<p>Pizzagirl… The point that I was trying to make was that if the OPs daughter told Elsie what she needed so that she could be happy with the situation, Elsie would have an opportunity to either try to make the situation better or she will continue with the behavior she is exhibiting. The person with social skill issues will not be aware of a problem unless they are told. People on the spectrum can not be expected to understand the nuances of social behavior. It is for this reason, that I think an invaluable lesson could be learned for the OPs daughter. It is important aspect of learning how to live in the world. The OPs daughter is not in an unsafe situation and I agree it is not the most pleasant situation that one could hope for, but it is a real situation that depicts the types of things that one must learn how to navigate in life. I am not unsympathetic to the OP or her daughter but I am more sympathetic to the pain that Ellsie must feel. Children and adults who are on the spectrum do have feelings, and often people think they do not, because of their lack of social skills.
I lost sympathy around the point to which the mom and daughter seem to be planning the master scheme on how to rid a human being from the daughters life…sorry but that just really upset me.</p>
<p>momma-three. The OP posted the below. What more do you think her D needs to do? From what the OP has posted, seems the D has been doing all of the accommodating while Elsie has continued to do whatever she chose to do.</p>
<p>There’s no evidence that Elsie is unhappy with the situation. Maybe she’s someone who’d prefer a single, but if she can’t get that is happy basically being by herself in a double.</p>
<p>"D is home now, and just told me last night that she continues to invite Elsie to join her when she’s going places (I thought she had given up), but she never accepts. It’s also very hard to engage someone who has headphones on all the time and appears to have no interest in campus life or other subjects. Elsie lives in her half of the room, D in hers. (And it’s quite firmly divided in half–Elsie had no interest in reorganizing the room to a more pleasing, homey configuration, one that would give both girls a feeling of more space, as many students did, but would require an intermingling of their furniture.) "</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Actually, you may have hit upon the next best move for this situation. It has been a while since I chimed in (I had post #2), but I stand by my suggestion that she needs support in this situation. And perhaps a therapist might be in order here. </p>
<p>Not suggesting that your daughter has any significant mental illness or anything of the kind, but often when dealing with unexpected loss (death, disaster, disease, etc.) a few sessions with a good therapist can help a healthy person deal with these situations.</p>
<p>In your daughter’s case, the loss of the “freshman dorm experience” is something she has not dealt with. Clearly she came to school with an idea in her mind of what her lifestyle would be. When Elsie’s living practices made that quite unachievable, she became sad and has had a problem moving past that reality and the accompanying sadness since then.</p>
<p>Perhaps when she gets back to school, she should see the school counseling clinic to discuss her living situation. It would probably be less of a “challenge” to the idea that this isn’t her problem than to go to an outside counselor, as college counseling services are marketed as help for students with life at school, not so much the heavy duty “couch sessions” that tend to stigmatize and scare off many students.</p>
<p>I wish the OP would come back and tell us what Elsie is saying to the computer, because I’m getting really curious about that. This thread has been so interesting because of the different points of view about the situation.</p>
<p>"Actually, you may have hit upon the next best move for this situation. It has been a while since I chimed in (I had post #2), but I stand by my suggestion that she needs support in this situation. And perhaps a therapist might be in order here. </p>
<p>Not suggesting that your daughter has any significant mental illness or anything of the kind, but often when dealing with unexpected loss (death, disaster, disease, etc.) a few sessions with a good therapist can help a healthy person deal with these situations.</p>
<p>In your daughter’s case, the loss of the “freshman dorm experience” is something she has not dealt with."</p>
