UC Personal Statement (Freshman Applicant Prompt)

College Essays
1

<p>HI! :slight_smile: This is my rough draft for my UC personal statement for next year. It would be awesome if people could read it and let me know how it is.
I was brought into this world and blessed with a traditional nuclear family: a mom, a dad, brothers and sisters. When I moved to the small town of Murphys, in California, I was yet again blessed, but this time with another type of family. This type of family is not one related by blood, but one that is related due to the time spent, experiences shared, and obstacles faced together. My non-biological family is my cohesive community: the students I have spent my academic life with and the adults that I have been around for my most of my existence.</p>

<p>The good thing about being human is that you possess the ability to grow from things that knock you down. The world that I come from is a small one; the community that I live in is close-knit and when something negative happens to one person, it affects us all. In my opinion, adversity has shaped us, both my traditional and non-biological family, more than positive experiences. My dad lost his company in 2008, my mom lost a baby in 2011, and my community lost two inspiring students in 2013. My parents’ loss has helped our family become stronger as a whole. We cherish each other now more than ever and the struggles have helped us to become closer. The same thing has happened with my non-biological family. My sophomore year of high school, which was the year of 2013, tragedy struck our small county. In February of that year, two of my fellow peers were murdered by their father. Alex and Macaila, a junior and freshman in high school, respectively, were asleep in their home when their father killed them, their dog, and then proceeded to commit suicide. Although I was not as close with the two as others were, I spent time with Macaila at her house and had known Alex since middle school. The small memories that I have with them will always be big to me, no matter how insignificant they are to others who knew them better than I did. </p>

<p>To some, they are just another story on the news but to my second family, all of the students that I have attended my four years of high school with, they were (and still are) a beloved and cherished part of our lives. The pain and heartbreak that this event left will forever be ingrained in each and every one of our high school experiences. The mark that Alex and Macaila left on us will never be forgotten. These two wonderful teenagers taught the school as a whole to value and appreciate everyone that one encounters. For me, Alex and Macaila’s deaths showed me that I am not alone in any struggle. My world has shaped me as a person. It has, by far, taught me more than any class ever will. Both my community and I have risen from the ashes in the wake of this tragedy. I now realize that I need to pursue my dreams now, before it is too late, cherish those around me as much as possible, and aspire to be the kind and loving people that my friends Alex and Macaila were.</p>

2

<p>When you enter a forum, browse the posts pinned to the top. In this one are warnings and suggestions about posting your essay online. So, don’t post your next one. Solicit readers.</p>

<p>I think you need to keep working on this. I think you can hone it a bit more so we get a sense of you better. I just feel you are telling stories about other people. I understand that all the events mentioned affected you but I don’t really see how you incorporated this into your values and your aspirations, only just a little tiny bit at the very end.</p>

<p>Random comments, take it or leave it: I am a creeped out by you mentioning your mother’s miscarriage. I just don’t see a place for it here and I certainly hope it was not a big milestone in YOUR life. I personally find it quite offputting to say your are blessed with this or that because it is so passive and not insightful, just kind of parroty. I do not think you should give a blow by blow starting with your birth. It is weird for me that you talk about this second family but don’t really illustrate how this group is a second family. You just then mention two unfortunate people who you go on to say you were not all that close to.</p>

<p>But I think most of this can work for you, you just need to sharpen the perspective and realize that the reader wants most to know about you. I think you are implying some things that you think we should know, but you may need to find a way to come out and say–or maybe I am reading between the lines too much and you don’t have that much analysis going on in your head. </p>

3

<p>I think your approach to talking about hardships is a good idea but as-is you are just listening difficulties. Try to dig in deeper and talk about how they affected you and what you did because of them. </p>