Transfer essay

<p>I am applying to American U, and was wondering if someone could give me some feedback. I'll post it here for general feedback, and if people would message me, I'd appreciate more in-depth criticism. I got accepted as a freshman and wound up not attending, should I add that? Also, I currently have a 3.16 GPA and in high school I had an unweighted 4.2, should I explain my not-so-stellar grades? </p>

<p>With a twelve hour car ride ahead of me, I had a long time to think. I had just left a Model U.N. conference hosted by Penn, and I reflected on the weekend’s events. What stuck with me was the keynote speaker that kicked off the weekend. As a senior foreign service officer, he expounded on his work in India and South Asia. He explained how he spent years observing the Indian government: its parliament, its legislative process, and characterized it as both intricate and opaque. It was gratifying to see a person gaining a deeper insight into a vibrant democracy. This validated the career path I had chosen.
I entered Michigan State exploring possible paths in other fields of social science, like economics and law. After getting a taste of these fields, I chose my path in the realm of political science. Upon deciding this, I realized that the school is not the best for my needs. While I enjoyed my time at Michigan State, my interests changed and it no longer suits me. I need excellent faculty, and differing perspectives.<br>
American University has earned a reputation , especially the School for International Service, as among the best schools in the nation for international relations and government. This recognition is due in no small part from its distinguished faculty. I am ecstatic for the opportunity to learn from Akbar Ahmed, Ibn Khaldun Chair of Islamic Studies. I have seen him interviewed on CNN and the Daily Show and read Journey into America; the Challenge of Islam over the summer.
Promoting international understanding is another important draw for me. This is a goal at American that is evident in the student body who is from more than 150 countries, the university’s course offerings, and the faculty's research. This emphasis means that I would share my learning experience with a group of students with a variety of enriching perspectives. I am a very open-minded person, eager to learn new ideas and this environment suits me. Entering into an ever-globalizing world, it is indispensable to me to be a part of a community in which diversity is inherent.
By attending American, I plan to contribute in the classroom, stay involved in student organizations, and eventually have a fulfilling career like the speaker at the Model UN conference. My experience at Michigan State helped me gain an understanding of what I want to do academically and professionally. I know I would grow at American, and your program in International Studies perfectly matches my academic interests and professional goals.</p>

<p>I'm going to post this because I'm curious as to what other CC'ers think about what I have to say.</p>

<p>The essay is good and clearly spells out why you want to attend American U. The problem is that you have a blemish, if you will, on your application -- that GPA. If you are trying to position yourself as a passionate academic in your essay, but don't have the help of a GPA to confirm it, what else can you provide on your application that does? Almost certainly the answer will be some sort of writing that 1) explains your current GPA without sounding whiny, 2) showcases how you are an absolute genius in the field of study you're passionate about, or 3) both.</p>

<p>Not addressing the blemish can give the adcom a reason to think twice about you. The goal of your writing should be to cover up blemishes in addition to showing off your strengths.</p>

<p>Hope this helps.

<p>EDIT: I should add that this extra piece of writing I'm mentioning doesn't have to be in the essay you've posted here. Be strategic about your organization in the application: perhaps there's some other opportune place for you to talk about your current GPA?</p>