<p>I agree with this. S didn’t get along with his freshman roommate. Roommate was a big time partier: Even now that S is 21, he doesn’t drink. Roommate apparently thought that S was a nerd in need of salvation because roomate would try to get S to party. S declined – with irritation.</p>
<p>Roommate, an athlete, left his sweaty workout clothes all over the floor and seldom did laundry. The room stunk. Saying that from experience.</p>
<p>Roommate would bring women into the room and have sex while S was trying to sleep.</p>
<p>Roommate lost the door key, refused to get another, so S had to carry his valuables with him at all times.</p>
<p>Just a few months into freshman year, S and his roommate were no longer speaking.</p>
<p>However, S had a happy freshman year. He made friends who weren’t like his roommate. He used the library for studying. He used air freshener when he had to be in his room. He did not complain about roommate to us much. S was too busy taking advantage of the classes and ECs that he loved. He seems as happy now --as a junior with roommates that are friends – as he was as a freshman. </p>
<p>So… I agree with goaliedad that your D may find counseling helpful so she can let go of her hopes for a better rooming situation and move on to find other ways of meeting her desire for friendship and a pleasant college experience.</p>
<p>Frankly, I don’t understand why your D is still inviting the roommate to socialize with her. It seems the roommate has made her preferences clear, and the D should feel comfortable going about her own life without trying to include her roommate.</p>
<p>“I lost sympathy around the point to which the mom and daughter seem to be planning the master scheme on how to rid a human being from the daughters life…sorry but that just really upset me.”</p>
<p>Some people look for evil in situations, some don’t. It was one option brought up and quickly dismissed, not some grand plot. This isn’t about which roommate is worse off, it’s about who’s needs are being met. It seems like Elsie’s environmental needs are being met more than OP’s daughter’s.</p>
<p>"“I lost sympathy around the point to which the mom and daughter seem to be planning the master scheme on how to rid a human being from the daughters life…sorry but that just really upset me.”</p>
<p>I don’t see anything wrong with the D’s moving out so she can get a different roommate. Just because one gets a random freshman year roommate doesn’t mean one needs to stay with them for a year if one is unhappy with them.</p>
<p>Students switch roommates all of the time. It’s not a big deal.</p>
<p>It is interesting, the different points of view, blue. Wouldn’t you think we’d have something better to do right now (like cooking and cleaning, avoid, avoid). Too bad we don’t have Elsie’s point of view, as we have not heard one single positive thing about her, but that the roomate has been 100% in the right. Strangely enough, my family arguments always seem to go that way too. And of course, I’m always the one who is right.</p>
<p>“Too bad we don’t have Elsie’s point of view, as we have not heard one single positive thing about her, but that the roomate has been 100% in the right.”</p>
<p>She goes to class. She doesn’t party. She doesn’t have sex while her roommate is there. There are plenty of positive things that Elsie appears to do. It’s just that many people – myself included – would hope for more from a college roommate. However, I’d prefer a roommate like Elsie than an alcoholic, psychotic, desperately needy or sex-crazed roommate like some people I know have had.</p>
<p>Elsie’s point of view seems to be that she won’t go outside her comfort zone. But D is apparently expected to and all the onus is on her. Apparently an Aspie kid’s feelings are more important than a depressed kid’s feelings. That is how this thread comes across to me. </p>
<p>Was that very considerate of Elsie’s parents to send her off to school knowing that she can’t interact even remotedly close to normally? That doesn’t make them bad people, of course, but is that fair to “drop a bomb” on others like that?</p>
<p>Basic courtesy and civility isn’t too much to ask. You know, the D is a human being too, and for Elsie to act as though she doesn’t exist isn’t right. Oh wait - according to some here, it’s all about Elsie’s feelings.</p>
<p>Twice in the same week on two different topics one involving an overbearing mom and this one involving a young lady and her roommate with obvious social issues, the general responses have been to run. I know that is the normal human instinct when in distress, however both posts reveal a great deal about tolerance in the world around us.
