Unusual Roommate Issue

Parents Forum
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<p>DD had a similar situation her freshman year. The reality was that DD’s room simply was NOT going to be the gathering place for friends at any time…largely due to the barren nature of the “decor” and the fact that the roommate, when there, was studying or sleeping. </p>

<p>BUT DD just dealt with it. Gatherings on the floor were with other students and in other rooms. DD KNEW that she could not ask this gal to move out (even though it didn’t seem she would care). </p>

<p>The reality was DD felt this roommate was as uncomfortable with HER as DD was with the roommate. They just weren’t ever going to be friends.</p>

<p>Soph year, DD had a great roommate. JR year and this year, SR year, she has roomed with the same gal…someone she says is great and will be a lifelong friend.</p>

<p>It sounds like the OPs daughter is making friends, and branching out. I would focus on that aspect. Sadly, sometimes roommates do NOT work out well. </p>

<p>If there is an opening elsewhere, perhaps the OP’s daughter might consider moving out of her current room. I honestly believe that is the only option available unless this roommate decides to move out on her own accord.</p>

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Yes. My son and a friend of his roomed with an Aspie classmate (I’ll call him “Don”) for a couple of weeks. This young man behaved very similarly to Elsie throughout the time. Among other things, Don would march through the room closing the curtains and turning off all the lights at 8pm, hush anyone who spoke, complain loudly if anyone’s iPod was audible to him, and jump up to turn off any light the other guys turned on. (Aside, Don also happened to snore like a buzz saw.) It was a miserable and exhausting situation for my son, but he got through it with the help of the friend, who was thankfully mellow. And mostly by staying out of the room until curfew time, which seemed to please Don as well.</p>

<p>Afterward Don’s mom gushed to me what a great time it had been for her son, how proud they were of how well he’d managed, and wasn’t it so wonderful that they’d gotten to room together the whole time? (Other students involved in this event changed up several times, but none were willing to swap and room up with Don for a night.) The difference in perspectives was staggering.</p>

<p>For four years, that high school class revolved around the task of adapting to Don’s “odd” behavior (which included self-abuse, graphic descriptions of sex and violence during classroom discussions, and even death threats to specific classmates). It was especially difficult for my son, who was a rival in some areas and was on the receiving end of some (very minor, but deliberate) physical harm, yet was also on Don’s shortlist of potential buddies, with his mom frequently trying to broker a friendship between the two.</p>

<p>My son made a great personal effort to understand, tolerate, and work with Don over those four years. I understand that Don was making great efforts of his own too, of course. The two of them are on good terms now and can get along together, maybe even enjoy each other’s company, in small doses in calm settings. But it wasn’t “a minor task to merely learn a little bit about Asperger’s.” It was walking into a completely different world, where the other person innocently but relentlessly sucks up all the oxygen in the room.</p>

<p>Chinchilla-gal can have compassion for Elsie, but imho she should not feel the slightest trace of guilt over wanting to change her dorm situation. She went to college to be a student, not a therapist for her randomly selected roommate. Right now, she has no “home base” to retreat to, rest, and gather her strength. If she gets that, then maybe she can spend time reaching out to Elsie, including her in get-togethers that are small and brief enough for Elsie’s comfort and everyone else’s, and discovering Elsie’s wonderful qualities as a person.</p>

<p>I agree that the roommate who wants a change (in this case, chinchilla-gal) should be the one to move. In the meantime, AnudduhMom’s advice in post #28 is the best I’ve seen on this thread. It might be helpful to have the RA endorse the “house rules” after the girls agree on them and post them in their room; in my son’s experience, peer-developed rules only lasted a little while before Don found some rationale that would override the rules, while rules made by school authorities stuck a bit better.</p>

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<p>geek_mom, it sounds like your son endured a miserable situation, while trying his best. But do not assume that all Aspies are violent and rude-most are just quiet, socially uncomfortable and in their own world. Most would never say an unkind thing to another, Don sounded unusual for an Aspie. If you have read through this thread, you will see that.</p>

<p>Nobody is suggesting that she should try to become the girl’s psychotherapist. It DOES help to learn just a little bit about Aspergers. We spent 19 years not understanding, and now just having a tiny bit of information really does make a difference. Having more knowledge will help her decide if she wants to stay in Elsie’s life or get out. If she decides to go to another room, fine, but she absolutely doesn’t have the right to force Elsie out. And if she moves, it would be generous of her to maintain contact.</p>

