I posted this essay in my other thread but no one was answering and I desperately need feedback so I’m making another thread! Somebody help me… Input?
One day, I rode to school with my friends mom, a professional businesswoman. We talked about the future and the current political situation. She was so impressed with my insight and intellect that she later on told my parents that she couldnt believe she was talking to a 17-year-old.
My dad always said that, as long as you keep updated with the news, you can have an intelligent conversation with anybody, which served most true. I started watching the news religiously. My AP History teacher enlightened me through PBS Documentaries and History Channel Specials. This encouraged me to become better informed with politics and the world situations. I often stayed after class to ask him questions or have friendly debates. During this years election time, I wanted to form my own educated opinion on the candidates; I read articles, listened to political radio stations, watched political television talk shows, and even wrote letters to newspaper editors. Even though I couldnt vote, I had my own informal voting drive by encouraging everybody to vote and informing them of the issues.
But my curiosity is far from being quenched, I am eagerly awaiting college where I can have more discussions with distinguished professors and learn new things from a diverse student body.
<p>I like this!. I think you have some might have a misplaced comma or two. Might want to actually quote your dad instead. Best of luck!</p>
<p>oops …sorry for the typo ! “I think you might have a misplaced comma or two,” is what I intended to say!</p>
<p>awakeneddream,</p>
<p>Just a few suggestions…</p>
<p>I would take out the entire first paragraph.</p>
<p>In the second paragraph I would take out “which served most true” and have your new sentence be “I took his advice and started watching the news religiously.” Instead of “My AP English teacher enlightened” say “My AP English teacher encouraged me to watch PBS documentaries and History Channel specials. This enabled me…” I would take out “time” after “During this year’s election,” and take out the semi colon after candidates and start a new sentence instead.</p>
<p>In the last paragraph, I think you should take out the “but” and say “My thirst for knowledge” is far from being quenched and I am eagerly awaiting college where I can have more discussions with a diverse student body and distinguished professors."</p>
<p>Otherwise, I think it’s a great essay…good luck!</p>
<p>Concur with momofonly, first p got to go. Can you add any other anecdotes, or tie it into a history/poli sci club project that you sponsored led?</p>
<p>thank you for the input everybody, i really appreciate it.</p>
<p>momofonly and bluebayou: i will definitely take your advice to heart.</p>
<p>i kind of liked the 1st par, i don’t know if there’s a way i can make the situation more vivid or something. i kind of wanted some short anecdote describing how my being updated about the world and politics gave me an advantage in having an intellectual conversation with somebody…</p>
<p>OH i planned a election video in my school’s media productions class and showed it to the school, i can talk about that!</p>
<p>can anybody take a look at a revised version?</p>
<p>My dad always said that, as long as you keep updated with the news, you can have an intelligent conversation with anybody. I took his advice and started watching the news religiously. My AP History teacher encouraged me to watch PBS Documentaries and the History Channel. This enabled me to become better informed with politics and world situations. I often stayed after class to ask him questions or have friendly debates. During this years election, I wanted to form my own educated opinion on the candidates. I read articles, listened to political radio stations, watched political television talk shows, and even wrote letters to newspaper editors. Even though I couldnt vote, I had my own informal voting drive by encouraging everybody to vote through casual conversations, and by spearheading an informative election video to be aired at school. My social awareness enabled me to professionally interview teachers and citizens for the video. I also took notes during the debates and news spots to accurately portray the candidates to the students.</p>
<p>However, my thirst for knowledge is far from being quenched. I am eagerly awaiting college where I can have more discussions with a diverse student body and distinguished professors.</p>
<p>awakeneddream,</p>
<p>Much better!! I just thought of another couple of things. Instead of “anybody” in the first sentence, maybe try “anyone.” I think documentaries should be lowercase unless it’s part of the actual name. After casual conversations I don’t think that there should be a comma (based on the “old” rules…although I’m not sure what my D would say because she tells me there are different grammatical rules that apply today…use your own judgement, I guess 
) After news spots, you could add “in order” to…</p>
<p>In the last paragraph, instead of “However” you could say something about even though you have done (everything mentioned above), your thirst for knowledge is far from being quenched. </p>
<p>That’s it for my suggestions…post it again if you want and I’d be glad to take another look at it!</p>
<p>momofonly: thank you so much, you are a godsend… here i made some those super SLIGHT changes:</p>
<p>My dad always said that, as long as you keep updated with the news, you can have an intelligent conversation with anyone. I took his advice and started watching the news religiously. My AP History teacher encouraged me to watch PBS documentaries and the History Channel. This enabled me to become better informed with politics and world situations. I often stayed after class to ask him questions or have friendly debates. During this years election, I wanted to form my own educated opinion on the candidates. I read articles, listened to political radio stations, watched political television talk shows, and even wrote letters to newspaper editors. Even though I couldnt vote, I had my own informal voting drive by encouraging everybody to vote through casual conversations and by spearheading an informative election video to be aired at school. My social awareness enabled me to professionally interview teachers and citizens for the video. I also took notes during the debates and news spots in order to accurately portray the candidates to the students.</p>
