Unusual Roommate Issue

Parents Forum
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<p>If it were my D in the situation I would want her to realize:

  1. she can’t ask Elsie to leave so she can have a new roommate - your D would need to leave the room.
  2. Your D needs to make the best possible ‘diagnosis’ - if the roommate is autism spectrum disorder, this would be a very different approach than if Elsie is depressed or has other mental health issues. Does she feel in danger or threatened?
  3. As it does sound like it is autism spectrum disorder, your D needs to educate herself about it - a great opportunity to learn more. There are a lot of high functioning, bright, contributing people in our world on the spectrum. Elsie could be a future Dr. Temple Grandin - who knows? Your D should be able to open the curtains and have friends in the room. What a great opportunity to learn more and grow as a human being. Hope she takes the chance!</p>

<p>Let me add, that I don’t mean to sound like your D isn’t compassionate or knowledgeable - I’m sure she is - and she has a right to have a ‘good’ experience too BUT she is not in danger apparently and has a great opportunity to learn more OR she should take the steps to leave the room herself.</p>

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<p>Is Elsie from Japan by any chance? A friend is hosting an exchange student with nearly identical issues. See: [Hikikomori</a> - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori]Hikikomori”>Hikikomori - Wikipedia)</p>

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<p>I would suggest that your D request a room transfer. I am the parent of a kid on the autism spectrum. That said, you D should not have to tolerate a living situation that she is unhappy with- whatever the reason. Having Elsie displaced would be poor form, but requesting a change for your D is a reasonable thing. Your D should be able to invite her friends over to her room. I understand her reluctance to do so- and Elsie may get increasingly anxious w/ more people in the room which in turn would escalate her “odd” behavior which is probably her way of dealing with her anxiety.<br>
This is not an easy situation for either girl, but it may be easily remedied. Many rooms open up after the semester break. It would be worth it for your D to look into getting her name on a list for a room change.</p>

<p>I hope it works out for her. Nobody wants their kids to be uncomfortable or unhappy :)</p>

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<p>SimpleRules</p>

<p>I see what you’re trying to say, but a college freshperson should not be having to make a correct diagnosis of anyone. She needs to take care of herself, probably by asking for a room change.</p>

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<p>If your D and Molly want to room together, they probably will eventually. There may be an entire empty room for by the end of the semester, or they can begin making plans for next year (though be aware that Molly and her new roommate may bond in the meanwhile). Your D will come out of this experience stronger and more resilient than when she went in.</p>

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<p>My first instinct after reading the initial paragraph of your post was that Elsie was on the spectrum.</p>

<p>My D’s roommate last year was a bit odd and a self-isolater but not on the spectrum–she had other issues. She also said that she hated people and didn’t want to socialize with anyone. My D no longer lives with her but they are still on friendly terms and my D is her only “friend” at school. They meet maybe once a week over a meal. My D felt sad a lot of the time last year because of her roommate’s attitude so I empathize with your situation. It is depressing to live with so much negative energy.</p>

<p>Also, my D had a younger friend back in HS who had aspergers. The girl was socially awkward and had a few tics but she was bright and artistically talented. MY D tutored her in English/writing and encouraged her to pursue her education. The girl’s mother wasn’t so sure she should go away to school because she didn’t think she would adjust or make any friends. The girl was able to get a single as a first year for “medical reasons” and while she is not popular she is quite happy at her art school. Perhaps Elsie should have been classified for housing medically in this way, as well. Not that you can do anything about that at this point, and unfortunately, it’s not really up to you, but your D might gently suggest it to Elsie–that Elsie could apply for a single. There could be open singles when upperclasspersons take leave in the spring. Elsie might not be receptive to this idea since she is in her own world, but it’s worth a shot. Maybe Elsie would prefer her own room? Maybe the RA could talk to Elsie about it, too. </p>

<p>I don’t know which school your D is at so I cannot comment on the housing policy, but I’m sure there is something on the school’s website that could give your D some clearer direction about her options. There is usually a housing contract and the rooming procedures posted on the housing site.</p>

