An interesting NYTimes article…
https://twitter.com/drjaneypeterson/status/641961666645749760
Where’s the link?
You can just search “helicopter daughter” and the link comes right up. I did.
@ ClaremontMom- maybe it’s not working for you? I just clicked on the “How I Became a Helicopter Daughter” and it went to the article. Try this-
Lucky D to have a nice father. One thing bothered me- she BOUGHT so many books- what, don’t they have a public library where she lives??? I can see why mothers do not fare better like fathers do- mothers have done all of the caregiving and likely either are already taking care of many things fathers do not, or they have their own ways and conflicts result. We can’t get my stubborn, nasty old father to live away from his house or do much for him, sigh. In our family one can’t helicopter- attempts can be made but get ignored or resisted. Mother died decades ago.
Instead of trying to start a new thread here’s a related issue. My son plans to visit for Thanksgiving (yes!). He lives across the continent (diagonally). College kids are all flying that week. I’m “helicoptering” my 25 year old by reminding him he needs to make arrangements sooner than later- his track record has given him some terrible flight times/prices in the past. So, here’s my quiz for mothers:
When does taking care of husbands and sons end?
a. When son turns 30 (obviously not when financially independent I have learned)
b. When son gets married (the wife takes over)
c. When husband dies
d. When divorce happens
e. When the wife/mother dies
f. Any/all of the above.
Cynical? Experiences. No matter how competent in a highly skilled job there seem to be so many mundane things that escape my H and S. Plus- all of us are strong willed (stubborn?) so telling someone what to do doesn’t work either.
I’m the organized one I guess. btw- I have held equally powerful jobs in the past, am a woman’s libber et al (the 75 refers to college grad year) so it’s not a matter of being the same style mother as in generations past.
@takeitallin - first time I came to the thread there was nothing there after your comment “An interesting NYTimes article…” But now there is. Glitch in system, or slow to load…who knows!
@wise75 . I don’t know. Had Ds.
Parents caring for parents thread is good.
@wis75 I’m not sure it ever ends but maybe that is my fault. I’m amazed that my husband is able to manage a large number of people at work and yet overlook the simplest little things at home. He seems to think that things at home are just magically planned for. As far as our oldest son (just over age 30) I don’t really get involved in his day to day stuff anymore, partly because of distance and partly because, well, he is 30+. That doesn’t stop me from stressing over whether he will make it home for events on time- I still stress but I keep my mouth shut. For the most part this has worked. He is very spur-of-the-moment and has spent extra hours in airports because of poor planning. I think he has finally decided it is worth it to plan ahead a bit. I still do send reminders to S#2, age 20. He is pretty overwhelmed with school and sports, and I don’t mind reminding him about details still.
I think it depends on the kid/parent and situation. My S has been fairly independent as soon as possible. He does all his own travel arrangements and even helps buy tickets for his younger sister! He lives in his own place and pays all his own bills, has a very healthy retirement account, well as having his own medical insurance plan & hopefully his own medical team near where he lives (tho he sometimes does see docs when he’s in our state). D has been plagued with chronic health issues and we pay most of her bills but we are fortunate that she is very cheerful and philosophical about her health while we all try to maximize it.
Our parents are thankfully still pretty independent, living together in their own home, though they eat nearly all their meals out and try to limit their driving to short distances and daytime. We do try to take mom to MD appointments and remind her about important events and dates. My mom is cheery and uncomplaining but having a lot of short term memory lapses; dad is not as cheery but has a much better memory, even tho he’s 5 years older. They are on a waiting list to move to a SR community, but we think the move will be very tough, since they have managed to totally fill their house with clothes and “stuff” over their 50 years of living there.
in our parents generation, wives helicoptering there husbands was referred to as…nagging. Yikes
Still is if you ask a husband.