UC Essay

socalnick · October 14, 2004, 10:20pm

can you please critique my essay. Im not shure if i may have gone off the topic which is "How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?", but it could go with the posibility to contribute essay.

<pre><code>Since the first time I set foot on a science camp many years ago, I have always had a passion for science. I was amazed with everything from reacting vinegar with backing soda to launching rockets. The first time I studied science I was fascinated with everything. I went out of my way to learn as much as I could. Also I joined an after school program called FSEA (Future Scientist and Engineers of America). We did what I loved the most about science, design and test different science projects. In middle school and high school I took the most advanced science classes I could. Although often I felt there was a lack of hands on experiments and labs. Unfortunately at the middle school there were no opportunities available for me to pursue my passion to design and test. I hoped that in high school more advanced science courses would bring about more hands on science. Again I was initially disappointed. One day I discovered that the hands on science club I loved was at our high school. I was committed to join and do what I love-- design and test, and because of that passion and commitment, I became president of the club in 11th grade.
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lazieeryceboi · October 15, 2004, 12:26am

Try making it more exciting. It seems like you're just listing stuff. I'd recommend starting off with a specific event(mayb an anecdote), describe that event, then hopefully expand it to incorporate your life-long "passion for science".

sunnydaysee · October 15, 2004, 1:18am

Try reducing the amount of words you use to make a point. For example you could change "Since the first time I set foot on a science camp many years ago, I have always had a passion for science." to [The moment I arrived at science camp I realized my passion for science.] or "In middle school and high school I took the most advanced science classes I could. Although often I felt there was a lack of hands on experiments and labs. Unfortunately at the middle school there were no opportunities available for me to pursue my passion to design and test. I hoped that in high school more advanced science courses would bring about more hands on science. Again I was initially disappointed. One day I discovered that the hands on science club I loved was at our high school. " could be change into something along the lines of [Although I took the most advanced science classes offered at school I was disappointed by the lack of hands on experiments though designing and testing. But luckily I discovered our high schools science club. The club allowed me to remember the excitement I felt back on that first day of science camp.] Well, I think you get the idea. This way you have more room to work in a story. The UCs are pretty picky about word count so hopefully thisll help with your other essays.