@menloparkmom, that link is totally on point! Everyone here is starting to dissect the OP, her (assume OP is a female) parenting skills, etc. So silly. It’s just a phase that so many kids go through and is perfectly summed up in menloparkmom’s link.
I love the link menloparkmom provided, When Children Turn into Cats. The message is to sit and wait patiently for the teen to come to you, the parent. Don’t overly correct or you drive the cat/teen away. Like everything, there has to be balance. I’ve got to find my balance in this “soiled nest” stage.
mom2collegekids: “Even if the near-adult-child doesn’t “improve” much when you’re guiding/correcting them, it still is important that they “hear” the correction, so that they will at least “hear” that their behavior is unacceptable…otherwise, they’ll think it’s ok.”
Very wise advise. Thanks.
One word, however, approach this emerging new adult as an adult. Address them as you would another adult and not a recalcitrant child. It has usually worked better and it definitely doesn’t work when I forget.
Can’t add too much here, but once kids become “kidults” it IS important that they still understand that basic respect and politeness is necessary. It doesn’t matter if they’ve leaving for college, the military, or if they’ve lived away from home for a bit. “My house, my rules” still applies. That means, at least in OUR home, that elders are treated kindly and with respect. It means offering to help out and doing what you’re asked to do. It means not skulking in your room when there are guests. It means helping clean up, or offering to bring in the groceries.
My middle kid was a BEAR from 17-21. Just impossible to be around. But I never shrugged my shoulders and let her act that way because it was “typical”. She still had to do her best not to make others miserable. And after one visit, around the time she was 21, she said, “You know Mom, you were right. I was always listening to you, even if it didn’t seem like I was.”
I had never heard of “soiling the nest” before CC, but some of the behavior I’ve read about would not be tolerated in my home. Even kidults can be reminded to check their attitude.
The type of behavior described on here as part of “soiling the nest” would never have been acceptable to my parents… and they are about the most passive parents you can imagine. Not that they were doing my laundry or cooking for me, but that would’ve been the end of that and any other support other than a roof over my head.
People of all ages should be expected to act like decent human beings. You don’t get a pass because of your age (once you’re a teen).
One of my kids is not working very hard this summer. She’s going to be very sad next year when she doesn’t have any spending money at college. She thinks she has a lot of money in her bank account and she does, but only because she got a refund from the college because one of her grants came in late in the year. I’m using that money to pay for tuition next year. Our deal is that my kids pay for their own books and spending money, and her books are expensive. She’ll be very sad. My other daughter is working at a girl scout camp, and thinks she’s going to have a lot of money come late Aug; I think she’ll have just enough for books.
Both of my kids are dreaming of taking cars back to school. I don’t say anything but it isn’t going to happen. They know nothing about taking care of cars, they don’t have the money for gas, and I don’t have the money for insurance. But I don’t argue, I just don’t say anything.
We were awful when this happened. OP this is very common.
I got tired of the rolling eyes from DD the summer before her move so, since SHE decided to become the coronated princess and banish us from her kingdom, we (the other parental unit and I) decided to be the peasantry and go out into the kingdom.
We emailed our other two peasants saying that we were going out and to get ready to go. After going out biking, hiking, movies, beach, dinner, brunches and other places, the DD princess would ask where we were going. Our one-word juvenile responses: “out”. “See you later you have the house all to yourself! We’ll be back late. Make a sandwich for dinner.”
This apparently got old really quickly for the princess as she would try to guess when and where we were going and would conduct espionage by staying in the family room. We were really awful and the youngins were even worse. She eventually started asking if she could go with us on the next outing. We would often ask her, “but don’t you want your privacy with your friends? We are just respecting your privacy, just like you asked”.
Juvenile? Yes. But it worked after we set some ground rules.
Agree with all here, if you don’t tackle an issue, it doesn’t get tackled. I wasn’t afraid to set expectations for my girls and hold them to it. Manners, family contribution, personal responsibilities. Balanced with downtime an fun.
I also agree how very important it is to treat them as emerging young adults, because your relationship IS changing and you want the new version to be a good one.
And Mom2, yes, they need to hear the correction, know your standards are still in place. We don’t always get perfect results, but I can see them growing. And that’s good. The family team.
My 19 yr old is home for the summer and acts much the same way. He stays in his room (can’t work in the UK so no job) most of the day, just popping out to eat and be rude/snarky. I do give him chores, which he completes without complaint. And I insist that he leaves the house at least once a day. I’ve been increasing my hours at work, just to give us more space.