I wish the daughter well while I wish Elsie a world that could accept her for who she is. That does not mean a free pass to exhibit poor behavior but instead a place where people who have the ability to understand these shortcomings can apply what they know to make someones elses world a little better. As I have said before, that may not be realistic but it is my wish for Elsie.</p>
<p>Beautifully said, momma-three! Now who could possibly have a problem with that?</p>
<p>I’d like to echo the sentiment that accepting and tolerating (and even embracing) differences is NOT the same thing as living with someone who has such extreme differences. </p>
<p>In my own home, my own kids, whom I love, are expected to modify their lifestyles a bit when they are here. And we’re not sharing a room! And at this point in time it’s normally a short visit, not a year-long co-habitation. </p>
<p>I think that there have been many good suggestions for the OP’s daughter. But to basically imply that anything less than full, happy acceptance of the living situation and the roommates oddities makes her somehow mean and unfeeling is very unfair, IMO.</p>
<p>“That does not mean a free pass to exhibit poor behavior”</p>
<p>Do you think that Elsie, as described, is exhibiting poor behavior? If so, what are you suggesting she should get instead of a free pass? What is the right, non-free-pass response?</p>
<p>I would think it would go a long, long way if Elsie could communicate, even by email to D in the same room, that she appreciates her efforts but that she’s not interested in being with other people and that it’s difficult for her to engage in “typical” social niceties (saying hello when D enters the room, etc). An acknowledgment that “this is the way I am, can you at least meet me part of the way” is better than nothing. Even if the actual behavior doesn’t change.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, yes, and the lame should get up and walk and the blind should see. Good God.</p>
<p>Please stop assuming feelings on the part of Elsie; you have NO idea whether she imagines it would be the “end of the world to have to interact with others.” You say your son has Tourette’s; what you are asking of Elsie is akin to asking your son to NOT have tics or outbursts. Yay that meds work on him, but what if they didn’t? If Elsie is on the autistic spectrum, there is NO medication for her.</p>
<p>Elsie is not stopping the roommate from using the room. If the roommate wants to have friends in, she should have them in. Roommates do NOT have to be involved with each other’s friends. When I had a roommate in college and my roommate was entertaining others, I’m sure I said hello, but I otherwise ignored them – her friends were not there to see me, to interact with me, to talk with me. My roommate entertained her friends without my input, and if I were studying, reading, listening to music, or daydreaming, I went right on doing it.</p>
<p>If the roommate wants to open the curtains, she should open the curtains. If she’s trying to sleep and Elsie’s talking – which talking has NOT been described as continuous, BTW, though some here are assuming it is – the roommate needs to tell Elsie not to talk, just as one would do with someone who was playing the stereo too loudly at bedtime. </p>
<p>Yes, this is not an ideal situation for Elsie’s roommate. I don’t know of many freshman roommate experiences which are ideal. Should the roommate have to deal with someone who doesn’t talk to her? Not if she doesn’t want to – she can move. That solves the problem.</p>
<p>OP, please know that I’m not taking your D to task; she sounds like a lovely young woman, and if she wants to move, I hope she is successful in doing so. I’m just annoyed that people are thinking that someone who, if she has a disability, is supposed to magically be cured just because they think so. It’s called a disability for a reason.</p>
<p>What momma-three says. Be compassionate. Sounds like someone who is experienced with this disability, hasn’t tried to communicate, even through the computer.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My son isn’t on medications and has never been, so I’m not sure why you’re heading down that path. (Nothing wrong with medications if indicated, just not indicated / called for in his particular situation.) Outbursts (as in the stereotypical cursing) describes a very, very small minority of Tourette’s sufferers. His tics are basically unnoticeable to anyone outside the family. However, he used to rock at night (way past the age of a typical small child rocking). It was a moot point since he has his own room at home, but wouldn’t that be something that a potential roommate would need to know / be aware of? </p>
<p>I GET that there is no medication for these disabilities. However, just sending someone to hang like this doesn’t seem quite right. At a minimum, wouldn’t it have been considerate for Elsie’s parents to perhaps communicate with the D about what to expect from their daughter, not to take it personally, here’s a primer of what to expect, etc.? (since Elsie herself isn’t able to) I mean, I would expect a Touretter who did have severe symptoms to communicate to his roommate that tics happens and here’s what to do / how to react to them, rather than leave the roommate hanging and guessing as to what it all means. I think Elsie’s parents do owe some sort of “Cliffs Notes guide” to the roommate if Elsie herself is unable to communicate her condition.</p>
<p>Hanna, you are disseminating my posts and yes I should have put free pass in quotations. I was responding to a term used by another poster. What I mean by not getting a free pass on poor behavior is that when Elsie does something( such as not saying hello when roommate walks into the room) the OPs daughter needs to tell her that she would appreciate a welcoming hello. That is just one example. People on the spectrum need to be told how to respond to situations that come natural to most. I dont think the OP loses anything by trying to learn how to temporarily live with Elsie. I am not suggesting that she marry Elsie just that she make the situation easier for herself and for Elsie.</p>