<p>I know it’s uncomfortable for your D to have a roommate that doesn’t interact with her in a conventional way, but at least the girl is not antagonistic or threatening in any way. However, if your D is suffering emotionally and she has some sort of diagnostic support for this, it might aid her in getting the school to honor her request for a room change. The semester is nearly over and if she can hang in there for a few more weeks, I’m sure that she will be able to find a new living situation that suits her better next semester.</p>

<p>Good luck. I hope things work out for your D.</p>

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<p>Agree, the D should try to work something out regarding a new room with the new friend or without. To try to move the roommate “out” is less feasible unless the roommate is in “on it.” My son did a switch freshman year with the suite next door, but everyone (all 4 guys) wanted it and the RA took care of all the paperwork for the two guys that switched, it was very simple when everyone is in agreement. The OP’s D should feel free to come in, open the curtains if it’s in the middle of the day, have friends over, etc. The D should not have to walk on eggshells around the roommate. It’s nice that she trys to accomodate the roommate’s behavior but she should not accomodate to the point that she is denying herself her normal behaviors. The fact that after the RA talked to the roommate and the roommate occasionally leaves the room for the library shows that the roommate somewhat understands the situation so the OP’s D just needs to be a tiny bit assertive and reach some compromise while waiting for a rooming change.</p>

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<p>chinchilla, it sounds like D is trying to build a case for getting the roommate out to bring her friend in. Sorry, but that’s how it appears. ‘Elsie’ is not hurting anyone, and the fact that she lives like a monk is a choice, but is not threatening to the D. The fact that you recite her charity efforts with autistic kids and state that she is ‘very empathetic and kind’ are asynchronous with her behind-the-scenes maneuvering to oust the roomie.</p>

<p>I’d say it’s in the interests of Elsie to get out of this scenario and as soon as possible. No wonder she ‘doesn’t like people’ if this is how ‘people’ behave around her.</p>

<p>Look, if D is ‘stuck’ with the roomie, and if everyone is convinced that she is in some way autistic, this is what works:</p>

<p>– D sends ‘Elsie’ an email requesting a meeting. She should send it via email EVEN IF SHE IS SITTING IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HER AT THE SAME TIME.</p>

<p>– The meeting can take place via text message. Sincerely.</p>

<p>– If Elsie chooses to remove her headphones and address D verbally, everything discussed should still be in writing.</p>

<p>– D should establish that Elsie and D need House Rules. These rules should be explicitly stated, as in:

  1. When D enters the room after her 2 p.m. class, she will open the curtains.<br>
  2. When D has one or more friends visiting the room, Elsie has a choice of options, but that D reserves the right to invite friends and they will talk and occupy space in the room. Elsie also has that right.
  3. D will alert Elsie – via text or email – if Elsie is talking too loudly to the screen.
  4. Elsie should communicate issues to D via email or text.</p>

<p>If Elsie is really on the spectrum, all the innuendo or ‘uncomfortable atmosphere’ surrounding her will only increase her isolation. Autistic people function well with CLEARLY stated rules and objectives. They don’t understand “you are making me crazy with your darkness.” They do understand “This room will have the curtains open between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.” or whatever D and Elsie agree upon.</p>

<p>I’m not saying that D should make Elsie her ‘project’, I’m saying she should do what works. There is no reason that D should feel her roommate’s situation ‘depletes her emotionally’, especially if she really worked with autistic kids for 4 years. Surely she must have found strategies that worked!

