<p>“God forbid she have to spend a couple of minutes making the effort to find a way to actually connect with a person who is different.”</p>
<p>It seems the OPs D has tried for a couple months and gotten nothing back. Your post is over the top. I think the OPs last post is on the money. Good luck.</p>
<p>Has the OP’s daughter actually tried to lay out a plan with the roommate? (ie: I need to study in my room from this time to this time, so the room cannot be dark; can my friends come over from this time to this time?, etc.) Maybe I missed that somewhere too in my reading.</p>
<p>Did the RA end up talking to the roommate like he said he would?</p>
<p>I empathize and understand completely where you’re coming from. My daughter is a senior and had two different “awkward” roommate situations. In both situations, it basically just made her feel very lonely, even though she had lots of friends. At the end of the day, everyone eventually goes back to their room. Having a roommate that you enjoy can be a wonderful bonding experience that leads to a lifetime friendship. Having the opposite can be a frustrating and lonely experience for young girls that age. In both cases, my daughter made the best of it until the next opportunity for room assignments came up. She didn’t complain much about it but had the occasional meltdown as it sounds like your daughter did. As a mom, it breaks your heart to see them in a situation like this that you can’t fix.</p>
<p>On the brightside, my daughter has now had the same roommate for the past two years and they are BFF kind of roommates. So stay strong, hopefully there’s a more compatible roomie in your daughter’s near future.</p>
<p>By the way, I agree with you that it’s not your daughter’s responsibility to be anything other than kind to Elsie. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible and she shouldn’t be charged with trying to assess this girl’s issues and “fixing” them.</p>
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<p>Think how Elsie’s mom must feel.</p>
<p>It sounds like D’s problems with Elsie are: (1) Elsie is asocial; (2) Elsie stays in her room; (3) D doesn’t like Elsie’s choice of decor; (4) Elsie doesn’t open the blinds or turn on the lights; (5) Elsie sometimes talks to herself.</p>
<p>(4) and (5) are reasonable gripes, but we haven’t heard that D has tried to deal with them by trying to come up with some room rules. (1) and (2) are not reasonable gripes. It’s Elsie’s room too, and she should be able to be there when she wants to. It’s too bad she doesn’t talk to D, but roommates don’t have to speak. (3) is petty.</p>
<p>All kids would love to end up with a BFF for a roommate but few do. I can also empethize with the OP and her DD, our kids had their share of trying freshmen roommates too.</p>
<p>What I don’t get is why the DD has let this stop her from bringing friends to the room. To me, that might be the answer and might also end up helping Elsie. She clearly has issues, but DD needs to not worry about how that side of the room looks, open the blinds and bring life into the room. Elsie can leave or join in.</p>
<p>We’ve heard a lot of how to “foist” Elsie on some other unsuspecting sap. We’ve heard a lot of labels. We’ve heard a lot of sympathy for the OP’s daughter. We’ve heard very little reason, or good old-fashioned kindness. Elsie isn’t a drug addict, isn’t a sex addict, isn’t a thief, isn’t a slob, isn’t an idiot, isn’t a serial killer. As far as I can tell, she doesn’t even have B.O.</p>
<p>I’m appalled at this entire thread. I hope somewhere, at some point, on CC, there’s a five-page thread about OP’s daughter, started by Elsie’s mom. And it will speak through Elsie’s mom’s voice, about OP’s daughter who never does laundry, has loud and obnoxious friends, picks her nose, picks her feet, puts mayonaisse on her scrambled eggs, and sneezes food on the walls. Yeah, OP’s daughter has tried to be friendly, but Elsie is totally disgusted by roommate’s personal hygiene, and can’t wait till OP’s daughter moves out.</p>
<p>OP and others, I hope you realize I’m not saying OP’s daughter is actually like this. I only hope you realize that you can’t see through Elsie’s mind, and there are three sides to every story.</p>
<p>I’m just appalled at this entire thread.</p>
<p>From post #1 - OP’s daughter - “She is given to modest anxiety and depression herself–adequately medicated for these, but I know she would thrive far better and be generally much happier living in a more positive environment.”</p>
<p>Considering this, I would think that supporting your D to find a new living situation is very important or you can support her to find a way to accept the situation but in a positive way. If she can’t/won’t make a move and a new roommate then helping support her to make some improvements will model how to handle difficult situations in the future. I imagine that just having the curtains open would help.</p>
<p>I sympathize, and really wish you and your D a good resolution but though I am sure it is just venting on your part, I do wish your posts showed a bit more compassion for ‘Elsie.’ I have been bothered all day by some of your word choices such as ‘creepy’ - my heart does go out to Elsie and her mom/family. I’m sure yours does too but it doesn’t come across in your posts, though again this probably is your protectiveness and frustration that your D has to deal with this situation.</p>
<p>BTW - way back to bethievt - by ‘diagnose’ I did not mean diagnose. I wasn’t advising D to make a professional diagnosis but to assess the situation. Sorry for the confusion.</p>
<p>I personally think it is a mistake to expect a college roommate to be a social friend. I view it more as a business relationship. Two people have to share a tiny living space and work out some mutually acceptable rules on living arrangements.</p>
