<p>*In my head I know the GF is off limits, but my heart is finding it difficult to sit back and watch this unfold. She’s a holdover from HS and we thought she was gone but have discovered that she isn’t going to let that happen. My son agrees with many of our concerns about her, but he doesn’t seem to be able to cut the ties. Mostly because he doesn’t want to and she keeps making promises. *</p>
<p>It sounds like he’s telling YOU want YOU want to hear about the GF, but in reality he has some strong ties to her…hence the many, many texts. If he really wanted to keep her at an arm’s length, then the texting would be more one-sided and he’d be using school as an excuse for less communication with her. </p>
<p>It sounds like this GF is at another school? Is your objection that she’s not a very good student? You’re right to be concerned that a GF is hurting ones grades, but they’re too young for you to worry that she’s not right for him…unless you’re worried that she might purposely get pregnant over the holidays (you may need to make sure your son is savvy on that note!)</p>
<p>It may be that your son likes the thought of having a GF and that would change if he found someone else at his current school. However, that might just mean spending more time with the new GF. </p>
<p>As for the grades, I don’t know how far they’ve fallen - only that he is struggling more than usual. He has to keep a 3.5 to maintain his scholarship.</p>
<p>Yikes! A 3.5 can be hard for a freshman to maintain. Many frosh who’ve always had high GPAs in high school find their GPAs dropping a lot that first semester or two. You need to get a handle on this. Does your son let you have access to his grades?</p>
<p>With respect to the girlfriend, I would say that what you do in your social life is obviously your business (this will show him that you are not over-controlling), but that it becomes your business if the girlfriend is impacting negatively on his school work, and that you are paying big money for him to go to school, and that it is his job to carry out his part of the bargain, and to work hard.</p>
<p>I made a decision to not see grades. They were not mine. I made a decision to let my son make it on his own. He was on a BIG scholarship. He had tough times. He told me this summer when he was on a visit, terrible times that he had to dig himself out of and he figured it out and did. I am glad I never knew. I did get a letter from the Dean saying he was doing so much better. At the time all I did was whisper under my breath, “good.” I had too many other family responsibilities and my own illness at the time. He made it on his own. No battles with me. He’s married and has a great job and a masters. Glad I let him go.</p>
<p>If the texting is costing you extra for his phone, make him pay for it. He may choose not to have an unlimited texting plan (that is what my D did as a college freshman – she pays me monthly for that portion of the phone bill).</p>
<p>What is his course of study? A 3.5 is very hard to maintain – it is my opinion that colleges that set that GPA are doing a bit of a bait & switch, especially in tougher majors like math/engineering/science. They know a certain number of students won’t keep their scholarships, and they will be able to offer them to a new crop of bright eyed freshman the next year. </p>
<p>If you can’t pay for his schooling if he loses the scholarship, then I think you should have a conversation with him about this. But I think you may deserve some blame (if there is blame to be had) for not recognizing that colleges do this thing with the expectation (heck, even goal) that some kids will fail at that high bar. It does not necessarily mean your son is not working hard, college is almost always harder than high school.</p>
<p>If I were him and thought you had a poor opinion of my GF and you thought I was slacking (when I was really working hard), I might have an attitude, too.</p>
<p>Once you tell him all the things you expect him to modify, you might surprise him by asking if there’s anything he wishes you’d do differently. At that point, he might take the chance to express his feelings about your speech patterns to him. Are you ready to hear about that and – if he has any fair points – make changes, too? </p>
<p>This is a way to treat him more as an adult. Not every parent thinks this is a correct power balance, but in my book, two adults have the right to say what they want addressed, even a parent and child.</p>
<p>He might appreciate knowing that you’ll also be reflecting on, or even changing, something at the same time he is. We’re all a work in progress. It might make him feel better about working harder on his schoolwork, knowing you’re also trying hard to improve something, too.</p>