<p>Rencently heard that DS’s ex late last year would now invite him to a concert (he did not go because he did not have time) and then to a quick breakfast (he did go with her.) This happened after they had mutually agreed to separate not long ago, mostly due to different expectations.</p>
<p>Granted, their “relationship” was short (but the development was quite fast) about 1.5 months only.</p>
<p>It was funny that DS’s other friend (maybe a female friend) found the need to inform him that the girl had started to date another person on campus. In the dorm where they live, it is hard to keep any secret from anybody. Anybody seems to know who dates whom very quickly.</p>
<p>Do you think the girl’s intention is to turn this relationship into “just a friend” relationship?</p>
<p>In my generation, it seems it is not easy to transform a bf/gf relationship into a friendship one. It seems this is not the case for the new generation. I heard of another case that a girl invited several of her exes to go to a party with her as “just friends”, while her BF was not available for a party. (Wonder whether her currently active BF knew about this though.)</p>
<p>I think you’re way, way too involved in this non-relationship. </p>
<p>Seriously, you’ve been posting about this for over double the time that the non-relationship lasted. This is your child’s issue, not yours. Please, please move on. </p>
<p>My daughter is still very close friends with the guy she dated sophomore year of high school until sophomore year of college, and the guy she dated sophomore year of college through the end of grad school. When she comes home to visit she will have a meal or a drink with HS ex, and she still talks frequently with the later ex (a great guy, but his grad program and her new job made being together pretty much impossible).</p>
<p>During her junior year of college, college love’s family wanted a puppy. HS love’s family dog had just had an “oops” litter, so current boyfriend adopted former boyfriend’s puppy. </p>
<p>A bit odd, but it works for her and the exes.</p>
<p>Now that he does not feel hurt by this any more by now, I actually do not care much about this at all. So let’s take him out of the equation since he is not my concern any more.</p>
<p>I am just somewhat surprised that the new generation seems to be much more open about keeping exes as friends, and I am genuinely curious why the attitude toward this in general has been changed so quickly within one generation, maybe for good. It appears the kind of transition of relationship (from one relationship to another kind of relationship) is not difficult for them at all.</p>
<p>romani, please do not call it as non-relationship. It was every bit like a relationship back then (otherwise it would not bother him and her so much back then.) However, it is not appropriate to elaborate it here and it is better to just leave it like that.</p>
<p>If you think this parent is over-involved, I am just “all ears” for whatever he is willing to share with me. I personally know some parents who will actually go much further by introducing (at least try to do so) potential SO for their offspring, let alone some would even “arrange” the marriage for him/her. In my work life of almost 30 years, three of my coworkers (who are one generation younger than me) actually accepted their parents’ marriage arrangement willingly (I believe all of them have still survived their marriages.) I am pretty sure I personally will never go “that far”.</p>
<p>I think it easier for this current generation of college students to move from GF/BF relationships into just “friends” because frankly sex does not hold the weight it used to. Because it is seemingly more casual, the ability to transform those relationships is not as rigid. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>In a church, it is often preached that a “sister” and a “brother” ( not actually siblings, it is just how some church members call each other in this way) should be either an intimate couple or purely “sister and brother” who would have “friend” relationship, and never something in-between. Wonder how many churches still preach this.</p>
<p>DS’s close friend who is very religious would crash in his room whenever his GF (for at least 2.5 years) visits him. I heard they have met each other’s parents and will likely be married in less than a year. Is this kind of couple an exception rather than a rule today?</p>
I can only speak for myself and those I associate myself with, we don’t just casually hook up or look for relationships to “pass the time”. If we get into a relationship with someone, it’s because we see a person who we can see ourselves with and worth our time. If we get in a relationship, we build a friendship and a relationship with them. We stay friends because…well…we are. Additionally, we pick our friends wisely. This cuts down on the fools that one encounters on a daily basis. </p>
<p>Personally, in my longest relationship of four years, he was my best friend when we were together and he is my best friend to this day. I’m not going to shut someone out of my life just because we broke up. If I do shut an ex out, it’s because of a reason unrelated to ending of our relationship.</p>
<p>Food for thought, “just friends” may be considered looser than before. People may say “We’re just friends” to signify there’s no bad blood between the two of them. They may still chat if they’re in the same area or they may not hang out, but there wouldn’t be a problem if one needed to talk to the other.</p>
<p>
What kind of couple? A couple that sleeps in separate rooms?</p>
<p>EDIT: Oh, I see your edit. Hmm…are they exception? No, I think they just value relationships differently. </p>
This may be an area where the new generation do better than my generation did. Hmmm…maybe this is why DS’s ex does not shut him out of her life after their breakup. Actually, I think DS’s previous ex (back in HS years) still has contact with him. At one time, 4 years after their breakup, even her father gave him a ride home when they happened to meet each other. Her father must think DS had treated his D well 4 years ago otherwise he would not do him such a favor. DS even commented that her father seems to treat him “better” (more friendly) when he was no longer her BF. It may be also because both of them were young adults by then so he treated them in a more adult-to-adult way. They are no longer high school kids and they have earned her father’s trust since.</p>
<p>I’ve never had a relationship that was so short, but I would guess after so little time it is not that difficult to go back to being friends. It doesn’t seem to me like it would be, but if the other younger girls here contradict me I would have to yield to their experience. It just doesn’t seem like you’d be that close yet for it to even be so different from being friends in the first place. </p>
