Hello! I am a trans female prospective student (junior, looking ahead) looking at colleges. I’ve never been the most visibly “trans” trans person- all of my friends are cis women, I pass quite well and have been going stealth with all who didn’t know me before I transitioned for years, I’ve been on hormones for multiple years and I haven’t attended an LGBTQIA+ event in years (or at least a gender-specific one- I attended one lesbian pride march in June). When considering on-campus housing, most of the schools I’m considering offer some form of gender-diverse housing, which students can opt into or out of. However, from what I can gather, most participants in gender-diverse housing are other trans students- and while I’m absolutely positive there are plenty of trans people out there who I would get along with, out of the 30 or 40 trans and nonbinary students in my high school, there was a grand total of 1 that I actually liked (and around 5 that I tolerated)- not at all because of their identities, but just based on the normal things that would determine platonic chemistry- interests, personality, and the like. Based on that reasonable sample size, I’m guessing the chances are reasonably low that I’d end up with someone (whether mtf, ftm, or nb) I would click with, just like they would be if I was placed with a cis man.
Many of these schools also offer trans students who do not opt into gender-diverse housing to be placed with members of their preferred gender in single-gender housing. However, I’m really worried about making someone else uncomfortable, who might not be the most accepting person and certainly wasn’t expecting to be placed with a trans girl, even a passing one. And since I won’t be able to get “the surgery” until summer after freshman year, I’ll still have… that concern to deal with for my first year. While I’ve roomed with cis girls on numerous overnight school trips in high school, they were almost all people I knew from progressive backgrounds- and we were never together for more than four nights at a time anyway.
Does anyone else have any recommendations for what I should do? Thank you so much!
I think this is going to vary so much from school to school that there isn’t much you can do about it now except gather information about dorm policies at the schools you are considering.
At my S23’s college all kinds of people room in the gender inclusive housing. (It is one of the few dorms with AC!) I know of LGBTQ+ kids in those dorms, but also plenty of kids who aren’t and who are open to “whoever” as a roommate and just like that particular dorm.
I’m sure at some colleges there might be a narrower range of people choosing gender inclusive housing, but that is why you should get the specific info for potential schools.
ETA: I also know of trans kids outside the gender inclusive housing at my son’s school, fwiw.
Look for schools with gender inclusive housing to give you the most options (it’s hard to suggest any without knowing more about you and what you want, but there are plenty out there). This is something that you’ll probably have to figure out when you have acceptances in hand, but gender-inclusive housing might be a good start. You might also ask if first-years have the option of a single, or an in-suite single (i.e., a suite with a common area but individual bedrooms). Those are often desirable rooms that get snapped up by upperclassmen, but it’s worth asking about.
Bathrooms probably don’t matter as much (unless you’re in a state with a bathroom law, but you might prefer to avoid those), but plenty of dorms have either single-use bathrooms or gender-inclusive bathrooms.
I would reach out to housing at a few schools you might be interested in, just to see what’s available. At my younger daughter’s school (Michigan State) there is gender-inclusive housing, as well as singles available for those with a need, medical or otherwise. I seem to recall a housing option where students can indicate they don’t mind a roommate of the opposite gender.
At that school, all toilets have stalls and most showers have locking stalls. In suite-style, the bathroom does not lock from the inside so no one gets locked out of the bathroom (but that might vary based on school). Most floors have single locking hallway bathrooms available.
I think most schools (with maybe some regional exceptions) have become more understanding of all kinds of differences. For sure, reach out early and talk to someone over the phone about your situation.
Maybe spend some time thinking about the rooming situation you would ideally prefer (cis woman who is chill in a regular dorm? single in a regular dorm? roommate with a good personality no matter the gender in a LGBTQ+Allies LLC? etc) and then call the LGBTQ+ group on each campus and ask if they have that option.
Gender inclusive housing will include cis students who are comfortable with a trans room mate. Our experience is that the student requested and got a single room on the gender inclusive room the first semester and then after was able to choose a room mate that he wanted. Depending on where you go to school there may also be issues with your official gender marker and which gender you can legally be matched with.
I just moved my daughter into a single for this semester. She’s not trans but her roommate left over winter break and it was going to cost us more to stay in the double room and have her use the whole thing (and she would not be able to, nor want to, contain her stuff to just one side of a double). The buildinng she moved into is something like 90% singles. She’s very happy with that option. It is a shared bathroom down the hall but that’s not a big issue.
I think it will vary a lot by school. Many schools let people room with any gender or have specialty housing. Many have mostly coed dorms now too. Would you be open to any gender or are you more interested in a female (CIS or trans)? I think you could probably let housing know you are not interested in rooming with a CIS male if that’s the case and they will try to match you with someone with similar interests. its unlikely they’d put you in a dorm room with a CIS female who is not open to a trans roomie. Some schools have a big trans population and some don’t.
Do you have any particular schools in mind right now? Folks might be able to give you some insight if you list some schools.
