins despite my sister…a model of passive aggression and ulterior motives.
My three are now well into their twenties. They grew to well understand the dysfunction in my family on their own and are grateful that I handled it with minimal drama. They are even more grateful for our immediate family which values honesty and selflessness and support for one another.
But man…nothing like a sibling to dig into where they know they can get a reaction. I still have to repeat to myself “I will not let her push my buttons!”
@Sportsball, your kids seem to have a great parent and grandfather to ground them. Sometimes other (not so great) family members just serve to make them appreciate what you are providing.
I wouldn’t go on an official tour of a school that is totally out of reach.
That said, when we were in the bay area one time, touring other schools, we did walk around Stanford one evening after dinner. My kids were not applying to Stanford, but we were in the area, it was a nice summer evening, we wanted to take a walk, and Stanford has a nice campus.
Thus, it will not have the desired effect that your sister hopes for.