UC Prompt #2 (Personal Experience essay)

<p>Hi, this is my UC Personal Statement essay for the second prompt. It is 500 words. I would like some feedback on this (strengths/weaknesses/improvements). And by the way, if there are some words that seem like “big vocab words”, they are actually words are I tend to use a lot in my writing (and I know what they mean).</p>

<p>My hands were sweating as I opened the front door and slowly walked in. It was my first day of volunteering at the Chabot Space and Science Center. For four hours, I was to tell Chabot’s visitors about comets as I showed them how to make a model of a comet using dry ice, dirt, and various other materials. I was feeling nervous, since not only was I unfamiliar with most of the center, but I also lacked prior experience in doing a job where I had to explain concepts to people I did not know.</p>

<p>I could feel my heart throbbing with each step that I took further into Chabot. After signing in, I set up the table that I was to perform my demonstration on and glanced at the other teenage volunteers who were also performing similar science demos to the public. They all seemed to handle their jobs with aplomb. When I finished setting up, I took a deep breath and sat down in my chair behind my table, hoping that I would be able to do my comet demo with the same amount of professionalism as the other volunteers. “It can’t be too hard,” I thought. “If those other guys can effectively talk to visitors, why can’t I?”</p>

<p>Much to my chagrin, I was unable to give my presentation as skillfully as I had hoped to the first few visitors who approached my table. I could hear the question, “What if I mess up?” echo in my head, and I shook with fear as I talked to the visitors about comets and created a dry ice comet. As a result, I ended up stuttering on almost every sentence and nearly spilling the materials I was using to make the comet.</p>

<p>However, as much as it abashed me, I did not allow this initial failure to hinder me from getting better at my demonstration. “I can do this!” I told myself, and with each following group of visitors who came up to my table, I strived to reduce my amount of stuttering and shaking and to learn from my mistakes. By my third day of volunteering, I was able to execute my comet demo as masterfully as the other volunteers had with theirs. What had first seemed like a daunting task now did not seem so bad.</p>

<p>Prior to working in the Chabot Space and Science Center, I was skeptical of the idea that persistence in something I was not good at would lead to improvement. However, my work in Chabot eliminated my skepticism, as I became better and more confident in public speaking through this experience. Now, whenever I give a class presentation in school, I like to think back to that day when I performed my first science demonstration in Chabot and see how much my presentation skills have grown since then. It is a memory that will serve as a reminder that through perseverance, I can overcome virtually any hardship that I may encounter.</p>

<p>Very well written.</p>

<p>I think it’s fine the way it is. If it were me, I might tone down the comparisons to others. Presumably your goal was not simply to look as competent as everyone else, but to wow your audience with the wonders of what you’re showing them. That’s what the punchline of the essay should describe.</p>

<p>Could you give a suggestion on how I might “tone down the comparisons”?</p>

<p>After signing in, I set up my demonstration table and watched the other teenage volunteers. Could I manage to simultaneously manipulate my materials, explain the science of comets, and keep the attention of my elementary school aged audience as professionally they did. I wasn’t sure. I took a deep breath and sat down at my table. </p>

<p>Much to my chagrin…</p>

<p>By my third day of volunteering, I was able to execute my comet demo masterfully. --more explanation here about your great performance…</p>

<p>Thanks for the suggestion! However, I’m not sure I would be able to fit a more thorough explanation of my great performance. I originally thought of including this, but then ultimately decided to leave it out after it went over the word limit. I’m trying to keep this essay at or under 500 words because my essay for the other UC prompt is 496 (so far) and I’m trying to use this essay for the first Common App prompt.</p>

<p>Do you think there are some things that I should take out/shorten?</p>

<p>I think a sentence describing mastering the demo would add a lot. </p>

<p>The essay has a lot of personality up until the last paragraph. Then it starts to get clunky. I think you could tighten it up a lot. You could just end with something like: “Now, when I give a presentation at school, I remember my first day at Chabot, and I marvel at how much those clumps of mud and dry ice taught me: Through perseverance, I can overcome virtually any hardship.” [or something like that]</p>