I know that I’m still relatively new here, but I’m going through a crisis with my daughter. She was recently admitted into Princeton (ED) and we were so thrilled that she had been such a great student, but last night she told me that she was pregnant. This is major, as I am not sure she can handle a pregnancy on top of the transition into Princeton’s rigorous workload. There are a few options here. One: she can try to take a gap year, but I am worried she will never go back to college and not be able to provide for her child. Two: she could put the baby up for adoption and start Princeton spring semester, but I know from experience that that can be a traumatic ordeal. Three: She could marry the guy that did this to her (her devout Mormon boyfriend who wants to stay in the baby’s life). Four: and this one is dark, she could “back out” of the pregnancy (if you know what I mean). We have roughly 16 weeks to decide this. This is a major decision for me, as I am risking my daughter’s future with the well being of my grandchild. What do you all think???
My sympathies for the angst that I’m sure you are all experiencing . I have a feeling that this thread could end up with serious TOS violations. I hope not, but this is a very controversial subject, with all kinds of emotional/religious/moral undertones attached to it.
It’s so hard to say what one would do in this situation without actually walking in those moccasins. I wish you and your D all the best as you try to figure out the best course of action.
Absolutely no disrespect intended, but you might consider that rather than doing this “to her,” he did it “with her.” Unless she was raped (I sure hope not), she shares the responsibility equally with him.
I’m sorry your daughter is facing a challenging situation. And I understand your concerns.
I don’t understand a couple of things though:
~I don’t understand “the guy that did this to her.” Did what? I assume their being intimate was consensual? If so, she played 50% a part of that. She also must not have taken precautions to avoid pregnancy. It just seems odd to me to make that statement,.
~You state: “This is a major decision for me.” It truly is a decision that belongs to your daughter, not you. It’s not up to you. As well, I suggest supporting whatever she decides, though certainly you can be there to discuss the options, though I would not sway her with your view on what you think she SHOULD do.
Are they still in a relationship? You say that they would have to get married, but they could continue the relationship and take equal responsibility for the child, and see how things progress before committing to marriage, if they hadn’t planned on marrying this soon before the pregnancy occurred. Each option has pros and cons and hopefully your daughter can talk to a supportive, unbiased person to help her sort it out.
My heart goes out to your family. Your daughter will need your support as she grapples with her decision. Life rarely goes how we expect, but it tends to all work out the way it’s supposed to in the end.
My advice would be to seek advice from a trusted doctor - or counselor - or pastor. You’ve gone from “I don’t have a promiscuous daughter” to “she’s pregnant” in days, and I’d think you and your daughter could use some professional help to make this life-altering decision. The folks on CC don’t know enough about you, your family, your daughter, your finances, your job (would YOU raise the child while the girl is off at the Ivy League?). This is too big for an online bulletin board, IMO. Seek firsthand advice at home.
First of all my heart goes out to your daughter for having this decision to make. I’m glad she came to you. IMO - Princeton is not relevant. Any girl her age with an unplanned pregnancy will face the same challenge of how to proceed. I agree counseling would probably help her discover what that is for her.
@PattiMother23 I’m sure your world feels very chaotic right now. Your daughter probably feels it 10x more. Whatever she decides, just know that many, many people before her have faced a similar situation and gone on to have very successful, happy lives. Love her, support her, and make sure she knows this isn’t the end of the world!
My sympathies also. Having two daughters I can thank my lucky stars that we haven’t had to deal with this, at least not yet.
Clearly how to deal with this is a very personal choice which you and particularly your daughter is going to have to deal with. I will not speak badly of any choice you might make, but will speak highly of one possible choice.
Someone I know quite well (a close relative) was adopted. Her birth mother was an undergraduate student at a very highly ranked very well known university in Canada. Her mother chose to have the child and give her up for adoption. She was adopted by a wonderful family and has had a very successful and very good life. She has always spoken of the wonderful love that she got from her adopted parents (who I knew well), who she refers to as her mother and father. To me the birth mother probably did pretty much the two most difficult things that she could do, having the baby and then giving the baby up for adoption. However, in this particular case this was almost certainly the best thing that the birth mother could do for her baby, very much including the “giving up for adoption” part. In Canada adopted children have a way to send a note to their birth mother, and this person that I know has sent a letter to her birth mother telling about how wonderful her adopted parents were and very strongly thanking the birth mother for what she did. I am pretty sure that the birth mother ended up graduating from the university one year later than she otherwise would have.
I think she needs to seek counseling immediately. She doesn’t have 16 weeks to decide if she wants to terminate, assuming she is 4-6 weeks pregnant.
I’d not worry about college at this point. Colleges will always be there. Focus on counseling for her, for the couple, for financial and life planning (and those may all come from separate sources). There is also counseling available for you and your spouse to help your child make decisions.
At the same time the OP will need to do some thinking about the level of support she is willing to offer. Letting her daughter live at home over the next year or accompanying her to counseling sessions at an adoption agency are one thing. Agreeing to raise her granddaughter while her daughter goes to Princeton is entirely another. OP, what has your daughter said to you about what she’s thinking? Does she have an idea about what she wants to do?
Adoption can be emotionally wrenching, and it’s not for everyone, but if your daughter is open to it she should know she would have a great deal of control over who her child would go to and how much contact she could have. Open adoptions are very common today. She would have many choices among couples who would be over the moon to raise her child and could arrange to have frequent visits written into the contract.
I think before making any decisions your daughter and the father will need some time to digest the fact that she’s expecting. I would recommend a counseling session at your local Planned Parenthood or with a private counselor experienced in such situations. Be careful to avoid counselors with a pre-existing bias, such as explicitly pro-life groups or who work directly with adoptive parents.
Adding: Feel free to PM me. All three of my kids are adopted and I used to work with an adoption group that included mothers who had placed their children with adoptive families.
@sue22 has a good point, you need to know what level of support you can/are willing to offer and she should also find out the same of the father’s family.