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<p>I must have missed a post. What “house rules” is the roommate breaking? I didn’t read any “rules” that sounded broken. RA’s typically enforce the residence life rules. They can’t MAKE a roommate be more talkative, study less, stay up later/earlier, or be more friendly. </p>

<p>If this is REALLY an issue for the OPs daughter, the OP’s daughter needs to request a room change for herself. BUT keep in mind…she might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. </p>

<p>I’m not saying this is the ideal situation for the OPs daughter. It’s not. BUT she has options…SHE (OPs daughter) can request a move to a different room.</p>

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<p>^ thumper, you missed a post. In post #28, AnudduhMom suggested a structured way for chinchilla-gal to negotiate “house rules” between the two of them for their dorm room. Given what I’ve been told about Asperger’s syndrome, it seems like a good approach – Aspies follow rules! But our high school’s experience with Don suggested that it matters who is involved in setting the rules.</p>

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<p>I don’t think the OP’s daughter should kick Elsie out of the room. The OP’s daughter should be the one moving if she wants a change.</p>

<p>I agree that there are worse roommates than Elsie (staggering drunk ones, ones who steal, etc), but on the other hand, maybe the OP’s D would feel up to dealing with those more “typical” college situations situations than she is with Elsie. Obviously she is uncomfortable with this living situation . . . I think the OP used the words “creeped out.” There’s nothing wrong with moving out of an uncomfortable situation. She is under no obligation to make Elsie her “project” and Elsie has already turned down D’s friendly gestures and said she hates people. Elsie is the one who has to want to meet people in order to make new friends; it doesn’t sound like she wants to, or maybe she’s not capable of it at this point in her life. Maybe someday.</p>

<p>I do think it’s worth trying to communicate with Elsie via texts/e-mails instead of face to face, like someone suggested. Maybe Elsie is more in tune with texts. It sounds like there need to be some ground rules about opening the shades and such.</p>

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<p>I don’t understand how people on a message board can just try to diagnosis someone. You aren’t doctors. Honestly, who knows what the roommates issue is. If she isn’t hurting the OP’s daughter, I don’t understand the problem. She isn’t required to socialize if she doesn’t want to.</p>

<p>They share a room; it belongs to both of them. Has the daughter tried to bring friends into the room? Did they set any basic ground rules when they first moved in? Like…for this time to this time I’d like to be able to use my room to study so it cannot be dark in the room, etc.</p>

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<p>I just want to clarify that even though I wrote about ways I thought the OP’s daughter might still give this situation a try (by attempting to live her life normally, inviting people in, etc.) I am not at all of the opinion that this is no big deal, she needs to just deal with it, etc. I can only imagine how unhappy my own D would be.</p>

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<p>My condolences. My D also had a roommate like this freshman year. Whether she had any issues, I don’t know, but it was an uncomfortable situation. When D tried to make up a contract, the roommate demanded it be all her way. No give and take at all. D could not read in bed at night or at her desk, even with one of those little book clip-on lights, but roommate could wake up at 6am and turn on the radio (even on a weekend.) Roommate came unglued when she came back from work at 8:00 pm and D had 2 friends from their floor that roommate knew in the room watching movies. Everyone had to leave. No amount of discussion about sharing worked. D wanted to move, but she would have had to move off the floor and away from her other friends, so she stuck it out. She just stayed away to study and spent a lot of time in the rec room and in the hallway with others from the floor. Very difficult year. The sad thing is that next year, D had her choice of roommates, but the roommate had no one - she only spoke to 2 other girls on the floor. Roommate got a single in the least desirable dorm which was due to be renovated and she and a couple other people stayed there during renovations. D, on the other hand got a great room in a suite and it was her first choice. At graduation, all of D’s friends and her parents applauded when she crossed the stage (as we did for all the girls) but when former roommate crossed, there was only one person applauding - her mother. D said that the students around her asked “Who is that?” Considering there are only about 1700 students at the college, and she worked in the library where everyone went at some time or another, no one knew her. This at least validated for D that she wasn’t the problem, and roommate was her own problem. Because believe me, D kept trying everything to at least work out some sort of accommodations with her, but to no avail.And this caused her to have some doubts about herself and her ability to live with others. Thank heaven this resolved itself the next year. If there had been a way for D to move and stay close to the other girls on the floor, she would have jumped at it, and I wish it had been so. Believe me, this is a no-win situation with this type of person.</p>