<h2>However, my thirst for knowledge is still far from being quenched. I am eagerly awaiting college where I can have more discussions with a diverse student body and distinguished professors.</h2>
<p>for that line, “However, my thirst for knowledge is still far from being quenched.” i just added ‘still’ to imply what u said about even after all this stuff i did, i’m still curious. do you think that’s sufficient because i’m not sure how to phrase a good-sounding sentence about what u said (“you could say something about even though you have done (everything mentioned above),”</p>
<p>awakenedream…I just realized I was spelling your “name” wrong </p>
<p>I know what you mean…I think I’m getting stuck here, too! But what I was thinking was something like this…</p>
<p>By keeping myself informed during the presidential election, I was able to intelligently contribute to discussions with teachers, citizens and newspaper editors and, perhaps more importantly, I became genuinely interested in the opinion of others. I am eagerly awaiting college where I can debate with a diverse student body and distinguished professors. </p>
<p>awakenedream…you could stop the sentence after newspaper editors if you want. I think I’m having writer’s block, too!</p>
<p>Let me know what you think!</p>
<p>i understand what you’re trying to say but it would make my essay too long! (the essay is supposed to be 200 words and it’s already 202, i already went over the limit for my long essay which is supposed to be 600 and i did 622 i think). anyways, do you or anybody else think, “However, my thirst for knowledge is still far from being quenched. I am eagerly awaiting college where I can have more discussions with a diverse student body and distinguished professors.” is inadequate or is it fine?</p>
<p>i really appreciate all your help momofonly, you really saved me during these crunch hours, :)</p>
<p>awakenedream,</p>
<p>I think that ending might be a little cliche. Also, I don’t really think you can start the paragraph with “however” without having something preceding it. </p>
<p>What about this:</p>
<p>I took out the sentence “I often stayed after class to ask him questions or have friendly debates.” I also took out “to the students” and revised the last paragraph. I checked it in Word and the word count is now 201. Here it is:</p>
<p>My dad always said that, as long as you keep updated with the news, you can have an intelligent conversation with anyone. I took his advice and started watching the news religiously. My AP History teacher encouraged me to watch PBS documentaries and the History Channel. This enabled me to become better informed with politics and world situations. During this years election, I wanted to form my own educated opinion on the candidates. I read articles, listened to political radio stations, watched political television talk shows, and even wrote letters to newspaper editors. Even though I couldnt vote, I had my own informal voting drive by encouraging everybody to vote through casual conversations and by spearheading an informative election video to be aired at school. My social awareness enabled me to professionally interview teachers and citizens for the video. I also took notes during the debates and news spots in order to accurately portray the candidates.</p>
<p>By keeping myself informed during the presidential election, I was able to intelligently contribute to discussions with teachers, citizens and newspaper editors. I am eagerly awaiting college where I can debate with a diverse student body and distinguished professors in my continued quest for knowledge.</p>
<p>i wanted to keep that sentence about staying after class. what about this, it’s 210 but that’s fine (not a word more)</p>
<p>My dad always said that, as long as you keep updated with the news, you can have an intelligent conversation with anyone. I took his advice and started watching the news religiously. My AP History teacher encouraged me to watch PBS documentaries and the History Channel. This enabled me to become better informed with politics and world situations. I often stayed after class to ask him questions or have friendly debates. During this years election, I wanted to form my own educated opinion on the candidates. I read articles, listened to political radio stations, watched political television talk shows, and even wrote letters to newspaper editors. Even though I couldnt vote, I had my own informal voting drive by encouraging everybody to vote through casual conversations and by spearheading an informative election video to be aired at school. My social awareness enabled me to professionally interview teachers and citizens for the video. I also took notes during the debates and news spots in order to accurately portray the candidates.</p>
<p>By keeping myself informed, I was able to intelligently engage in discussions with teachers and citizens. I am eagerly awaiting college where I can converse with a diverse student body and distinguished professors in my continued quest for knowledge.</p>
<p>I think it’s a much stronger essay now. By the way, you write really well. Just one more tiny suggestion before I go for today…I would just change either converse or diverse, doesn’t matter which one, because they’re so close together in the sentence.</p>
<p>Good luck and have a good Thanksgiving!</p>
<p>thank you momofonly! again, your help is IMMENSELY APPRECIATED. i am not too stressed out now. happy thanksgiving to you too and to everybody else :)</p>
<p>your essay it is like a very very good you know good like very nice ya.</p>