<p>Momma-three, I agree with you on this one. Roommate can be kind to Elsie and even “instructional” without much personal cost. i.e. “Elsie, it makes me feel bad when you don’t say hello to me when I come in the room. Please say hello when I come in the room.” All of this typed and sent by email, of course.</p>
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<p>Sorry; I thought you’d said his Tourette’s was controlled by meds. And I did truly mean Yay, I hope you know! If meds help someone, I think that’s great; if he doesn’t need them, that’s great, too.</p>
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<p>I don’t think parents are expected to communicate with their kid’s roommates before school starts. (Wouldn’t kids find that kind of “creepy”??)</p>
<p>And it sounds, from the OP, as though Elsie has already communicated the situation very well: she doesn’t like people.</p>
<p>To me, the room is like a duplex. Only unfortunately, the wall separating the two duplexes is invisible.</p>
<p>What I mean to say is, if a roommate does not want to smile and talk to the other roomie’s visitors, she shouldn’t be expected to. If she’s not talkative, just ignore her. Saying it is actually RUDE for the roomie not to socialize with the roomie’s friends is too much. It’s like expecting your neighbors to come over and greet your visitors.</p>
<p>I think we all come at this from the point of our own experiences. For those of you with Aspie’s it hits you right in the heart. The point that stands out to me and isn’t being acknowledged by many of the posters who support Elsie is how difficult and life stopping depression and anxiety can be. Having several family members who have suffered from severe depression and anxiety I know that these conditions can stop one from living a life. That the OP’s D is dealing with her depression and anxiety and getting out and making friends is huge in my book.
For my D who suffers from depression and severe anxiety just getting up each morning and going to class, doing the next right thing is extremely difficult. Finding the right meds and therapists. It takes a huge toll on your self esteem. I know for my D routine is extremely important. As is a healthy stress free living situation. The OP’s D has enough on her plate dealing with her own conditions. For someone with depression and anxiety even going off to college and living in a dorm is huge. Some kids can’t deal with it and come home. They can have just as hard of a time as the Aspie. For both you are away from your rock. Your family, your room and in my D’s case also her long term therapist. You are living with irregular hours and even taking your meds can become a chore.
I give the Op’s D huge credit for making her own transition to college. For my D living in such an situation would not be taking care of herself.
I also think Elsie’s parents should have given the roommate some heads up.
I have a friend whose D is on the spectrum. She turned down her dream school because it required dorm living. She ended up attending college in our town but living in a studio apartment. Both D and Mom knew that dorm and on campus living would not work for the D or for those she might have been dormed with.</p>
<p>And from what the OP said, really, I guess we can’t know if it is an autism issue. It could be severe depression, high medication level, or maybe she just lost her parents. Who knows, though the description did sound dead on for Aspergers. But it has been eye opening to read about the different problems kids have. And very sad for Elsie not to go home for 5 days for Thanksgiving when she lives just a few hours away. The OP’s daughter might have more success with Elsie if she merely tried bringing by a cookie or a soda, and put it in front of her-rather than asking her to go out to a meal. Small steps. It is gracious of her to continue to try.</p>
<p>And for anyone whose kids do happen to have Tourettes, we have an amazing neurologist who prescribes a very low level of Topomax, that does not have near the side effects of the normal medications used to treat it.</p>
<p>mom60, my son also has an anxiety disorder; in fact, that was diagnosed first. (Aspies are at high risk for anxiety, OCD, and depression.) So yeah, I’m sensitive to that side of it, too.</p>
<p>I absolutely agree with you that the OP’s D, if she finds that this is exacerbating her anxiety and depression, needs to get out of the living situation. If her college has been informed of her anxiety and depression diagnoses and what she needs to manage them, perhaps the college should have put greater thought into their choice of roommate for her, and since that didn’t happen, someone, whether D, the RA, Dean of New Students, whomever, any and all, should have been advocating for a room change. </p>
<p>I wonder if the OP informed Elsie of her D’s anxiety and depression? I’m thinking… not. Not that I see anything wrong with that; just pointing out that the pointing out, if desired in one direction, should also be going the other direction.</p>
<p>" I wish Elsie a world that could accept her for who she is. "</p>
<p>Accepting someone for who they are doesn’t mean that one has to be happy living with them. I accept many people including some with serious mental health problems, but I wouldn’t want them for a roommate.</p>
<p>As I asked before: How many of the parents here would have wanted a college roommate like Elsie? It’s hard enough for most students to adjust to college, and it’s even harder for someone with anxiety/depression problems like the OP’s D to adjust. It’s unfair to expect that a normal person or a person with their own emotional problems would want to continue rooming with a person like Elsie. </p>
<p>Sure, perhaps the D could communicate with Elsie via computer, but who here thinks that’s the ideal way to have to communicate with a roommate who has normal hearing? Who would choose Elsie as a roommate for themselves?</p>
<p>Meanwhile, if Elsie really wanted to communicate with the D via technology, presumably she’s tech savvy enough to have done that already. The D needn’t be responsible for all of the communication that they do.</p>
<p>From reading this thread, I am getting the impression that the people arguing “for Elsie” are NOT actually arguing against OP’s D wanting to move or much of anything about OP’s D, but the attitudes expressed here toward people with autism. This thread is going around in circles defensive of something that at this point isn’t being attacked, and many arguments against those being defensive of aspies are being misconstrued and then the entire point is missed.</p>
<p>“How many of the parents here would have wanted a college roommate like Elsie?”</p>
<p>I wouldn’t want a roommate like the roommate I have, on a good day or a bad day she finds some way to make me feel like crap directly or indirectly. She doesn’t have to be autistic for that to happen. It’s my responsibility to either cope or move. That’s how it is in dorms, most students accept this. I have depression and anxiety as well, it’s not like I don’t get it, but that’s just how it is in the dorms. If you’re put in an uncomfortable situation, which can happen under ANY circumstances, one need not be autistic to make somebody uncomfortable, you either learn to deal with it or you find a different room. If we weren’t speculating that this girl was autistic and we just thought she was a weirdo I have a hard time believing anybody could justify railing against her and her parents for not putting herself in a single room where her weirdness can’t bother anybody. Then we would call it a learning experience and forget about it. </p>
<p>“Meanwhile, if Elsie really wanted to communicate with the D via technology, presumably she’s tech savvy enough to have done that already. The D needn’t be responsible for all of the communication that they do.”</p>
<p>If Elsie IS on the autistic spectrum, she could very likely have NO IDEA there is even a problem to be addressed. Why would she fix what she doesn’t know is broken?</p>
<p>I repeat that if indeed, as Owlice said one might as well ask the lame to walk as ask a kid with this level of social disability to maintain a minimum level of civil interaction, that she should not have a room mate.</p>
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<p>Usually, yes. And of course they may have no idea how Elsie might cope with the situation of living with a stranger in a small room, and wouldn’t want to set their D up by telling her room mate that her behavior would be likely be unusual before they even met! Unless she has gone away to summer programs, it is unlikely that she has faced this particular challenge before. Who knows what she is telling her parents now about how things are going.</p>
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<p>Twisted, that’s basically what my college soph said as well, when I described this whole thread to her.