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<p>I don’t understand how people on a message board can just try to diagnosis someone. You aren’t doctors. Honestly, who knows what the roommates issue is.</p>

<p>I think the people who were “diagnosing” her were simply noting that this girl has similar symptoms to their own children (or close friends) who have Aspergers. </p>

<p>I think they were just trying to offer a possible explanation for the behavior. </p>

<p>I do agree that the OP D needs to be the one to move out. :)</p>

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<p>Actually, bluealien, there are a ton of doctors on cc. And nobody is trying to give an official diagnosis, they just recognize very probable signs of aspergers. There are several parents here with experience on that issue. People are merely giving suggestions of ways to try to deal with this girl, which is exactly what the OP was asking for. And I’ll bet you that she now has an entirely different perspective on this problem.</p>

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<p>Correct. OP’s D should make her decision based on what is in her own best interest, and not feel guilty about wanting to move out.</p>

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<p>“Very probable signs”? All we have is third-hand information that for a couple of weeks, the OP’s daughter observed a girl who doesn’t like to socialize and spends a lot of time at the computer, and sometimes talks out loud to the computer. I spend a lot of time at my computer and sometimes make exclamations when I’m watching videos, and I certainly don’t have autism. My roommate is more social than I am, and I’m glad she didn’t assume that I had Asperger’s just because I don’t like to party on the weekends. People seem to have taken a HUGE leap from “my daughter’s roommate doesn’t like to socialize and spends a lot of time on the Internet” to “OP’s daughter’s roommate is autistic.” Suggesting that the OP’s daughter look up information on autistic spectrum disorders and use those techniques to deal with Elsie is quite frankly very insulting to Elsie, since you’re assuming that her not being a social butterfly is somehow pathological behavior. I see NOTHING in the original post that are the classic signals of Asperger’s that also can’t be construed as “Elsie just doesn’t like people.”</p>

<p>In any case, I’m also not seeing how this is a bad roommate situation. It’s not the most ideal BFF situation that many freshman imagine when they first come to college, but Elsie isn’t harming her or being overly selfish or stopping her from doing the things she likes. With no disrespect to the OP’s daughter, who seems a pretty delightful and well-adjusted young woman, it doesn’t seem like OP’s daughter has talked to Elsie about HER feelings, or at least if she has, OP hasn’t revealed. Being antisocial doesn’t mean Elsie will flip her lid if OP’s D brings friends in the room or opens the blinds. Why doesn’t she just talk to Elsie? “Do you mind if I open the blinds?” “Hey, I’m bringing some friends into the room this afternoon after class.” I’m going to assume that she’s already reached out and attempted to invite Elsie to college events and that Elsie has declined. That doesn’t mean D’s got to stop living the life. She just needs to be proactive because it’s her room, too.</p>

<p>And if she wants to change roommates, she shouldn’t expect Elsie to move out. I was an RA in college and I got complaints like this from the freshman sometimes. Roommate A would say “My roommate won’t do anything! I’m afraid she’s depressed. She just lays around, like, all day and watches TV!” And then I would go talk to Roommate B and keep an eye on them for a while and talk to the hall director, and there was pretty much nothing wrong with them, they would just be less social than the other roommate. Or there would be a situation that Roommate A just wasn’t aware of (in one case, Roommate B did NOT want to be at my college, she had been forced to attend there by her parents and wanted to be somewhere else. She transferred out after her first semester).</p>

<p>If your daughter is concerned about Elsie’s mental health, she should refer the case to her RA and her RA can handle it. Or she can talk to Elsie and then refer her to counseling services. And then live her life as planned.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry, I find this petty and very, very sad.</p>

<p>At graduations and other events, personally I applaud for everyone, no exceptions. Put yourself in the position of this girl and her mother.</p>

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<p>OP said the roommate is sleeping a lot and not really doing anything else other than spending time on the computer. I too wonder, like dbwes, if the roommate has something else wrong with her.</p>

<p>Is the roommate going to class, studying, doing homework?</p>

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<p>According to the OP, the roommate attends classes.</p>