<p>I only have the one ex, I broke up with him after 4 years. It was very heartbreaking for both of us at the time, neither one of us wanted the split but we both knew we weren’t right for eachother anymore. We said we would stay friends at the time, and we are still facebook friends and might have a “hi how are you how’s the family” type chat once or twice a year, but I don’t want to be any closer than that-- I don’t even have his posts show in my news feed and we don’t comment on each others stuff. I would never hang out with him again. I like a healthy distance to be there, but it is nice to “know” that we are on “good” terms even if it amounts to nothing because we don’t talk… it allows for some closure that there is no angst between us. Incidentally, he is engaged to be married a month after I am to the girl that was his best friend while we were together. I’m very happy for both of us that we ended up where we were supposed to be and there are no hard feelings, I think everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to. I just couldn’t stand the kind of casual relationship I have with my good friends now, after 4 years… there is too much history, and I don’t think it would be appropriate. We’ve both moved on and those lines need to not be blurred. </p>
<p>But that was 4 years. Not 1.5 months. When I was in college, over the course of the first 1.5 months of my relationship, I think I only even saw him a handful of times! A six week relationship hardly even counts as a relationship, have you even really gotten to know each other in that amount of time? I don’t think so. </p>
<p>For what it’s worth: My son has an impressive collection of ex-girlfriends – eight, at least, and maybe more depending on how you define “girlfriend” – stretching back to middle school. There is only one with whom he did not remain close friends for a long period of time after the romantic relationship ended (and she happened to text him while he was having dinner with me a few months ago), and only two (counting that one) with whom he does not have regular contact, at least through Facebook. He spends significant time with two of the last three exes, one of whom he probably sees more often than his current official girlfriend, since the ex works a few blocks from his grad school and the girlfriend is in graduate school in a different city.</p>
<p>My wife and I have always been amused by this; nothing in our personal experience corresponds to it. It makes me feel good about him, I guess. It shows that even though he may not be the world’s greatest boyfriend (the most common pattern is that the girlfriends, not he, call it quits), he is not hurting anyone too deeply or burning any bridges. I had no idea it might be an actual trend; I don’t see that happening with the other young people I know.</p>
<p>I think the couple that does not share a bedroom together until marriage are the exception today, but despite the secular world view that this is not necessary, the religious world view maintains that there is a purpose for this. This couple is embracing that view and will bring it into their marriage.
In my day, it was hard to maintain a friendship with someone one has been emotionally involved with, probably because the break up was painful and also perhaps the two people felt that hanging on to a friendship made it harder to move on. Staying friends requires an emotional healing and detachment that is hard to do, but it is possible. Sometimes distance is necessary to heal though, and being friends isn’t helpful.
What confuses me about trends today is the “friends with benefits” status. It’s not to me to judge, but it also seems like a set up for someone being hurt. Trends may change, but human nature and emotions are pretty much the same.
Maybe the difference now is that with less restrictions, people now have more choices to do what they may have done anyway if it had been acceptable. Some people can have casual relationships and some can’t. Some will thrive and some will have broken hearts, but they have choices. While the religious couple may have made an exceptional choice, it can still remain as such.</p>
<p>When I was in college my parents knew who I was dating and that’s it. When we broke up they didn’t ask why and I didn’t talk about it to them. Did I remain friends with them? yes sort of at the time… However I can’t imagine my college son telling me as much detail as your son has told you. I admit my 12 year old recently told me that a girl sits with him on the bus home from school but all that “hey mom guess what!” talk ended somewhere in high school. Mostly because if he told me about something I probably would think about it … I have to believe your son has no idea that you are thinking so much about what he tells you. I think if he did he might change how much he says…</p>
<p>“Do you think the girl’s intention is to turn this relationship into “just a friend” relationship?”</p>
<p>I’d stop thinking about this girl and what may or may not happen. Who knows maybe they will end up back together
or not… </p>
<p>JHS, DS is just the opposite of your S. He had relatively few and started dating relatively late - not started until late in his high school senior year (it ended in a turkey drop way.) He unfortunately did not have any date (not only no GF, but also no date at all) in all 4 years in college mostly by his own choice (He now regrets that decision.) I suspect his ex would likely be surprised at how “inexperienced” he was with this kind of stuff when they were together.</p>
<p>Likely because of this almost total lack of his actions on this front, we were somewhat over excited as parents when we finally heard of something. (Many CC parents here thought we were over-invested in this inappropriately.) Even though it was a failed attempt, we are glad he at least has given it a try. (BTW, that ex likely has more exes than your S even though she is younger. DS appears to be her number 6 in that year alone! Her “speed” of acquiring one after another is amazing. Must be very attractive or something (very feminine) – but we do not know. DS naturally does not want us to know about her as he kind of knew that relationship was in trouble by the time we heard of it, even though usually he lets us know almost all of his friends.) </p>
<p>It does seem more normal in this generation to have exes transition to friendly relationships, that being said, I have one kid who remained friends with many exes. She was friendly in HS with all her exes, a couple are in the group of HS friends she still does things with now & again. She dated one of those guys all through HS and they broke up, took a break for space for a few months and are now actually friends. DD has been on all day and overnight events with the group including new GF/BFs. It’s fine.</p>