uc application, prompt 1

College Essays
1

<p>Hello, I was wondering if anyone would be open to critiquing my essay. I’m open to all suggestions.</p>

<p>Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>I am a part of a larger entity unable to explore my vast surroundings. Narbonne High School as a whole consists of various small learning communities. I am sheltered inside of one of those small communities, the Math and Science Magnet. </p>

<p>Throughout high school, I have taken more rigorous, challenging curriculum with honors and AP classes, and I believe I am held to a higher standard than non-Magnet students by my teachers, peers, and most importantly: myself.</p>

<p>Being in Magnet has consumed my childhood and young adulthood. For the majority of my life, it’s all I’ve known. I’ve been in the Magnet community since first grade; it has been a familiar environment, but also a cramped one. </p>

<p>I have known the majority of my classmates since elementary school; and my high school teachers have taught me for two consecutive years, one for three years. </p>

<p>As a result of being in Magnet, like a chicken in an egg, I am separated from the larger population of my school, physically and mentally.</p>

<p>The egg has prevented me from coming out of my shell and interacting with others. The egg is a form of segregation. </p>

<p>I am a chicken, trapped inside an egg, yearning to hatch and be released from its shell to explore and thrive.</p>

<p>As a sheltered chicken that has been cut off from the greater Narbonne Community, it is pertinent for me to communicate and connect with the world on a grander, global scale.</p>

<p>I will pursue my dreams to further my studies and earn my global citizenship by venturing outside of my nest and integrating myself into society by mingling with other from different nests and participating in study abroad programs.</p>

<p>I dream of traveling the world and becoming a linguist to break language barriers and extend myself out of the familiar shell I dwell in.</p>

<p>I aspire to be a researcher, psychiatrist, and gynecologist to dissipate the shell I’ve been trapped in for the totality of my life and break my cycle of familiarity.</p>

2

<p>You write well, but the essay doesn’t flow. I think you of over did the chicken/shell metaphor.</p>

3

<p>I think you should use more specific examples. Don’t be too broad.</p>