You may end up with a roommate you don’t like. My cis kid didn’t get along with her first year roommate. I don’t see this as a trans-cis issue. Request a single room, if you can. I think you are setting expectations that you won’t like the kids in the lgbtq housing, but remember, college isn’t high school. You will already have in common that you chose that college.
This is absolutely a cis-trans issue. No matter how progressive a school the OP may choose, if their room mate is not comfortable with a trans room mate there can be major safety issues. Violence against trans women is a huge issue and OP is being smart in trying to make sure she will remain safe.
I read the post as she is concerned about not clicking with a roommate and just wants to be with in a dorm with regular students. Did she say she might room with a guy? Her other concern seems to be worry that a roommate might be uncomfortable with her. I’m just saying there are no guarantees that she will like her roommate, whoever it is. Obviously she wants to feel safe.
Hi. I suggest that you research the housing options specifically at each school. As you have mentioned, they vary tremendously, as does the culture. My youngest is non-binary, when we looked at schools, we spent a lot of time learning about the variety of housing options, and whenever possible, talking to students about the cultures in the dorms. We were able to learn a lot about the culture and “vibe” at different schools, and this really helped in the decision making process. What schools “say” (in writing) and how it feels on campus do not always align, so talking to people made a big difference.
They chose a school that felt overall very safe, as they wanted to be able to participate fully in all activities without feeling unwelcome due to gender identity. They have a cis-male roomate this year, after checking no gender preference on the rooming assignment, and it is “okay”. They are not friends, have very different interests and roomate is generally quiet and kind and mediocre about respecting pronouns, but it has not caused a problem for my kiddo who is overall very happy. Their school will be offering an LGBTQ+ housing community next year in a very desirable dorm. My kiddo is considering that, but not sure, as they are also interested in the language community. Like you mentioned, their gender identity is not necessarily the best predictor of who they will get along best with.
My nephew is trans. He will be a freshman next year, and also had the option of a queer housing community, but chose the Arts dorm instead. He will likely have a single, but is open to a roomate and has talked to housing about options. My sister and nephew also prioritzed looking at housing and talking to people when checking out schools.
I don’t have any intention of rooming with a guy- I was just saying that I didn’t get along with the trans guys in my school as much as I didn’t get along with the cis guys. And for context, UW Seattle, USC, NYU, Northwestern, and Chapman are a few of my top options.
You’re really smart to start thinking ahead about this. You’re showing excellent self advocacy.
My youngest of 4 is heading to college in the fall, and I’m a pediatrician who has had patients navigate these circumstances recently. I’ll echo what others have said: different schools handle housing differently.
I’ve found that many schools have incoming students answer very specific questions about housing preferences, including if they are open to living with gender diverse roommates and suitemates. You should not be outed by this process, and it would allow you to live in the housing which works best for you.
However, I would encourage you to call the Residence Life office of each school you are considering and ask to speak to the Director or Assistant Director. The ease with which they explain their housing policies and their procedures for maintaining your confidentiality, as well as their manner and tone during your conversation will likely serve as your best gauge of that school for you.
Best of luck to you. Continue taking good care of yourself
I would talk to the schools housing and to LGBTQ orgs on campus to get the feel /fit of the school and ask for advice. Not the same but my daughter is gay. She let her roommates know that ahead of time. Never, ever, ever an issue.
Honestly, people want kind, fun roommates that are inclusive. I think many would be lucky to have you as a roommate.
As others have said, each school is different and housing should be able to tell you all of your options. If you want a single, many schools have co-ed by room (meaning males and females on the same floor) with gender-inclusive bathrooms (locking shower doors, fully enclosed toilets, etc). Sometimes that is the only bathroom on the floor, and sometimes it is in addition to the single-gender bathrooms. If you want the roommate experience, most schools now have social media pages (snap or insta) where kids can try to find a roommate. That might work better for you than a random match.
I will also add that I noticed on the roommate site my son was on that often people would say something like they were looking for “a female-identifying roommate”. That’s a quick indication that it’s someone who doesn’t care if you are cis or trans. The good thing for you is that it seemed to be universally females that were more gender inclusive. Maybe teen boys just don’t think that way.
S23 is in the Outdoor Leadership RLC which shares a dorm with the Gender Inclusive Housing RLC. It seems like everyone is pretty inclusive. My cis male son, who went to very progressive elementary, middle and high schools, would have been much happier sharing a room with someone who is either trans or of the opposite gender than he is sharing his room with his cis male roommate who cuts his toenails over the carpet and wants to turn out all the lights at 9pm. Be a good roommate and that will go a long way.
My child is non binary and chose a school in a southern state which does not offer gender inclusive housing. I thought that might be difficult, but there are many roommate selection sites where kids can connect before they get to school. So my child knew their roommate before they got to campus and that they got along well. Roommate is definitely cis, and they have their own bathroom en suite, which is probably a must have for trans kids who might feel anxious about dorm bathrooms.
