That’s the start. Here’s the situation…my kid is turning 18 in a couple of weeks. He’s a decent kid and his friends are decent…that is, great at school & activities and well-liked…but also not the kind of kid who’s 100% dependable 100% of the time (I have an older kid who is 100% dependable so I"m familiar with both types of kids).
My son has a friend who is his age (and friends with all of his friends) but at the age of 17, he’s working a full-time, professional job and living in his own apartment with a 20-year-old co-worker. So…word has been getting around that this friend is having a party for my son at his apartment…I didn’t even know this was happening until a parent contacted me to ask about details. There would be no parent supervision (this kid is 100% on his own) and I’m just not sure what steps to take on this. Do I say “no you can’t do this.”…well, that’s a toughie…what would be the reason? (the 18-year-old part of it is confusing me a bit too). I have other solutions but none of them are clear to me…and I’m hoping that someone out there knows what to do.
that’s a tough one. When my son turned 18, he wanted to have a party, so we let him have about 20 kids over, in our house, and me and DH were there the whole time. Not in the room there, but in the house. His older sister was in the room. I was nervous about it but at least it was in our house. I would be nervous if my son (who is like yours – not 100% dependable all the time) was at party with no adults, but on the other hand, he’s going to college soon (I assume) and will be on his own. Is it drinking you’re worried about or drugs? I’m sure this isn’t his first exposure to either
Be honest and arm him with some tactic. Tell him you heard about this party since some other parents called asking for more details. Can he share more details with you in case you get more calls? If alcohol is a possibility tell him while that is a problem with minors present that if he should decide to drink at all, please plan to stay the night or call for a ride home - for himself as well as others.
A long, emotional discussion will follow, keep your cool and keep repeating how much you love him and are unable to go against your instincts to protect him. Provide an alternative also, like at your home.
Where I live, suspensions have been given, entire athletic seasons cancelled and athletic admissions rescinded affecting innocent (non-using) kids who were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
The fact that you know what the right decision is but are agonizing over it indicates you are the exact best type of parent, IMHO. Good luck!
As mentioned above stress the no drinking/driving . Let him know he can call you anytime for a ride no questions asked. Fact is college is soon and he could be at friends house any weekend. Sit down talk about your concerns and let him know that if any parent asks you will tell them you having nothing to do with the party.
Seems like a great opportunity to revisit the whole drinking, driving and being a responsible adult discussion.
Be the kind, trust-building person because next time he won’t tell you about the party. He will go anyway, probably.
This is a great opportunity to build trust.
Recognize that he's an adult (how frustrating would it be to have that ignored?)
Ask him to sit with you for 15 minutes (we set the timer so that kids know it's not an endless discussion)
Go over adult ground rules, like the things mentioned above about drinking. I would also add the discussion about safe sex (cond oms) and the possibility of other drugs present, that alcohol lowers inhibitions and that this is one way that heroin is creeping into the middle class (I have a niece who fell victim this way).
Reassure him that you trust him and that no matter what happens, he can call you and you will pick him up, wherever and whenever.
Expect to hear "dad, dad, but dad, I know dad" but he will be glad that you care enough to tell him these things.
Is he going to be 18 on the day of the party? Sigh. He is an adult and is responsible for his own actions. I would have a heart to heart talk about all possible “what can go wrong” scenario. It is a typical one. A bunch of young adults gets together in a small apartment… Booze flows… Air fills with funny smelling smoke… It gets loud. The neighbors, disturbed by the noise so loud the dishes are falling off the shelves, call the police. The rest is what abasket and others outlined in their posts.
My older daughter went to a post-play cast party in May of her senior year in high school. She was 18, as were some of the other attendees. Many weren’t. The party was hosted by parents of a cast member; dad is a physician, mom is a nurse. Sounds fine, right? Well, the parents decided it was okay for their oldest son, a drama club alum, to procure alcohol for the party attendees. In the wee hours, a guest’s parent, concerned because her son wasn’t home, called the sheriff’s department, which went to the party site and busted several of the guests, including my daughter, for underage drinking. It’s very unawesome to worry whether your child will be allowed to walk at graduation and go on to college, and it’s very unawesome to sit in a courtroom with your child.
Turning 18 is great! Remind him that turning 18 also makes him more legally responsible for any issues that occur to anyone at the party. Don’t need to threaten him, just say along with the freedom you may get at 18 there is also new responsibility - which under the law you can be accountable for.
When my son was 18, he seemed to be influenced by our pointing out that along with the privileges of adulthood, there came a lot of liabilities. We said, “Anything that happens now is 100% on you. We can’t help you, and you’ll face adult penalties for any broken laws. Your 17yo buddies will get off with a warning, but you won’t.”
We stressed that we weren’t telling him what to do, but were giving him information.
He thought about some of his 17yo buddies, and decided to opt out of at least one party plan (that we know of) when he concluded that it was a recipe for disaster.
Research facts in your state and give him the list.
Underage drinking charges: costs for going to court. Classes he would need to take etc. In Pa. kids can lose their license even if they are no where near a car. And now you forever have to explain on job applications or insurance why you lost your license.
I would tell other parents you are not giving the party and have no control over what goes on there.
Furnishing laws and charges and penalties for whoever buys the alcohol
Arm him with facts. Let him know other parents have called you and are concerned.
Alcohol drinking at parties will come up often even when he is in college. Educate him. Tell him he will be responsible for paying all court costs etc if ever charged.
Oh and as a parent I would make sure I had umbrella insurance in case my kid ever gets blamed for someone elses drunken accident/death. It happens.
I’ve mentioned this before but have your kids watch “Don’t Talk to the Cops” on youtube. Lectures by a law school professor and a police officer. Good info for everybody no matter how old.
It really does highlight how easy it is to get in trouble even though you may be innocent.
As for not wanting a party “under a watchful eye” --I didn’t say you had to helicopter over a party. But at your home you have control over who shows up. And you are entitled to sing Happy Birthday!
Ack. Getting busted for underage drinking and/or drugs would be painful. What @BunsenBurner said.
Our oldest got caught with a fake ID at college, and her license was suspended. She was afraid to tell us, so didn’t, and the window closed on being able to get a lawyer and avoiding the suspension.
In the meantime, youngest, on her permit, hit the gas too hard and drove the car into the garage. The insurance company dropped us. We had just enough time before the oldest’s suspension was official & on record to shop around for new auto insurance. The agent told us she will stuck with that on her record for 5-6 years.
As you know, these “little” infractions can turn into big, expensive headaches.
@rosered55 “In the wee hours, a guest’s parent, concerned because her son wasn’t home, called the sheriff’s department, which went to the party site and busted several of the guests, including my daughter, for underage drinking.” Were the hosts charged with providing alcohol to minors?
@rosered55 Why would that parent have called the sheriff? Did they call their son and the hosts of the party and not get a reply? That seems very extreme to me to call the sheriff.
I think that the son wasn’t responding to his phone. Yes, the fact that the kids were busted for that reason was also frustrating. (I think that the son ended up being one of the people charged with underage drinking.)