university of chicago essay! help please :O

College Essays
1

<p>can i get some feedback on one of my essays for the university of chicago? please?
this is the prompt:
Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.)
Inspired by Kelly Kennedy, a fourth-year in the College.</p>

<p>heres the essay. help please.</p>

<p>words: 733 (and im trying to get it down to 500, is that the limit? i read somewhere its not though…)</p>

<p>Not So Typical</p>

<p>I was caught on a November evening shirtless, pant less, and in front of a crowd of hundreds of people. No, I didn’t lose a bet and no, it wasn’t a dare, but it was my own decision, after a bit of convincing. Here’s the story….
Some people have a fear of heights, others bugs or spiders. For some it’s even public speaking. Well, I’ve ridden the Kingda Ka, inadvertently swallowed a fly and given several speeches in front of hundreds of people at a time, so none of those are my personal fear. My fear however did used to be wearing a bikini. This is typical coming from a teenage girl faced with 21st century media and looking at airbrushed pictures of Victoria Secret’s models, but for me, a girl who has won two pageant titles, typical? Yea, right. Even more atypical would be when and where I wore my first bikini.
I have been competing in pageants since I was six years old making both of the titles I won well earned and well deserved due to my dedication, commitment, and motivation to win. These pageants weren’t your typical beauty pageant, but scholarship programs that aimed to increase the confidence of girls and young women. As a result these pageants have NO SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
By the time I was fifteen I decided to try out my first swimsuit having pageant—Miss New York Teen USA. I had been avoiding this system for a while because of this, but my mom and sister finally convinced me to try it. I would get over my fear of wearing a bikini alright, only I would do it in front of hundreds of people and be judged while doing it! Yikes!
When the day of the pageant came I was in a competition with about 140 girls from all over New York. I was in one of six rooms with twenty of them. The room was really small, and had one mirror (that everyone hogged of course), and hairspray everywhere, and makeup bags all over the place, and the choreographers screaming “Where’s number ONE-OH-FIVE?” every three seconds. The entire time before I had to go on stage I kept my satin red robe on and I would not take it off. Finally, the moment had come and I had to remove my robe. I was so self conscious. I looked around and saw girls in their bikinis with bodies of all shapes and sizes, but they had such confidence and they didn’t seem to care what other people thought, and that was when I truly realized what this was about. Yes, I was here to win, but wasn’t doing a pageant about taking risks? Wasn’t doing a pageant about gaining confidence? Wasn’t a pageant about having fun?
At that moment I became so much more relaxed than I had been before. Finally it had been my turn on stage and as the emcee announced “On to the center of the stage we have Talia Stewart…” that’s how I was caught. Without a shirt, without a pair of pants, but only a bikini top and bottom I felt the lights on me and relished in the moment. I smiled my biggest smile and walked to the center of the stage down the “cat walk.” I made my way to the end of the stage, posed to take my picture, turned around and continued to walk back to my spot. My first time ever being half naked in front of so many people!
Although I didn’t win, being caught that way in that pageant allowed me to get over my fear and gain a different type of self confidence. The self confidence I gained allows me to appreciate and feel comfortable in my body, something I know lots of girls my age struggle with. This helps me in life, as I have realized that your fears are only as scary as you make them out to be and it’s okay to conquer them head on. Most importantly this experience has humbled me. I thought I knew everything about myself, and self confidence before but after, I learned I looked pretty good in a bikini, and to never doubt myself again.</p>

2

<p>No, no limit for Chicago prompts.</p>

<p>First paragraph. “Pant-less” as opposed to “pant less.”</p>

<p>Second paragraph. “…none of those IS my personal fear.” “Yeah” instead of “yea.”</p>

<p>Third paragraph. Comma between “old” and “making.” “…titles I HAD won…” Dash between “well” and “earned.”</p>

<p>Fourth. “Swimsuit-having pageant.” I prefer “all right.”</p>

<p>Fifth. Comma between “came” and “I.” “Self-conscious.”</p>

<p>Sixth. “…but only a bikini top and bottom AS I felt the lights on me…”</p>

<p>Last paragraph. “Self-confidence,” not “self confidence.” “The self-confidence I HAD gained allows me…” I like the use of “many/much” as opposed to “lots of/a lot of.” Last sentence is awkward; I would write “Whereas I had previously thought I knew everything about myself and self-confidence, it was only afterwards that I learned…”</p>

<p>Fine essay. A little weak towards the end (“…something I know lots of girls my age struggle with. This helps me in life, as I have realized that your fears are only as scary as you make them out to be and it’s okay to conquer them head on”). Otherwise I thought it a nice answer to the prompt.</p>

3

<p>wow so many mistakes! thanks!
yes, you are right. that is a little bad. ill redo that part. :slight_smile: thanks</p>

4

<p>DSI, are you absolutely sure it’s none of these IS?</p>

5

<p>“did used to be wearing a bikini” sounds wrong…could you change it to “did involve wearing a bikini” or something? </p>

<p>Anyway, I really liked your essay, especially the first paragraph. Very interesting :)</p>