Sure – the fantasy roommate is an appealing image. But ‘known quantity’? There is no such thing.</p>

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<p>That was a good post, Anuddah. That could work. Also…</p>

<p>“Then I have an older son who has Asperger’s. Like Elsie, he also uses his computer endlessly to watch videos. He just watches skateboard videos over and over and over. He probably drove his roommate crazy too. But I know my son was actually very lonely and really wanted his roommate to invite him to join him at a meal. It was actually a very difficult time for him and he transferred after that year. I know also he would have had a very difficult time transitioning to another room, so I don’t recommend you ask Elsie to do that. Your D needs to change, don’t impose that on Elsie.”</p>

<p>I agree with this completely. Your daughter, now that she will be aware that Elsie obviously has Asperger’s syndrome, should read up on it: [Asperger</a> Syndrome - Asperger’s Syndrome - Aspergers Syndrome - Symptoms of Asperger Syndrome](<a href=“http://autism.about.com/od/aspergerssyndrome/a/adultsaspergers.htm]Asperger”>Traits of Mild Autism in Adults and Children)</p>

<p>and maybe she will gain some compassion. These kids are often very lonely, she needs to make true effort. Consider this concept-showing interest in what Elsie is doing at the time and asking her questions about it. It doesn’t matter if your daughter is interested or not, but this is the way to get into Elsie’s world. My son is lower on the Aspergers spectrum scale than this girl, but when you ask about the things he’s interested in, he will never stop talking. He turns into a completely different person who seems to know how to connect.</p>

<p>If your daughter has a since ounce of compassion for another human being she will help her roomate find a group of people who are into the same thing-same computer games, whatever her obsessions are. These kids have such a hard time making social contacts, it is not that they don’t want to. Whether she ends up moving out (and there is NO WAY she has the right to ask Elsie to move so she can have someone more fun, but she could move out herself) or not, she can actually do one good thing in her life by understanding and showing some generosity for someone else. Yes, this is more important than when she was being a counselor. There were many people at the camp, weren’t there, helping the kids? Now she is the only one. This won’t give her a good college essay topic, volunteer hours or job experience. But she has the rare opportunity to step up and do a truly unselfish thing, be a friend to someone who has no others. </p>

<p>Einstein, Bill Gates and Mozart are some of the people who have been suspected of having Asperger’s Syndrome.</p>

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<p>I like AnuddahMom’s post a lot.
My first thought on reading the original post was that it sounded as if Cmagic’s D hadn’t even tried to bring friends over. How does she know Elsie will make it difficult? She is not responsible for Elsie or presenting Elsie to anyone – she is simply using her room also.
I am not denying that this is a very uncomfortable situation for OP’s D, and having suffered from depression myself, I can see how it may be more than uncomfortable if it exacerbates OP’s D’s depression. But has she even tried to open shades, play music, have friends over? So what if Elsie is doing her own thing in her corner? Or Elsie may choose to take her stuff to the lounge or library more often.</p>

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<p>Oh, and I meant to say –
Are we sure it’s Asperger’s? Could it be that Elsie herself is very, very depressed?</p>

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<p>

</p>

<p>How does this college assign roommates? Do you think the essay was the reason they decided to put her in the same room as Elsie?</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I think this is a bit harsh on OP’s D.</p>

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<p>Why do we feel we have to label everything? What difference does it make? People are all different and have different personalities. The OPs daughter can be a tiny bit more assertive, figure out a way to communicate with the roommate and if it doesn’t work out, look for a different living situation. The predomoinant assumption of this thread is that there is something “wrong” with the roommate. Living with someone is a two-way street, both people have to figure out how to get along or move on.</p>

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<p>What did Chinchillagirl do to reach the spectrum kids at her camp? </p>

<p>Has C-girl tried opening the blinds and bringing in friends? What happened? Maybe Elsie doesn’t particularly care if the blinds are open, but wouldn’t object.</p>

<p>AnuddahMom’s post was spot on. At my son’s school, all roommates are encouraged to make a Roommate Contract of the type Anuddah suggests.</p>

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<p>I agree with what everyone is saying. Just wanted to add that the fact that DD and Elsie are living side by side relatively harmoniously may from Elsie’s perspective be “a friendship”. I have a DD on the spectrum and we definitely know when she DOESN"T get along with someone. Where your DD feels distance, Elsie may feel as close as she is capable of feeling. Thus, I wouldn’t necessarily underestimate the hurt feelings Elsie would feel if DD left her.</p>

<p>This doesn’t mean that DD shouldn’t move, just encourage her not to underestimate the amount of explanation (albeit maybe one sided) that DD would need to do with Elsie. Just because Elsie likes to be alone doesn’t mean she can’t feel lonely or abandoned.</p>

