uc application, prompt 1

Applying to College
1

<p>Hello, I was wondering if anyone could read my essay for the first prompt for UC schools.
I’m open to criticism. I love criticism, constructive criticism at least.</p>

<p>Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>I am a part of a larger entity unable to explore my vast surroundings. Narbonne High School as a whole consists of various small learning communities. I am sheltered inside of one of those small communities, the Math and Science Magnet. </p>

<p>Throughout high school, I have taken more rigorous, challenging curriculum with honors and AP classes, and I believe I am held to a higher standard than non-Magnet students by my teachers, peers, and most importantly: myself.</p>

<p>Being in Magnet has consumed my childhood and young adulthood. For the majority of my life, it’s all I’ve known. I’ve been in the Magnet community since first grade; it has been a familiar environment, but also a cramped one. </p>

<p>I have known the majority of my classmates since elementary school; and my high school teachers have taught me for two consecutive years, one for three years. </p>

<p>As a result of being in Magnet, like a chicken in an egg, I am separated from the larger population of my school, physically and mentally.</p>

<p>The egg has prevented me from coming out of my shell and interacting with others. The egg is a form of segregation. </p>

<p>I am a chicken, trapped inside an egg, yearning to hatch and be released from its shell to explore and thrive.</p>

<p>As a sheltered chicken that has been cut off from the greater Narbonne Community, it is pertinent for me to communicate and connect with the world on a grander, global scale.</p>

<p>I will pursue my dreams to further my studies and earn my global citizenship by venturing outside of my nest and integrating myself into society by mingling with other from different nests and participating in study abroad programs.</p>

<p>I dream of traveling the world and becoming a linguist to break language barriers and extend myself out of the familiar shell I dwell in.</p>

<p>I aspire to be a researcher, psychiatrist, and gynecologist to dissipate the shell I’ve been trapped in for the totality of my life and break my cycle of familiarity.</p>

2

<p>I skimmed it and here’s what jumped out:</p>

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<p>Isn’t this already evident by your GPA/transcript? Probably unnecessary.</p>

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<p>Poor word choice. My first reaction was that you think you’re superior to your classmates. Maybe a better substitution (though still not perfect) is figuratively/literally?</p>

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<p>You sound bitter about your experience in a magnet. Be more optimistic.</p>

<p>…as I read more and more you’re starting to sound like a ■■■■■

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3

<p>"…it is pertinent for me to come out an communicate with the world…"</p>

<p>Poor word choice. I do not think you want to use Pertinent here. Try something like, “imperative” , “necessary” , or “important”. Although fancy vocab can help where applicable, it is more than fine to use “layman” speak where it fits. I try to think of essays more mechanically, and it seems to work out fine. </p>

<p>I also call into question the egg metaphor. While a chicken is in an egg, it is growing, maturing, developing and ultimately flourishing. It is not necessarily “trapped” in the egg, or “segregated” from the outside world. It just needed time to develop, thats all. In your case, the Magnet aspect seemed to be a deliberate withhold from the rest of your public school, from what I gather. Therefore it was not necessary for your own maturation/development, rather something that followed you throughout your HS career and kept you from maturing/developing (on a broader level). Maybe think of a different metaphor. But then again, that is a major overhaul.</p>

4

<p>Thank you very much for your insight. I appreciate it.</p>

5

<p>Thank you. This is very helpful.</p>