UC Prompt 2, help critique please please!

<p>I wrote my personal statement for the second prompt, but I'm not sure if it's good or if I have the right idea of what the admissions officers want. Please read and critique or even edit!</p>

<p>Trick-or-treating is my favorite pastime. It has rewarded me with the sweetest rewards and has even helped me become a more determined and passionate person. That may sound odd; how would trick-or-treating benefit anybody? All it really does is give children cavities. However, it taught me that determination and perseverance will lead to rewards in the end.
During elementary school, I went trick-or-treating with my friends. We embarked on a journey through countless neighborhoods, asking for a trick or treat, and the trip proved treacherous for my friends; they always gave up after only a few neighborhoods and were satisfied with what they got. I, on the other hand, was not satisfied; I knew that if I worked harder and went to another neighborhood, I’d get even more candy and that was what I valued. I was willing to go the extra mile to get a better reward, literally. I walked for miles and miles and when my friends complained of aching toes, heavy bags, and weary eyes, I persevered and motivated them to continue on. I would use silly reasons to keep going like, “Think of the chocolate!” or, “What if they’re giving out king-sized candy bars?!” They always laughed at my reasons but nonetheless came along. We would walk so far that our parents would have to drive to pick us up and we would all gather at my house to count our goodies and rewards.
As I grew older, I dropped the activity of trick-or-treating, but the values that it taught me persisted. Instead of trick-or-treating, I volunteer and instead of the reward being candy, the reward that I value most is the accomplished feeling I get when I know I have helped someone, made their day, or simply made them smile. I work every week and thrive on the feeling and it motivates to me to work harder and actively in my community. I do not mind having to do extra work, rather, I get excited when I have a job to do because I know that people are relying on me and that if I can accomplish my task, it will bring happiness to others which is enough for me.
Trick-or-treating taught me that hard work leads to good results, whether it is candy or a smile. I learned how to be a better leader and a diligent person. I loved how I was a strong worker, a person with determination to get a job done right, and I especially love how I continue to carry those traits today. I am a person who is willing to do what it takes to accomplish something, help lead others to an ultimate goal, and strive for the best. Trick-or-treating may seem like a silly activity children participate in but I considered it as an unintentional teacher, and a good one at that.</p>

<p>HI!
You said "reward" way too many times in the first paragraph.
"satisfied with what they got". I would change this to: satisfied with what they had won/received/gained.
"I was willing to go the extra mile to get a better reward, literally" I get what you meant by literally, but the placement makes me think you're saying "LITERALLY A BETTER REWARD", when I know you mean "Literally go the extra mile".
So write, "literally go the extra mile"</p>

<p>"I work every week" at your job? Or volunteer work?</p>

<p>"I do not mind having to do extra work, rather, I get excited when I have a job to do because I know that people are relying on me and that if I can accomplish my task, it will bring happiness to others which is enough for me" change to: </p>

<p>"I do not mind having to do extra work. Instead, I get excited when I have a job to do because I know that people are relying on me. If I accomplish my task, it might bring happiness to others which is enough to motivate me."</p>

<p>"I continue to carry those traits today" change to: "I retain those traits to this day"</p>

<p>I don't like your use of "unintentional teacher". How about "unconventional"? In last sentence, change good (boring) to excellent (better!).
I hope this makes sense! :)</p>

<p>God bless you in your college applications!</p>

<p>Thank you thank you thank you! :D Loved the edits!</p>

<p>But also, does my essay answer the prompt? The prompt being: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Does my essay not only tell, but show? Is it unique? Do you think I should keep it or try a new topic?</p>

<p>This is technically an experience, but is it the most important experience? I assume they want to know who you are, and what sets you apart from, every one else. I would reconsider the topic...</p>

<p>Cathereene, I think this topic could work it's different and fun. What you might want to do to make it more relevant is give specific details about where you work and volunteer and how your learned values apply to what you do. So, I think you should edit the 2nd paragraph down and expand on the third paragraph and it will give adcom more of what they're really interested in!</p>

<p>^ yeah i was just about to say, elaborate on your volunteer work</p>

<p>I would be more specific on the volunteer work! </p>

<p>Besides that, try to be less repetitive. You explicitly talk about how trick-or-treating has helped become more determined in EVERY paragraph. Try to be more concise. Maybe you should let the story show this, and only in the conclusion strongly state the impact of this activity...</p>

<p>Thank you everyone for your inputs! I wrote less about my childhood and more about my volunteer work, and so if anyone has the time, can you please give me another input on it? :) It did become longer, but please bear with me!</p>

<p>As a child, I loved venturing out into the cold darkness of Halloween night in search of candy. Through the excitement of trick-or-treating, I became a more determined and passionate person. That may sound odd; how could candy be so influential? Surprisingly enough, it taught me that determination and perseverance leads to worthwhile incentives in the end.
During elementary school, I always went trick-or-treating with my friends. We walked through countless neighborhoods, asking for a treat, until they became tired and wanted to quit. I, on the other hand, was not tired; I was the one who wanted to keep going, to continue working for my reward. I was willing to, literally, go the extra mile to get a better reward. When my friends complained of aching toes, heavy bags, and weary eyes, I persevered and motivated them to continue on. I used silly reasons to keep going like, “But guys, think of the chocolate!” or, “What if they’re giving out king-sized candy bars?!” They always laughed at my reasons but nonetheless came along and we accomplished our goal of getting troughs of candy.
When I grew older, I dropped the activity of trick-or-treating, but the values that I gained through it persisted. Now, instead of trick-or-treating, I volunteer and instead of my reward of candy, the reward that I want most is the accomplished feeling I get when I know I have helped someone, made their day, or simply made them smile. At the elementary school where I spend my Mondays at, I help children from kindergarten to the sixth grade with their homework. Most of the students I work with are in the after school program because they find it difficult to grasp concepts. Regardless of how often they want to quit, how they feel hopeless in being able to understand their homework, I still encourage them to continue on, to persist in the path of knowledge, and to not give up. I want to see their facial expressions when they understand a confusing concept. I want to see them smile, accomplished at what they were able to do. I thrive on those feelings and that motivates me to work harder and actively in my community. I do not mind having to do extra work or give up extra time. If it means that I can help a student work hard and do their best, then that is enough motivation for me to give back to my community.
Trick-or-treating taught me that hard work leads to good results, whether it is candy or a smile. I learned how to be a better leader and a diligent person. I enjoyed how I was a strong worker, a person with determination to get a job done right, and I am thankful that I retain those traits to this day. I am a person who is willing to do what it takes to accomplish something, help lead others to an ultimate goal, and strive for the best. Trick-or-treating may seem like a silly activity children participate in but I considered it as an unconventional teacher, and an excellent one at that.</p>

<p>Good essay shows you hard working but doesnt tell me much about your personality</p>