My D has become so darn unpleasant! She’ll be off to college in a couple months, and I might be relieved to see her go. She has always been a good kid, and she still is…very driven academically, responsible, teachers love her, leadership in HS, doesn’t party at all, good choice in fiends. But at home, she is no fun to be around! She spends most of her time in her room, doesn’t join in any family conversation, answers questions with one-word replies, is practically rude to visiting grandparents, doesn’t voluntarily help around the house, and often “forgets” to do the few chores asked of her. I’ve seen these tendencies for the last few years, but lately it all seems more pronounced.
She’s never had a job (for a variety of reasons wasn’t able to work the last 2 summers, and her HS load was very heavy), and hasn’t put too much effort into finding one this summer. So she lazes around and it bugs me. (I don’t give her spending money and she doesn’t ask me for things, but she has some money from birthdays for the bit of socializing she does.)
We have sacrificed a lot to make her college choice possible (and many other things she’s enjoyed while growing up) I believe some gratitude and positive contribution to our family (i.e., unload the dishwasher without being asked, clean up after yourself, spend a few minutes conversing like an adult) would be appreciated.
I’ve never really done the, “Change your attitude, Young Lady” thing, and I’ve tried to treat her with kindness, grace, love, and maturity. It’s just not being reciprocated. This is probably common. And I guess I should be happy that we aren’t dealing with bigger problems. How would you all handle this?
I would call her out on it. My 21 year is home for the summer and I would still let her know when she is not acting like a human being.
As far as doing chores around the house, it is hard to expect them to do things without being asked, so I just lay out for my kids what I expected them to do. When both of my kids used to live at home, I would email them a to do list early in the morning so there would be no false expectations and non-deliverable.
As far as chores, back when I was living at home, I would have preferred parents were direct with what they needed me to do. I don’t think it’s fair for you to be mad at her when you never asked her.
Remember when she was a toddler and all the parenting books talked about the terrible twos really being about the child’s struggle between wanting to be independent and wanting to be protected?
It’s baaaaaack.
Also, often a subconscious defense mechanism from a child who doesn’t want to admit their fear of leaving home and going to college.
OP, google “college and soiling the nest.” You are not alone.
My D can be lovely some days, and no so lovely other days. I make her get up at a certain time every morning (except Saturday) and I give her a chore to do. She also picks her sister up from summer school every day. When she’s crabby, I’d just as soon she stay in her room. However, I will not tolerate rudeness toward other people - like grandparents. If she did that, she’d be facing stiff punishment. Good luck! I think this phase will pass.
We always said you are given the summer after senior year so you were glad to see them go in the fall. All four did this in some fashion. It IS like 2 year olds not sure if they want to go or stay. If they want to be protected or independent. They have to separate but are afraid, too. Some basic rules can help, but like a 2 year old you can also just try to streer clear of known traps.
@oldfort the OP said, “She has always been a good kid, and she still is…very driven academically, responsible, teachers love her…” I don’t know why you are assuming she was never taught to be polite or considerate. I’m assuming “good kid” means typically polite and considerate.
I agree with much of the above, but no matter, some of the control is in your hands. Do you do her laundry? If she doesn’t do her chores, stop doing the laundry. Do you cook most of the meals? Tell her meal cooking is a family chore that you take care of, but that she will be on her own for her meal prep if she doesn’t complete her family chores. I mean, I know you don’t want to hold her meals hostage, but you just can’t allow her to take advantage of the house and family that way! The attitude is one thing (and I agree totally rude) but doing her share is part of being an adult - 18 and going to college - or, maybe she isn’t ready for college.
Still your house, she is still living there and is part of the family unit. No if’s, and’s or but’s - she must do her fair share to benefit from the fair share of others.
And next winter/spring, make it clear to her that she needs to find income for the summer. Working doesn’t always fit in with the family plans, but sometimes you have to adjust the family plans for this normal, routine part of young adult life.
but can’t be nice to her grandparents and only answers her parents with one-word replies does not make her a nice/polite kid. OP said it has been going on for years, not just this summer.
OP - I don’t mean to say your kid is not a good kid, but if her behavior is not acceptable to you then why wouldn’t you ask her to change? Would it better coming from your or from her friends, boss, or co-workers some day?
This is very common. My 19 years old kid was very similar, acting up, but she’s slowly turn around. I think by the time she is 25, you get your “old” kid back.
