UC Personal Statement #1

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1

<p>What do you guys think? </p>

<p>Prompt: describe the world you come from and how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Obesity among my family is prevalent which has, unfortunately, created distances between us. My grandmother lives with diabetes, my aunt has had two gastro-bypasses, and my twelve–year-old sister was recently indentified as obese. I want change. I want to better the lives of people who face the same, restrictive life. I want children to feel alive in their own bodies and be able to fully experience youth without weight holding them back. If I did not live under the same roof as a obese child, witnessed the emotional trauma from bullying, and observed the overall interference obesity places on human wellbeing, I would not feel as strongly about myself persevering a life directly related to improving health.
My sister’s condition has impacted our family dynamic. She is limited in the physical activities my brother, my father, and I love, such as skiing, mountaineering, and rock climbing. Since the outdoors is a major part of our lives, we are forced further divide an already separated family considering my parents are divorced. I feel badly for adding to the disconnection she feels from our family.
My experiences are greatly influencing how I view the world. From the adventuring in the outdoors, to excelling in my studies, and from practicing yoga to expanding my comprehension of wellbeing I am able to find beauty all around me and for that I feel grounded. As I continue to explore myself, I am piecing together the different aspects of my life. I always want to fully experience the world while my sister can only look at it from a distance.
I have not impacted her. Though my encouragement never ceases, my sister is still not responsive leaving me with the feeling that I am failing her. This has resulted in my sister and I growing apart because we cannot understand one another. The source and my biggest regret is my failure to get through to her on so many levels.
Nonetheless, I do not give up hope. I seek the information needed to inspire a life with abundant activity and energy. I want to beneficially impact and even change the courses of people’s lives. I can relate on a personal level to those who endure the hardships obesity plays on their lives, physically, socially, and emotionally. Though I do accept everyone for who they are, I am a strong believer that we must never stop improving ourselves. I know, by expanding my knowledge in wellbeing, I can help others succeed in overcoming many of life’s hardships.</p>

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<p>I want to recommend a couple of things so please consider this advice from a Mom that you don’t have to listen to:
1). Don’t post your essays online for others to semi “copy”. PM people if you want them to read them.
2). I’ve tried to reread this several times so please don’t take this the wrong way but this essay sounds really negative and egocentric.<br>
As the parent of an obese child, this is just harsh. I’ll explain how it come across:</p>

<p>Harshness towards your sister, in an essay for a top university admission, makes you seem very shallow. </p>

<p>Your essay compounds the problem of obesity and does not show how you plan to attempt to help your sister. It does sound like you are also bullying her to the reader, “I am able to find beauty . . . while my sister can only look at it from a distance”. (IOW: the committee member would think, "why would they take the girl to places that little sister knows she can’t physically participate in, with the knowledge that she can only view from a distance. Weight loss has to be intrinsic and has to be little sister’s decision and done in babysteps with continued support and encouragement and LOVE-NO MATTER WHAT)</p>

<p>If I got that feeling, I can only imagine what your sister is feeling, and how the adcoms reading your essay will feel. All committees are built differently and if you have a committee member who is on Weightwatchers and is sensitive, your essay will be on the floor. You need to understand that it is very hard as an adult to lose weight, but for a child, it is 100 times worse. I am really sorry that you feel embarrassed by your sister, but this is not the place to write that essay.
Another way I would write this theme is by shocking your adcom committee with a simple recipe for a salad with chopped foods that your sister enjoys: Roasted chicken, turkey, avocado, ham, strawberries, etc. and demonstrate for them how you hope to lure your sister to start enjoying healthy meals by preparing meals for her: she’s only 12 years old so you could do that. Take her to farmers markets to talk to the farmers and vendors. Buy a cute toy or some fresh honey or vanilla. That’s how I would write an essay about understanding what it’s like to have an obese family member. </p>