<p>One of the top fifty girls, the ones who play a part in the senior graduation, the ones in the white gloves, that was me. Latina women are not always expected to succeed academically; we are stereotyped as house wives and stay at home mothers. Growing up with the highest level of education, being a high school diploma, I was destined to follow in my family’s footsteps. However, I recognized that I was on the road to a brighter future. I focused on my school work, studied endless hours and it all paid off; I was acknowledged as one of the top girls of my class. Participating in Ivy Chain was not only an honor, but it was a step towards my “brighter future”.
As I stood on the Graber Football Field at Chaffey High School in a long elegant white dress, high heels and my feet aching, I thought to myself, “I surpassed the statistics”. Dismissing the pain of standing in the freezing cold for an hour, I was proud to be able to participate in such an honorable event. Being eligible for Ivy Chain was always a dream of mine and I performed numerous hours of work and strived to make my dream a reality.
Although life had told me that I would fall behind just as my family did, I took the initiative and turned the other way; the way to success. It is widely known that success is not easy to reach, but without obstacles one does not know what their limits are. Obstacles have gotten me to push myself beyond my “limits”. Who knows if I would have made it where I am today? Would I have been one of the top fifty girls? Or would I have fallen behind, just as everyone said I would?
I value the experience of participating in the Ivy Chain the most because it taught me all the hard work I had done and all the battles that I had faced, paid off. As cliché as it sounds, I truly believe in the saying, “When one door closes, another one opens.” The door for failure had closed; the door for success had opened. </p>
<p>Here are my thoughts:</p>
<p>Consider starting with a more attention grabbing introductory sentence and reorganizing the sentences in your introduction. Here is what I suggest:
I was one of the fifties in white gloves. Participating in Ivy Chain was not only an honor but also a step towards my brighter future. Latina women are not expected to succeed academically; we are stereotyped as housewives and stay-at-home mothers. However, I focused on my school work and studied endless hours, and it paid off. I was recognized as one of the top fifty girls in my class.</p>
<p>As I stood on the Graber Football Field at Chaffey High School in a long elegant white dress, high heels and my feet aching, I thought to myself, “I surpassed the statistics”. …CONTINUE TO ELABORATE IN DETAILS WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY. USE VIVID, DESCRIPTIVE SENTENCES TO MAKE THE READERS FEEL WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.</p>
<p>Consider removing this paragraph:
Although life had told me that I would fall behind just as my family did, I took the initiative and turned the other way; the way to success. It is widely known that success is not easy to reach, but without obstacles one does not know what their limits are. Obstacles have gotten me to push myself beyond my “limits”. Who knows if I would have made it where I am today? Would I have been one of the top fifty girls? Or would I have fallen behind, just as everyone said I would?</p>
<p>Read this article which includes a successful UC #2 essay:
<a href=“What It Takes To Get Into UC Berkeley”>http://www.forbes.com/sites/jasonma/2011/12/20/what-it-takes-to-get-into-uc-berkeley/</a></p>
<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck!</p>