<p>Happy New Year 2013!</p>
<p>I have just finished my essay for UMD application with promt no.4: </p>
<ol>
<li> “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” - Aristotle
The intellectual, social and cultural differences embraced by the University of Maryland are integral to the fabric of our community. The strength of the University is realized through the contributions of every member of our campus. We understand each individual is a result of his/her personal background and experiences. Describe the parts that add up to the sum of you.</li>
</ol>
<p>Here is my essay:</p>
<p>I love lions, as my favorite animation movie is the masterpiece ‘Lion King’, with Simba the lion being its main protagonist. At the moment the closing credits appeared on the big screen, I knew that the image of the bravery and fearsome adult Simba was engraved deeply into my childish mind; I wanted to be a real-life adult Simba when I grew up. Unfortunately, time went on and my beloved Simba faded gradually as “teenager” came toward me like an unwelcomed guest. After this horrifying and perplexed period, my inner lion image was even more blurry; at one time, my precious childhood memory of Simba the Great was no longer present. My anger towards life at that time could only be matched by my loneliness. When I was alone, I would crush an innocent grasshopper, which is my favorite insect, violently with no mercy. And when in public, especially in class, I behaved like a spoiled little brat; being rude and angry to everyone became a usual act. The inner lion was too powerful for me to cope with; its wrath and acrimony resulted in my fatigue and exhaustion. But that was not all; my grades sank dramatically like there was an anvil attached to them and my friends did not want to communicate with me at any given chance. I did not want to dwell with it; I wanted to escape from it.</p>
<p>Finding a solution was much harder than I thought it would be, but giving up is not my nature. My methods of achieving a so-called “calm soul” varied: enjoying anime on TV, letting myself be freed in the cold indoor pool in the middle of a harsh summer, and eating strawberry ice cream. Through that long process, I finally made some progress; my inner lion was partly calm, but the anger and fury were still there and I knew it. Then one day, when I was watching “Finding Nemo”, I noticed an extremely calm and cool Australian turtle named Crush. He was cool and friendly and was able to lead other fish to their destination. A sudden realization came to my mind in regards of Yin and Yang. There will always be contradictions in me just like Yin and Yang, anger and calmness, and I have to compromise those aspects as nobody is perfect. Time goes on until one day Tetsudo, the diamondback terrapin mascot invokes my memory one more time.</p>
<p>I know it is exceedingly over 400 words ( 300 limited ) and i will try to make it shorter. Your thoughts, comments and suggestions on my essay will be much appreciated, thank you!</p>
<p>I’m just going to delve right into this…</p>
<ol>
<li><p>the first sentence, the opening couple words “I love lions” is a bit weak. you need a more powerful introduction. when i first read that i was expecting a lot less deep and meaningful essay. remember: first impressions last</p></li>
<li><p>“I knew that the image of the bravery and fearsome adult Simba was engraved deeply…” correct it to the BRAVE and fearsome adult Simba</p></li>
<li><p>“I wanted to be a real-life adult Simba when I grew up.” awkward, a little ambiguous as well. perhaps you should rephrase this and make it clearer. what do you mean a “real-life adult Simba”? expand, and don’t be so elementary with your words.</p></li>
<li><p>“Unfortunately, time went on and my beloved Simba faded gradually as “teenager” came toward me like an unwelcomed guest.” awkward again, and you need more punctation. maybe you could switch it to “unfortunately, as time went on and (the term/being a) “teenager” approached me, much like and unwelcome (unwelcomed is not a word) guest, my beloved Simba had gradually faded from memory.”
or something like that. you can even do a deeper analogy with Simba. say something like
“my beloved Simba had become nothing more than mere memory.” or “i had gradually lose sight of my beloved Simba like mountains fading in the distance”. be creative!</p></li>
<li><p>“After this horrifying and perplexed period” - must agree! horrifying/perplexING</p></li>
<li><p>“my inner lion image was even more blurry” - awkward. “the image of my inner lion had only blurred in my mind more” (something along the lines of that)</p></li>
<li><p>“I behaved like a spoiled little brat; being rude and angry to everyone became a usual act.” - don’t use a phrase like “spoiled little brat” in a college essay! and perhaps you could vamp up the monotonous adjectives “rude/angry”</p></li>
<li><p>“But that was not all; my grades sank dramatically like there was an anvil attached to them and my friends did not want to communicate with me at any given chance.” </p></li>
<li><p>the two parts of this sentence don’t really go when you add in the simile. separate them.
-punctuation near the simile: “my grades sank dramatically, like an anvil was pulling them down.” also, “at any given chance” is kind of awkward and unnecessary, try rephrasing! </p></li>
<li><p>“Then one day, when I was watching “Finding Nemo”, I noticed an extremely calm and cool Australian turtle named Crush. He was cool and friendly and was able to lead other fish to their destination.” - try not to say “cool” two sentences in a row</p></li>
<li><p>“Then one day, when I was watching “Finding Nemo”, I noticed an extremely calm and cool Australian turtle named Crush. He was cool and friendly and was able to lead other fish to their destination. A sudden realization came to my mind in regards of Yin and Yang. There will always be contradictions in me just like Yin and Yang, anger and calmness, and I have to compromise those aspects as nobody is perfect.” - very deep but all the allusions are a little random, try integrating them more smoothly</p></li>
<li><p>“Time goes on until one day Tetsudo, the diamondback terrapin mascot invokes my memory one more time.” - this doesn’t go at all with what you were saying your whole essay! it needs to wrap up your main point/thesis and leave the reader satisfied. unless you state something about being a Terp early, it’s just sort of confusing. </p></li>
<li><p>you need to stress more why you were so angry. you kind of just state it without that much emphasis as to why - and thats the whole point of the essay!</p></li>
</ol>
<p>ENDING THOUGHTS:
very deep, and unexpectedly intellectual. though, many points are very random (which is understandable, it is hard to say so much with such a limited number of words). you need to tie things in together better, fix punctuation, get a clearer thesis, and try not to be so obvious with your imagery (again, try to just integrate it into your writing). good rough draft, but you need some work!</p>
<p>Thank you for your kindly reply!!. I am now applying duct tape to my essay, more like a draft actually. Do you think a reason for my anger is that MUCH important? I feel there is a gap between my flow and i need some one to confirm this.
And i definitely need to tie things up, my draft is all over the place.</p>
<p>maybe it’s not that important, but if you chose not to stress it, then you have to identify the “parts” of you more clearly. i feel like there needs to be more of a point to what you’re saying. </p>
<p>no problem btw :)</p>