UC Essay Prompt 2 (feedback please!!!)

College Essays
1

<p>Personal Quality: Multiple Perspectives</p>

<p>Life is like a river, filled with both calm moments to cherish as well as rumbling, rocky waterfalls that suddenly appear with no warning. Listening to the world’s melody through chirping birds, roaring waterfalls, whistling winds, and howling trees has allowed me to appreciate life’s ebb and flow and be thankful for the things I have.</p>

<p>Living life like I have has given me an opportunity to look at life in multiple perspectives. Since my parent’s tragic divorce, I was given the huge responsibility of trying to live two lives—taking care of my little sister and mother on one hand and then allowing myself to be taken care of by another family with older stepsiblings, a stepmother, and my father, which was a hard transformation for me. I would ensure my sister to stay motivated through her studies and assist my mom with any task she was not able to perform due to her arthritis, while making sure that I also found time to succeed in my academic studies and community efforts. For years, I always wondered why all my friends’ parents were divorced and never thought of the possibility that the same could happen to mine. It struck me one day that no family is perfect, and everyone has a struggle to go through in some stage of their life, or this world would not be complete. </p>

<p>Sometimes, even to this day, I feel overwhelmed in my current living situation, but then I remind myself that there are others who have even more difficult obstacles they have to face each day. I remember that at least my family cares for me and that we all love each other unconditionally. I remember that if this was not my situation, I would not be the person who I am today—a serious, caring, selfless human being who is always trying to find a way to help others. </p>

<p>Since I have grown up with two different types of lifestyles, I have the ability to see life through multiple perspectives. Whenever I am faced with obstacles in my meandering river-like path in life, I consider many options before choosing the wisest decision to make in that case. My personal quality has made me a stronger person by allowing me to become open-minded, which I have discovered is a necessity to the growth of a human being. This decision-making strategy has been imbedded into my approach on life, so that I will always be considering the different viewpoints even if I am not consciously aware of it.</p>

<p>I now believe that I can use my skill to give back to the four year university I will be attending. Using my newfound strength within me, I will help society improve whether by considering the numerous perspectives, giving beneficial advice, or trying to save the life of a human being. This unique quality will assist me through my academic struggles and will permit me to be successful in future university years.</p>

2

<p>“Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.”</p>

<p>Here are my thoughts:</p>

<p>Paragraph 1 - remove, it doesn’t add to the essay or who you are.
Paragraph 2 - shorten the paragraph. State your thoughts with less words.</p>

<p>The remaining body of the essay - Provide proof that you have developed “multiple perspectives”. Simply stating the traits/lesson isn’t sufficient; they must be proven.

  • Suggestion: Write one paragraph providing a specific example/incident showing one perspective as the “caregiver” and then a second paragraph providing a specific example/incident showing another perspective as the “recipient” and the lessons learned from each of these roles. Or you can write one detailed incident showing your performing both roles and the lessons learned.</p>

<p>Paragraph 4 - too vague/general</p>

<p>Conclusion - too vague. Be specific. Dig deep - be insightful. Think about: Why are you proud of these qualities? What kind of person you are now? How does this quality connects with the future/goals you want?</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck! : )</p>

3

<p>I edited some parts of my essay (mainly the intro and middle paragraphs). I would appreciate it if you could look at it and see if my essay has improved with your feedback. thanks! </p>