You also wrote:</p>
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<p>Ya think?? 
:)</p>
<p>If you had to make another account to post a thread asking for advice about kicking your daughter’s roommate out, I think you know it’s a bad idea.</p>
<p>I understand what the OP and her D are going through. S4 is roommates with a sophomore who plays WOW all the time, to the point where S4 wondered if he went to class. S4 is not as bad off as his roommate will occasionally speak and relay some, but not all messages. S4 was almost ready to come home, but he started to make friends which greatly improved the situation. He always goes to his friends’ rooms as everyone feels uncomfortable hanging out in his room. S4 also gets his alone time by going to the lounge.</p>
<p>In general, the kids need some form of social interaction. It could be a simple, “hi, how’s it going,” with the appropriate response, not just dead silence or in S4’s case, talking and interacting with the computer. Even a quick wave or other acknowledgment that someone entered the room.</p>
<p>The college offers a lottery for those who want to change rooms for the next semester. S4 decided not to participate because he can work around his current roommate and could potentially get a worse roommate.</p>
<p>Everyone has said people on the autistic spectrum need rules. What I can’t understand, is why the parents didn’t give their daughter some rules for how roommates behave with each other. </p>
<p>I disagree that a room is like a duplex. I lived with roommates who didn’t talk to me. It feels like shunning. I went out and made other friends, but if I had it to do again, I wouldn’t put myself in that rooming situation.</p>
<p>My son also had mild Tourettes. When he was younger and going off to CTY camps, we included a note about it. We would have done the same thing for a potential college roommate if the tics were at all noteworthy, but he’s grown out of the most noticeable ones, about the only thing he still does is jerk his neck occasionally.</p>
<p>Apparently it is the responsibility of everyone else to learn about Aspergers and what it entails and what are helpful and constructive ways of reacting to it. Apparently there is no responsibility on the part of the Asp kid or family to give a roommate, RA, or school any kind of heads up. That’s how some of the responses sound to me.</p>
<p>pizzagirl, you have threads on this board from parents whose kids suffer from clinical depression or are bi-polar and are trying to figure out how to to give the school as little information as possible so as not to stigmatize their child.</p>
<p>I say, imagine showing up Freshman year with a Bipolar roommate, where the administration is not aware of the kids psychiatric history.</p>
<p>And yet- we read from these parents all the time.</p>
<p>So yes- I think disclosure is not only fair to the college, the hallmates and roommate, and health services, but is the only fair (and safe) way to manage your own kid.</p>
<p>My children have their own issues / concerns which may or may not manifest themselves in something that a college needs to be alerted to. I don’t know yet. I understand that this is a fine line. But we’re not talking about someone who’s a little shy and needs a little extra coaxing to socialize, someone who is a bit anxious, someone who is a bit depressed, someone who may go a little overboard on the drinky-poo. We’re talking a pretty severe disability from what I can understand. And not giving the RA / college / health services a heads-up and securing whatever supportive resources are called for seems rather like putting a kid in a wheelchair in a third-floor dorm without an elevator and expecting the roommate to figure it out. That’s all my point is.</p>
<p>Believe me, my heart breaks for all these kids of any sort, suffering some sort of issue, whether it’s neurological, emotional, physical, etc. I know the thought of my child suffering in some way breaks my heart and I can only imagine it’s the same for everyone else.</p>
<p>If Elsie isn’t disruptive, I don’t understand why your D doesn’t move on with her own life. If her bed and wall are very plain, so what? Why not encourage your D to decorate her wall and bed as she chooses, bring her friends to her room, and basically live her life.</p>
<p>I am surprised that Elsie can talk to her family over phone for a long time. What she is talking about? This means she probably wants some social interaction and has abilities for it. Do Asperger kids like to talk to their family members?</p>
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<p>Elsie isn’t doing anything to prevent the OP’s D from using the room. That OP’s D doesn’t want to use it because half the room doesn’t have posters, stuffed animals, and knick-knacks, and does have a student who is already engaged does NOT mean Elsie needs a single room or that someone else would have issues with how Elsie handles living in the dorm. </p>
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<p>Honestly, I doubt having a roommate like Elsie would have bothered me.</p>
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<p>Elsie doesn’t want to communicate. If the D wants to communicate with Elsie, she should do so; it’s not Elsie’s responsibility to figure out that D wants to communicate with her and initiate the conversation.</p>