OP,
this is a wonderful, very funny essay written by Adair Lara about teenagers a while ago.
copy and read it when you are just about to scream at the top of your lungs or kill her- eventually she will revert to her old wonderful loving self . It just takes a while…
an excerpt:
"I JUST REALIZED THAT while children are dogs, loyal and affectionate, teenagers are cats.
It’s so easy to be the owner of a dog. You feed it, train it, boss it around and it puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It follows you around, chews the dust covers off the Great Literature series if you stay too long at the party and bounds inside with enthusiasm when you call it in from the yard.
Then, one day around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. "
She spends most of her time in her room, doesn't join in any family conversation, answers questions with one-word replies, is practically rude to visiting grandparents, doesn't voluntarily help around the house, and often "forgets" to do the few chores asked of her. I've seen these tendencies for the last few years, but lately it all seems more pronounced.
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House rules such as:
This is our home. In our home, the members will:
give polite replies…not just a grudgingly mumbled yes or no.
be very loving to grandparents (heck, they won’t be around forever!) provide examples of what’s expected.
join in and help when she sees the parents are doing some chore…making dinner, cleaning up after, etc.
do the chores assigned
Then there should be some sort of consequence when rules are violated.
H has one niece and one nephew (different families) who are rude, dismissive, lazy, etc. Don’t know why there hasn’t been some sort of effort to correct/guide their behavior.
Have to agree with Oldfort on this one. While teenagers will be teenagers, they only get away with as much as they can as far as parents will allow. Her D is not starting middle school but graduating HS.
Sorry, but op seems almost afraid of confronting or disciplining her D. IMO, if we think our kids are perfect, we are creating monsters. Be a parent.
It is “normal” for kids soon to leave home to be filled with angst and the “you are SO stupid” and eye rolling. They are filled with the fear that they will fail. I would also love to tell you that if you haven’t experienced this yet: You are so LUCKY. You must have done many things right.
And I might add the youngest Ellebud still “knows” that she is always right.
Oh boy…so much of that sounds like my surly teen! I have the rules and manners discussion about once a month now. He rarely talks or comes out of his room. He does his chores but forgets.
He does have a summer job, so that will get him out though!
this sound like nothing more than another case of "soiling the nest " syndrome, which is a subconscious reaction by many teens to their impending departure for college. It makes it easier for them to leave home. Its hard on the parents. but it does pass.
This is so common that we old timers can count on seeing new posts on this subject EVERY summer.
take deep breathes. try not to over react. At some point in the not so distant future she will turn back into the wonderful DD she once was.
Even if the near-adult-child doesn’t “improve” much when you’re guiding/correcting them, it still is important that they “hear” the correction, so that they will at least “hear” that their behavior is unacceptable…otherwise, they’ll think it’s ok.
That said, a teen is very likely going to try ignoring the correction at first HOPING that you’ll give up. Don’t give up! Figure out the “currency” to encourage “good behavior” and discourage “bad behavior.”
Each family has to figure out their own consequences, but if I had an 18 year old who stubbornly refused to respect family rules, I would figure out a consequence that rewards the family members that respect those rules…mini vaca? nice dinner out? I certainly would be in no mood to take a dismissive teen on a mini-vaca. I could see myself announcing, “Family members who respect the house rules are welcome to go on X trip next month. Those who prefer to thumb their nose at the house rules can stay home.”
Thanks for the input. I go back and forth between “this is normal 18 year old, preparing-for-independence behavior” and “even if it is typical, it’s not acceptable in our family”.
She is responsible for her own laundry and she will do the chores I ask (but not always timely). She isn’t out-right rude, just not overly friendly or pleasant (to me/grrandparents)…some of the time. Like she just can’t be bothered to engage in a conversation. Other days she is cheerful. I’ll have to google “soiling the nest”. I haven’t heard that expression before.
And I probably need to be firmer about what is acceptable. For the most part, I don’t think people respond well to being corrected. I did a lot of correcting when my kids were younger, but I’ve tried to have a more positive approach as they’ve moved into high school, encouraging the positive behavior and ignoring the negative behavior (unless it is really negative). But I’m sure I’m guilty of backing off too much.
All four did this in some fashion. It IS like 2 year olds not sure if they want to go or stay. If they want to be protected or independent. They have to separate but are afraid, too. Some basic rules can help, but like a 2 year old you can also just try to streer clear of known traps.