<p>My daughter is a sophomore and is living in a university apartment with two girls, one of whom she went to high school with. Their relationship is not going well at the moment, but my daughter has expressed concern (as well as exasperation) with her HS friend. The girl in question has largely stopped going to classes, spends most of her time in the apartment, and seems to be drinking on her own during the day. DD is not sure what to do: because this is an apartment there are no traditional RAs to speak with and because their relationship has broken down, neither DD nor the other roommate feel they can say anything directly. It sounds like depression to me. Any suggestions about how to handle this? I know the family well, but I don’t think they would appreciate either myself or my daughter going in touch about this.</p>
<p>Suggest your daughter make an appointment with the counseling/psychological services office at her university and discuss the situation with a professional.</p>
<p>Call the roommate’s family! You have important information about their daughter. There might be 1% of the population who would not want to be informed. Why would you refrain from telling the parents because of the off chance they might fall in the 1%? Most people want to know if their children are depressed (or are exhibiting signs of depression). Just say, “We are worried about your daughter” and explain why using objective non-judgmental language.</p>
<p>Yes, if it was me I would definitely want to be called, but this situation is weird. The mom is super invested in daughter’s social and academic success and tends to view all other girls as competitors. Would it be acceptable for me to contact the Dean of Students or to encourage my daughter to do so?</p>
<p>The university staff members are mandated reporters. If the girl is self-harming, the university staff would have a responsibility to and power to intervene when a parent might not.</p>
<p>I think it can’t hurt for your D to talk to the dean of students. Honestly…this student will likely be put on academic probation after this semester if she isn’t already, and may be out of the school by the end of the year. This happened to my D1’s freshman year roommate. There wasn’t much D1 could do (and they did live in a dorm, RA wasn’t really able to do anything, either). </p>
<p>Over the years, I’ve known several family friends and classmates of older d who were in this situation. In two cases, the roommates both ended up having to leave school and go to rehab, one was in Tufts and one was in Cornell, so unfortunately drinking to excess and not attending classes and not doing schoolwork does have real-life consequences. </p>
<p>If it were my child I would want to know. The mom’s attitude toward you for telling shouldn’t matter as much as making sure that she gets the information.</p>
<p>The roommates should contact the Dean of Students office. If no one want to “tell tale” give an anonymous call that the DD is falling into a depressive slump at school, or something of the sort. </p>
<p>It’s not just 1% of the parents who get nasty when notified. A lot more And repercussions from the student too. But it’s more important that a tragedy be averted. So get the word to the dept at the school that handles these things and to the parents somehow. I’m an old warhorse at this point in my life, so I’d just call and say without mincing words.</p>
<p>Have your daughter contact the residence life folks. While this isn’t a dorm with RA’s, it is on campus housing. She should speak with the res life director. And I agree, the counseling center also might be able to point her in the right direction.</p>
<p>While this is info I certainly would want to know as a parent, I can’t see where YOU contacting the family is going to have a positive outcome. I would say, this is better handled by the college staff.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone who responded. Both my daughter and I want to do something to help, but we do want to do it in a way that doesn’t make things more difficult for roomie with her parents (which if fear a call from me would do) and which don’t make the living situation any more difficult than it already is (and it is plenty difficult). I’m going to advise daughter to check in with residence office for help and see if they advise contacting Dean of Students. Waiting for student to flunk out is not an option, I think. After all, there are months to go and I’d hate to think of this girl’s slump going on for that long without help. DD did suggest to her that checking in with the counseling office might be helpful, but was basically told to FO.</p>
<p>Um…months? If this kid isn’t going to classes now, it won’t be months. The current term likely ends before Christmas, right?</p>
<p>I’m assuming that if she’s put on academic probation, she’ll still be here next quarter, no? Although actually it might be best if she went home and regrouped.</p>
<p>A lot depends on her family. If she fails all of her classes…why would THEY send her back to college?</p>
<p>But that really has no bearing on what your kiddo,should do! Talke to residence life, and the counseling center…and the dean of students. </p>
<p>If she ends up on academic probation, at least her parents likely will know about it. I really think res life will NOT help if students are living off campus. You give up that support when you leave the college housing system. Dean of students MIGHT be helpful, though. The counseling center can’t really get involved unless the student in question wants them to…</p>