<p>Also, on the curtains, Elsie may not be resitant to them being open, it may be just that she is not bothered by them being closed. Does that make sense?</p>

<p>I agree with setting the written rules of the room. Concrete, visual, written. Maybe one of the “rules” will be that they eat a meal together twice a week.</p>

<p>Elsie is definitely in “her zone” but that doesn’t mean she can’t be pulled out of it some. I’m actually quite impressed that she has found her routines and comfort so quickly. I can only hope my daughter transitions that well when it is her turn to go to college. I’ve never met an autism spectrum person who couldn’t be nudged.</p>

<p>No matter what happens, DD will come out of this wiser and unscathed as long as she handles it in a dignified manner. Giving Elsie the boot would not be dignified.</p>

<p>We watched a movie on demand a couple of days ago called “Mozart and the Whale” about a group of Asperger’s and Autism people making their ways through life. My 16 year old daughter strongly identified with a couple of characters in the film. Your daughter is not a clinician but she CAN watch a movie and eat popcorn.</p>

<p>Good luck with this outcome, DD doesn’t need you to handle this for her, but she does continue to need sound advice. I’ve found with my kids that my advice is usually what they settle on, it just has to seem like they thought of it themselves.</p>

<p>Also, good point vicariousparent, it’s possible it was DD’s essay itself that got her paired with Elsie in the first place. Parents may have said “she might need a single but if we could find a roommate who could understand and deal with her issues”. I’m channeling my own feelings a little bit there, but that’s what I would want for my daughter. Desiring the least restrictive environment for your child is not something that stops once they graduate from high school.</p>

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<p>My daughter had a roommate very much like Elsie freshman year. I didn’t meet the roommate when we moved in, so when my daughter would tell me about her on the phone I didn’t really understand and kept urging her to be friendly and try harder. When I visited my daughter, I found out how odd it can be to be in a tiny room with someone who basically acts like you are not there. When I introduced myself and talked to her, she stayed at her computer and gave minimal answers. While my daughter and I moved in a awkward futon to go under her lofted bed, the roommate watched-not even offering
to hold the door open for us. I can not fully tell you how weird the situation was, so I don’t think others can realize what it must be like for the OP’s daughter. My daughter
tried bringing friends but everyone would feel uncomfortable and want to leave. My daughter did put in for a change with housing but when another room was available, it was a different hall and a worst location. So my daughter passed on starting all over again with a new unknown roommate. She stuck it out the whole year and the situation
never changed. I think she spent most of her time elsewhere. Luckily the roommate would go home some weekends. The RA was aware of the situation but really didn’t help at all. We use to talk about how there could be much worse roommates and I think my
daughter just learned to deal with the situation. One other thing to consider, this roommate would get sick all the time, over and over again and since she was always in
the room, my daughter would often become sick too. Sorry, I don’t have better advice, but I did want you to know you aren’t alone. The good news is my daughter is so happy
and grateful with her living situation this year and a very tolerant roommate. She is also
much healthier this</p>