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<p>Oops, I guess I should read more closely…thanks.</p>

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<p>Juillet, you have some good points in your post to consider. Maybe it is not an autistic issue. Not everyone who is introverted or doesn’t like to party has a specific mental disorder. Certainly one should not leap to that conclusion. Everybody views things by their own person experience. </p>

<p>But the reason why people keep bringing up Aspergers is because those who have contact with them can see some glaring similarities to their own children/friends. In the little bit of information the OP has given, I think it is certainly worth 5 minutes of the OP’s daughter’s time to read a tiny bit about it, and from her unique vantage point, see if it makes sense. It is not insulting to wonder if someone has Asperger’s syndrome, that is not a failing of the child or parent. Many, many people have it on some level and knowledge is power. So many years of someone wondering, why am I like this? And they are quite relieved to find out about it, to learn how to deal with it-that is truly freedom.</p>

<p>I agree Anuddah, how very, very sad.</p>

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<p>It’s certainly been interesting to read the range of opinions here, and I thank you all for taking the time to offer advice. A few thoughts in response:</p>

<p>Agreed that D is in no danger whatsoever–but that’s not the standard by which I would judge the acceptability of anyone’s roommate situation. And just because there are worse roommate situations in the world doesn’t mean that D’s is okey-dokey.</p>

<p>Neither D nor I nor anyone on this board has any idea whether Elsie is on the autism spectrum, is depressed, neurotic, or just a garden variety oddball. It’s not incumbent upon D to attempt to diagnose her or educate herself about various syndromes–I think that’s ridiculous. She herself is coping with all the adjustments and challenges of being a college freshman and doesn’t need or want any special projects thrust upon her. (I actually giggled at the suggestion that D should be Elsie’s social director and attempt to corral other like-minded people as Elsie’s friends. If there are any, there all hiding in their rooms with headphones on, so that would be quite a challenging task!) D’s only obligations are to be a considerate and respectful roommate, and she has been. While D chose (key word!) to work with (young) autistic children, she has no experience or facility for dealing with a young adult whose behavior is so far out of the norm, and no desire to be Elsie’s therapist. Keep in mind that Elsie is completely uninterested in my D’s existence–to the extent that I’ve been concerned whether she would even notice if D failed to come home one night or was deathly ill in her bed. </p>

<p>Some have chided D (and me) for being intolerant of someone who is merely not a “social butterfly” or is insufficiently “fun”. If that’s how you see this, then I’ve failed at conveying the situation. This is a girl who has no social contact with anyone, ever (and says she doesn’t want any)–doesn’t even exchange minor social pleasantries with my D, who never leaves the room except for classes and meals, returning immediately afterwards, who is always on the computer–not a gamer, just surfing websites—with headphones on, even when alone, who at random intervals talks to herself (loudly), who has no interest whatsoever in anything that occurs in the room, the dorm building, or the campus as a whole, who is indifferent to her own appearance and the appearance of her surroundings. If any of those who feel my daughter has little to complain about, I invite you to move to a new city where you don’t know anyone and start a brand new job that’s not like anything you’ve done before—all while sharing a very small room with an Elsie!</p>

<p>I’ll also mention that D went to overnight camp all summer from the ages of 9 to 16. She had all kinds of living situations and bunkmates and managed to adjust to them all without difficulty. She is tolerant and flexible.</p>

<p>Of course D spends as little time as possible in her room and has her own life at school, socially and academically. But she can’t spend ALL her time elsewhere, and she understandably would like her room to be a reasonably comfortable haven and be able to reciprocate when others invite her to their dorms. (Trust me, no one wants to go in her room now.) So she will look to transfer out, hope for the best, and, I trust, someday look back at all this and laugh.</p>

<p>Thank you again for your thoughts and good wishes.</p>

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<p>Definitely sounds like you’ve come upon the best situation, for your daughter to is move out. God forbid she have to spend a couple of minutes making the effort to find a way to actually connect with a person who is different. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, depending upon the path that her life goes, she may have to closely deal with difficult people in the future. It is extraordinary how far an inkling of compassion, creativity and selflessness will take you.</p>

<p>I must apologize for misreading your initial post. Myself and some others on this thread thought that you were trying to find a way for your daughter to deal with Elsie. Upon rereading it, I have realized that you were merely trying to figure out a way to kick Elsie out.</p>