<p>Unless both parties are in agreement, I would consider it much more of an imposition for one roommate to expect to have groups of friends regularly present in such a confined space. Such group activities should take place in other common areas of the dorm or elsewhere on campus.</p>
<p>I can’t figure out what Elsie does that is “offensive” except occasionally speaking to her computer screen (and how would that be different than listening to her talk on a cell phone?), or perhaps shutting the drapes. Surely the drapes can be negotiated.</p>
<p>Unless there is more to this than I have read, I don’t see anything wrong with Elsie as a roommate. Why can’t the OP’s daughter ignore Elsie, just as Elsie is apparently ignoring the OP’s daughter. However, I agree the OP’s daughter should try to move if she is so miserably unhappy.</p>
<p>SimpleRules: I liked both your posts on this thread. Very balanced and compassionate.</p>
<p>OP: I think your D is following the right path, and I wish her good luck.</p>
<p>I did not mean for my comments to appear insensitive to the needs or feelings of the roommate Elise and I apologize if that’s the way it sounded. If I were her mother, my heart would be breaking for her situation and social struggles as well. My comments only addressed OP’s DD because that’s the situation my daughter was in.</p>
<p>Many times roommates that are randomly placed together (“potluck” as the kids here call it) find themselves in a situation that feels uncomfortable to them…not necessarily the fault of either but just different personality types. While “creepy” is not a good choice of words, it’s a word that many college kids use for situations where they are uncomfortable. I don’t think it was meant literally.</p>
<p>When my daughter was in awkward roommate situations, she didn’t invite friends to her room either unless she knew her roomie had gone home for the weekend or would be out. It was as much out of not wanting to make her roommate feel any more awkward or uncomfortable or inconvenienced as it was anything to do with her own feelings. As when the OP talked about the feeling of walking on eggshells, meaning uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I’m guessing, but maybe the situation is especially bad because of the OP’s DD’s own issues with depression. It sounds like mom and daughter were hoping she would land in an upbeat environment that would have made her own transition to college easier. This is understandable. </p>
<p>While she has no guarantee of finding something that works better for her, I think the DD is well within reason to ask for a new roommate–not to engineer Elsie out–but to try to find a situation that works better for her.</p>
<p>I doubt my heart would break if this were my child. I’d be grateful the roommate was not having sleepover friends, drinking to excess, smoking pot in the room etc. The OPs D can move if it’s really awful. Happens all the time at colleges all over the country. It’s been forever since I was in college but if I remember freshman dorm life there were rooms that were hangout rooms and rooms that weren’t. I’m assuming the OPs daughter can head to her friends’ rooms for socializing. Now, the curtain and lights thing, the OPs daughter can be more assertive about that during the day I think until she’s able to switch rooms. Although come to think about it my husband and I are always fighting about lights and curtains. I like lots of light and open curtains. He prefers dim and curtains closed. I open them, he closes them. I turn the lights on he turns the lights off…and so it’s gone for 23 years. It’s not really a “tragic” situation. But to bring it home, it’s up to the OP’s D to make the move, trying to figure out how to move the roommate out is not the way to go.</p>
<p>I very much sympathize with the OP. Our DD had a very similar roommate situation and it was very hard for her. DD isn’t the type to make waves. So she just let the whole thing go all year. BUT I did hear her voice every time the roommate situation came up. DD wished she had a friend to talk to…while cleaning the room or just getting ready for classes. Even though there were plenty of nice kids and friends on her floor, she was lonely when she was in her own room…and didn’t really want to be.</p>
<p>Luckily, she found activities to do and a routine that gave her minimal contact with the roommate. AND the next year she lived with a great gal…not best friends but nice roommates. </p>
<p>It was particularly hard for us as DD was in college 3000 miles away. It wasn’t like she could come home for a weekend…or we could go there and take her out. She was REALLY on her own.</p>
<p>OP…listen and be supportive. That’s what we did…and it really was ALL we could do. We encouraged our kiddo to move elsewhere, but she just didn’t want to. She dealt with the situation. Would she have been happier her freshman year with a better roommate…oh yes. BUT she didn’t let it define her college years…and made the most of the OTHER aspects of her college experience.</p>
<p>I have a son just like Elsie: asocial, likes to sit in dark rooms staring at the computer. In his first year of college, just went out of his room to go to the bathroom, classes, library to get video movies to play on his computer, and ate his meals alone. </p>
<p>I know he was a terrible roommate, and I had several conversations w/ his roomie that year to brainstorm ways to make it better. It was a terrible year. He was too far away. He is now in his senior year at a small LAC near us, and dorming again after two years of commuting, in a single. He’s finally coming out of his shell.</p>
<p>Good luck to OP’s DD. It isn’t an easy situation.</p>
<p>I think the hard part as a parent is that I only heard DD talk about roommate issues when she was in meltdown mode, usually brought on by other stresses or exams or lack of sleep. When you’re not nearby and you hear their voice on the phone frustrated and upset and then you hang up. You’re away so you can’t see that they’re fine two hours later at dinner with friends. Maybe this is particularly so with girls.</p>