<p>Living life like I have has given me an opportunity to look at life in multiple perspectives. Since my parent’s tragic divorce, I was given the huge responsibility of trying to live two lives—taking care of my little sister and mother on one hand and then allowing myself to be taken care of by another family with older stepsiblings, a stepmother, and my father.
Although this lifestyle was a hard transformation for me, I learned how to balance my schedule. For my first life situation, I would ensure my sister to stay motivated through her studies and assist my mom with any task she was not able to perform due to her arthritis while making sure to put aside some time to succeed in my academic studies and community efforts. At my father’s house, I did not even have to consider helping anyone, since I was the one benefiting from all the advice and assistance I was receiving from my elders. I would go through the routine of waking up, completing homework assignments, being fed, and then going to bed again. I had one life where everything was frantic and in need for more time, and one life where relaxation surrounded me. Overtime, I realized that no family is perfect, and everyone has a struggle to go through at some stage of their life. Life has its ebb and flows that humans have to consider.<br>
Despite my second life full of leisure, the act of helping others with their struggles always made me feel more content. Even though at times I feel overwhelmed with my current living situation, I remind myself that there are others who have even more difficult obstacles they have to face each day. I remember that at least my family cares for me and that we all love each other unconditionally. I reminisce that if this was not my situation, I would not be the person who I am today—a serious, caring, selfless human being who is always trying to find a way to help others.
Since I have grown up with two different types of lifestyles, I have the ability to see life through multiple perspectives. Through my life experience, I have learned to cherish individuality and the power of self-motivation. My personal quality has made me a stronger person in allowing me to become open-minded, which I have discovered is a necessity for the growth of a human being. Whenever I am faced with obstacles in my meandering river-like path in life, I consider many options before choosing the wisest decision to make in that case. This decision-making strategy has been embedded into my approach on life, so that I will always be considering the different viewpoints even if I am not consciously aware of it.
I now believe that I can use my skill to give back to the four year university I will be attending. Using my newfound strength within me, I will help society improve whether by considering the numerous perspectives, giving beneficial advice, or trying to save the life of a human being. This unique quality will assist me through my academic struggles and will permit me to be successful in future university years.</p>

4

<p>Your have definitely improved your essay. The first three paragraphs flow better and are clearer. Good job!</p>

<p>Here are my suggestions for the last two paragraphs:</p>

<p>How about beginning the 4th paragraph as indicated below and discard the rest. Underline below means you should fill in an appropriate word(s).</p>

<p>Having the ability to see life through multiple perspectives, I developed _____ decision-making strategies. Whenever I am faced with obstacles in my meandering river-like path in life, I consider many options before choosing the wisest decision. GIVE AN INCIDENT OF THIS, IF POSSIBLE, NOT FAMILY RELATED TO SHOW YOU’VE APPLIED IT TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD.</p>

<p>CONCLUSION – Discard everything. Start anew. I highly recommend rethinking and rewriting to include the following:
How do you intend to use multiple perspectives to contribute on campus? Think deeply Be specific.
How do you intend to use multiple perspectives to contribute to your future career? Think deeply. Be specific.
How do you intend to use multiple perspectives to contribute to society? Think deeply. Be specific.</p>

<p>After you are done with revising the content, then return to your essay for editing. PRINT OUT THE ESSAY. Read each sentence out loud and edit. You can hear grammar/structure errors better. Do not waste your time to edit until you get the quality content (the meat of your essay) all completed.</p>

<p>Good luck!! : )</p>

5

<p>Typos: my parent’s tragic divorce should read “parents’ …divorce”. They both divorced, not one. </p>

<p>I agree with the previous poster and would significantly simplify your multitude of complex sentences. Your first sentence: Living life like I have has given me an opportunity to look at life in multiple perspectives.</p>

<p>Could read more like: Life is complex; I play different parts in my two families. Or something like that. I think you go on and on in your essay without really cutting quickly to the point (a problem many have - I used to call it the “blah blah” when I was helping my kids’ edit papers. My kids were amazingly gifted in “blah blah”. ). It fills a quota for number of words, but has no power. </p>

<p>Look at this sentence: For my first life situation, I would ensure my sister to stay motivated through her studies and assist my mom with any task she was not able to perform due to her arthritis while making sure to put aside some time to succeed in my academic studies and community efforts.</p>

<p>Could be: I consider it a privilege to motivate my sister to stay on track academically, as well as help my fragile mother with tasks that are difficult for her, while retaining my own academic motivation and drive to succeed. (just an example). And then describe how you have done so, specifically.</p>

<p>I agree that when you finish you should read the essay OUT LOUD - including punctuation. You catch errors that way you would not catch otherwise. </p>