I’ve found that the best way to get a decent, respectful conversation out of him is to take him out to dinner. Then I get my old charming son back. I also see that he is still a “human” when around others (at church, with grandmother). So I suppose this is just a phase.
I don’t always manage to do it, but when I put myself first, things always work out better with my daughter. It seems like the less I obsess about how she feels, what she wants, and how I can help her, the better our relationship is.
Example: we have a family reunion on the mainland coming up. It was just going to be my 12-year-old son and me, but I got the brilliant idea to have my rising Senior daughter come and piggyback college tours to all the great schools I’ve found though CC (thanks, gang). The more suggestions and plans I had, the more surly she got. I finally, without drama, said we can’t afford it, and she’s staying home. She has been so much more pleasant!
It seems like one of those old-fashioned dating tips, the more you ignore them and have tons of fun without them, the more they like you…
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My middle kid was a BEAR from 17-21. Just impossible to be around. But I never shrugged my shoulders and let her act that way because it was “typical”.
She still had to do her best not to make others miserable.
And after one visit, around the time she was 21, she said, “You know Mom, you were right. I was always listening to you, even if it didn’t seem like I was.”
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^^This
You want to be the “voice in their head.”
Ugh…I can so identify! Oldest DD started this around Feb. of her senior year in HS. She was always a wonderful child…excellent student, held a PT job all through her senior year, 3rd in her HS class. We bought her a (used) car at 16 but insisted she pay her own insurance (which she did happily). All of a sudden in senior year she became so oppositional, rude, and entitled. I swear I was counting down the days to college drop off. Then, once I did drop her off, I cried like a baby lol. This behavior continued when she came home at Christmas and Thanksgiving at which time I suggested a residential job as a camp counselor might be a good fit for the following summer. She did take a job like that and got a little better but over the years that behavior did come back now and then. Saw it again when she was entering graduate school at which time I told her that you have graduated from a 4 year school and are on an Assistantship so now you can take care of yourself in the manner to which you feel you should become accustomed. After awhile she came around and very recently (when her 20 year old sister had really been exhibiting the same behaviors this summer - and yes it started the summer before college) told me that she realizes how she acted these last few years and understands now that she sees me going through it with my younger DD.
Lord help me, I don’t know if I have the strength to go through this in 8 years with our 10 year old DS. I may have to go into a home lol.
Sorry the old"soiling the nest" doesn’t work for me. My kids know that they live in a “benevolent dictatorship” lol. I give them plenty of love, leeway, money and freedom to thrive and become responsible adults. However, one word answers, being nasty to the grandparents, not doing chores, wont fly in the kingdom…
The month of May all three kids were home, one new college grad, rising college jr, and my rising hs senior. Their bathroom was an absolute mess. I got tired of asking them to clean it properly. We spent a large chunk of money getting their bath remodeled last year. So I gathered them in the hall, explained one last time my expectations, and said" if I have to tell you again, all cars are gone". They all know, including the college grad that I mean business. They have the luxury of low mileage cars, already great credit scores, vacations etc. They know when they come home, everyone is rotated back into the chore list, which really is only dishes, counter, 1/2 bath, and dusting LR and DR.
I figure we have taken care of most things tuition, room, board, cell phones, car insurance.We only ask that they work during the summers to earn spending money during the school year. I think that is a pretty good deal. So the least they can do is try to be cordial, and be a contributing member of the house. Sure they stay locked in their rooms, son gaming, girls social media, and Im okay with that. However, when I do call you, or engage you in conversation you will not be rude to me. I am not your friend.
I always mean to be patient, but at some point, when certain lines have been crossed I will launch into serious dressing downs. Disrespect is one of those lines.
They know it too.
When either of my kids started up with the (albeit minimal) version of this, I told them outright that they were “Soiling the Nest.” It’s such a mortifying and condescending phrase that they immediately turned things around. But then I’m a mean mom.
I like AL34’s approach–telling the kid that you understand that this is a phase she is going through, etc. A kid in this phase is so contrary that she may change her behavior just to prove that you don’t know what you are talking about.
I have to say that it doesn’t sound like OP’s daughter has a particular virulent case of this–mainly, it sounds like she’s grouchy and surly. You can’t just expect her to snap out of it because you don’t like her mood. You can expect minimum standards of behavior, and it sounds like she’s complying with that (barely).