<p>Not so different from dropping them at daycare when they’re little, having them cry as you leave, only to hear that they calmed down right away after you left. Parental separation anxiety of a sort I guess!</p>
<p>I think we’ve reached the point of diminishing returns here, so I’ll make this my last post and finish by clarifying a few things. </p>
<p>First, I recognize that in the scheme of things, this whole situation is small potatoes and that lots of freshmen have roommate troubles. I also know that D will survive and find a better housing situation in coming years. But I don’t think only the most dire crises are suitable for discussion on this board, and I’m surprised that anyone who thinks the subject is too trivial would bother to post at all. I was just looking for some general advice and a take on D’s recent proposal, which struck me as ill-advised. (Everyone seems to agree that my reaction was the correct one, and I told D her scheme to “pass the lemon” was not the way to go.) Some have offered sympathy and good wishes, others have posted good recommendations and have shared similar stories, which are helpful in putting things in perspective. A few have been terribly judgmental and snotty–I guess that goes with the territory.</p>
<p>Trust me, if you’ve ever been an 18 year old girl, you know that my D’s room is a place her friends want to avoid–it’s just unpleasant–and yes, creepy!–to be in the presence of someone who doesn’t acknowledge anyone else’s existence and is glued to a desk chair for hours and hours. It’s just an abnormal, uncomfortable environment. If my D wants to be there as little as possible, why would she want to invite others? When I visited D for Parents Weekend, I just wanted to get out of the room as soon as I could. The awkwardness was just palpable. My comment about the lack of personal touches and decor on Elsie’s side of the room was not a supercilious comment on Elsie’s personal taste–it was just an attempt to show how her presence impacts even the physical environment. Of course D can open the curtains, and does–but the fact that she inevitably comes in to find Elsie sitting at her computer in the gloom is one more bummer. Most people benefit from occasional privacy and a home base that’s relaxed and comfortable. D has neither. </p>
<p>Even if one views the roommate relationship as a business transaction, which I think is a useful approach, D’s situation doesn’t qualify as a healthy business relationship. I wasn’t friends with my college roommate, but we chatted a bit when we were in the room together, even shared some laughs, and she wasn’t always and forever THERE. It’s not that D is disappointed that she didn’t find her BFF; she’s disappointed and unhappy that her room is an unpleasant place and a constant downer. I know that’s not a matter of life and death–but it’s a shame.</p>
<p>It would actually be easier if D’s roommate were drinking to excess, having boys in the room overnight, etc. Those issues are common, easily explained, and easily addressed by RA’s and Housing officials. This is different. Fortunately, D’s RA appreciates the situation and hopefully can be an ally and get her some priority in finding alternative arangements. (He did speak to Elsie last week and explained that D was entitled to some privacy and it was not appropriate or considerate to spend every minute in the room. She then did go to the library to study one night, but not for long, and D doubts she’ll do it again. We’ll see.)</p>
<p>As for Elsie’s well being, D has no plans to further attempt to befriend her, nor does she feel it appropriate to report her to counseling or health services. The girl seems to be perfectly content with her lifestyle–perhaps it’s just a facade, but how can anyone delve beneath it? I personally think Elsie, in taking a double room, took on an obligation to behave in a reasonably conventional and congenial manner. If that’s not within her capabilities, she should be in a single. If she has no appreciation of how her behavior affects her roommate, then certainly her parents should have realized what would transpire and made other arrangements for her. I do feel compassion for anyone whose life is so circumscribed, but there’s not a thing I or D can do for this girl–and my D’s well being has to be my first priority.</p>
<p>Good night, and a happy and healthy Thanksgiving holiday to all.</p>
<p>OP - its too bad some folks here have taken pot shots at you.</p>
<p>To me the bottom line is this - if your D doesn’t like her roommate (who cares what teh reason is) there is nothing that says she has to stick it out and have a bad year because of it. Everyone has the choice to request to move to a different room and that is what your D should do. Whether she will like her new roommate any better no one knows - but why be miserable for a year? Request the transfer and hope for the best</p>
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<p>Point of diminishing returns, indeed.</p>
<p>My daughter has a roommate with similar tendencies.</p>
<p>Just a quick question, and I know you are done with this thread and may not even see this:</p>
<p>You mentioned that your daughter has depression and anxiety herself, and is medicated. Is she registered with the disabilities office, or has she had contact with any therapist or counselor in the college itself?</p>
<p>I think that a room or roommate change would only be a justifiable request if based on your daughter’s own anxiety and depression. She would have to provide documentation of this, of course, and have an MD or other professional write about her need for a single.</p>
<p>That might be the best solution.</p>