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<p>dbwes and others questions those of us generating solutions based on diagnosing Elsie online with no solid info and that is a valid point of course, as we do not know Elsie’s personal issues, nor do we know how much was disclosed by her parents on her application, nor do we know if they were placed together because OP’s daughter had volunteer experience with some people with this disorder as a high schooler. Depression, mania or even psychosis can be present in roommates, and no 18 year old should be expected to diagnose and have a “treatment” plan or even a “roommate contract” with someone who is clearly already unable to gauge the effect of ongoing talking out loud to the computer among other differences socially that are jarring and wearing.
I think it is a huge disservice to OP’s daughter to paint her as a bad guy because she is worn down by exposure to a condition she has no information about and I question those with degrees and positions in mental health services, learning differences services and residential services who admitted Elsie without any visible plan or visible (to OP) monitoring of her adaptation socially.<br>
I had to caution my own son many times in high school re his belief that he could “change” his friend for the better (his friend would talk about odd things intensely and in great detail that were not age appropriate and that did not belong in normal topics at a high school table…and my son would sometimes try to curb him or challenge him or help him not alienate the other fellows…never the less, all the other boys changed lunch tables once this Aspie friend was included and asked to join them by my kid.) Many days, my son would come home discouraged, puzzled, frustrated etc by his Aspie friend’s lack of boundaries and complete lack of social insight. My son was only a teen and I both want to encourage him to be positive, open and hopeful and to also help him understand that some handicaps must be accommodated and accepted as biological and neurological.<br>
Personally, I think that those people at her college assigned to exactly these tasks of accommodation and of assimilation of students with special needs should be in the loop now and that solutions should be under consideration that are respectful of the mental health and wellness of both students.<br>
I also don’t think for a second that any one else’s son or daughter would not be distressed by the OP’s daughter’s situation. I think that there are adults, including the OP’s parents, who would not at all be surprised that Elsie is difficult to accomodate 24/7 as a roommate. Displacing blame on the OP’s daughter is completely a copout. Those who are adults on campus should be putting their heads together, conferring with the OP’s parents, getting releases of info signed for whatever limited “sharing of info” should take place to help Elsie’s classmates muster up their best game in accepting Elsie’s limits and in cheering for Elsie’s hopes for her own future, and there should be alternatives explored to protect both young women that are more realistic.
ps it is so valuable to hear from parents of young adults on the spectrum in this thread. I just got home with my college freshman last night and he had already arranged to see his Aspie friend this weekend. His friend can’t function in large social settings with him but they do quite well as a twosome, and they do exchange emails. It is definitely a two way friendship. This particular young man with Aspergers has amazing writing ability that my son finds extremely rewarding and interesting even though the subject matter is pretty obscure. His Aspie friend also has a lot of wit although he shows it on paper rather than in person.<br>
The human race is just so very flawed and varied. I am pleased that my son recognized and responded to his Aspie friend’s character and talents. I think more of my son’s classmates would have reached out if there had ever been any way of interceding and explaining and framing things for them.</p>

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<p>From a purely pragmatic standpoint, I’m wondering that would be so bad about having this girl as a room mate. Your D is not a) getting sexiled nightly, b) having to take care of a drunk room mate every weekend, c) having her stuff stolen, d) being lied to ad naseum, e) having a room mate keep illegal drugs in the room, f) having a room mate throw load parties at night (every night), g) having a room mate who is cruel, mean, rude, etc., and so on. I know many people who would probably jump at having a room mate like Elsie over the ones they had!</p>

<p>This is not to say that Elsie may not have some issues that may require help, but in the scheme of things, the rooming situation doesn’t sound THAT bad.</p>

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<p>Here’s the deal-OP’s daughter did not recognize what the problem was, so she has dealt with it in the normal fashion of being discouraged, rejected, and feeling like she wants to give up.</p>

<p>Now that she has been given more information and understanding of the issues, she will be better equipped to deal with it. It is a new day.</p>

<p>She can make the choice. Does she want to step out of Elsie’s life or does she want to make an important impact on someone else? If you see a car go off on the side of the road in an isolated area-will you keep driving or will you pull over? </p>

<p>It is such a minor task for her to merely learn a little bit about Aspergers. Try some of the things that are being suggested here to get through. Ask Elsie questions about the things she is absorbed with, make a small connection. I’m just asking her to make the attempt with ways that might be effective, not to change Elsie into someone else.</p>

<p>I am so grateful that my child went to an amazing school, full of kind and compassionate people. Some of whom never gave up. I have realized that even though it often seemed like nothing mattered to him, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Thank God that people never stopped trying.</p>

<p>Faline, you should be so proud of your son, it sounds like you have raised a very good man.</p>

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<p>OP, my heart goes out to your DD. Clearly she has tried to be friendly…I don’t read your post as helicoptering or trying to solve her problem. I read you as a concerned parent trying to give DD some advice on handling this herself.<br>
I think she should apply for a room transfer without reservation.</p>