I also think this is a tough phase for parents, especially those who are used to having a lot of control over their kids. They are about to leave, and that control is going to be seriously weakened. So I suspect that for some parents, this seems like one last chance to exert more control, when really less control is what is probably best at this point.
If there are any jobs around - if not minimum wage jobs but others like mowing lawns, pet sitting, house sitting, helping a neighbor clean out garage/attic/basement. Volunteer somewhere that could be career related. Find a friend in the same boat and go exercise together every day. Getting out with others may help. Do a lot of her friends have jobs or not - are they all too much ‘at loose ends’?
It helps that both H and I do work at parenting with different ‘angles’. Funny how ‘benevolent dictator’ came up on this thread, as H uses this terminology with his Jr High/High School student rocket teams.
My DD was working at trying to find a job the usual ways. For a few weeks, she applied at the usual places that advertised currently hiring (Target and Home Depot). Neighbor owns a drink place (Smoothie King), so DD and I stopped in and brought her resume, and she got put on the schedule a week later (owners knew she was a good worker, and dependable). At first she only had about 5 hours every other day, but a college student didn’t return (and didn’t contact them either) and two workers found other jobs, so now DD is getting more hours. They are open a lot of hours 7 days a week. When home on longer school breaks, will offer to work if they are in need (their two kids do a lot of fill-in work currently too).
Some kids have to be shoved a little in the nest - DD will do things if it is her idea, or when she decides enough is enough and will venture out. McDonalds in our area actually had a HR person at one of our 24 hour McDonald’s for a few hours when I stepped in (this was before DD had her summer job, and I called DD to go put in the on-line application and come to that McDonald’s as the HR person was there a few hours longer) - DD was concerned about fitting in with the diversity of the employees and refused to follow through - H even texted her and she refused him. Her uncle actually was a McDonald’s ass’t manager while in pharmacy school, but her fear of co-workers in some of these McDonald’s (based on talking like they were in the hood) - she just believed it would be torturous. She is in with good employees with her current job.
DD goes to a $10/mo gym nearly every day with hs/college friend that didn’t get a summer job.
I know she will be glad to be back at college, although she is enjoying a rather restful break at home.
We also are getting cover letters and resume out for internships next summer - found out in her field in our area (civil eng) the companies start fall for the next summer - she will be more light-weight in courses after finishing sophomore year in college, but has two summers of very different job experience which hopefully will be a help.
We have two DDs with differing personalities. As others have said, you do need to lay out expectations and consequences (be it rewarding the other kids and leaving the ill-behaving kid behind). It is a delicate parenting act to push w/o pushing away. I do tell my two that we parents have their best interest at heart, so even if they disagree with our advice, we love them and want the best for them.
Some kids go through challenging behavior early, others later. I do remember a couple of events DD1 missed in grade 2 - 5 range where she thought she could be the boss, and the consequence was missing the activity (she thought we were bluffing I guess). I stayed home with her - and she did cry a lot about missing the fun too, but the lesson was learned ‘the hard way’.
Certain teenage things are privileges. Most kids do not have to have their driver’s license at age 16 (some families, it makes it easier for the parents) - so if they are not behaving maturely enough. Same with use of car, paying for cell phone, etc. Earlier parenting can help with the foundation for teens who believe they are ‘adults’ under parents’ roof. Balance of freedoms and responsibilities.
Yes, it is typical and many go through it in various degrees. DS1 was just a pistol from age 15 until he left for college. We were ready to strangle him for constantly pushing the envelope all the way until he left. DS2 is/was my easy child. But this summer, although still pleasant, seems more moody and not so talkative. I’m starting for the first time to get: Me texting: Be home at 10:30. He texting: I’ll be home at 11;00, I’m at XXX. LOL! He’s never been like that before. So, I do think it’s all normal and each child will vary in how they are to some degree.
I wouldn’t make your household a battlefield, but I would lay down some rules and expectations. I know it can be uncomforable when they are trying to make you uncomfortable by not answering, or rolling their eyes are whatever they do. But just straighten your spine one day, and tell her to sit down you have a few things to go over with her.
I do have to stay that DS1, after 3 years, has become a different, pleasant young man. Someone told me that would happen, but i didn’t believe it 
I agree with @conmama I tell D what I expect from her, and when. Otherwise I try to give her as much space as possible. When I was her age, I didn’t really want my parents to be that much involved with me, either.