<p>I think those taking shots at the OP must be very lucky to never have encountered people who are so difficult that nothing you try seems to help. You can try being nice, compassionate, patient, etc., but sometimes it just doesn’t work. And an 18-year-old college freshman with issues of her own can only be expected to go so far in trying to resolve a situation like this. Along with (I think) everybody else, I agree that trying to foist this roommate off onto somebody else isn’t right, but the desire to get out of the situation seems perfectly reasonable to me.</p>
<p>Chinchilla…I understand exactly where you are coming from. My D had a first year roommate who also had issues and essentially controlled the dorm room environment all the time. D never had a safe haven that entire year. In retrospect, she should have tried to change rooms but she didn’t want to be a quitter. This roommate should have been in a single. Knowing what I know now, I would have encouraged her more actively to seek a change of environment for her own personal security. The extra amount of stress it caused was definitely not worth it. </p>
<p>Sometimes the “potluck” roommate situation really is a disaster and not simply a life-lesson in learning how to get along with others. You are wise to trust your gut.</p>
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DEATH THREATS?!</p>
<p>I’m surprised that Don was allowed to remain at school. Public school students can and have been expelled for less.</p>
<p>My niece had a roomie similar to OP’s her first semester. The girl was totally withdrawn to the point of seeming hostile.</p>
<p>Eventually my niece decided to write her roomie an email along the lines of</p>
<p>'I know you are not comfortable talking so I thought we would email instead. I know you don’t mean to make me feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in our room but that is how I feel.
Just as you have the right to keep the room dark and have your privacy, I also have a right to see some sunlight in here and have my friends over to study with me or watch a movie. So for now on we will rotate days where we each have priority in our room. Today is your day. Tomorrow is my day; I have already invited my study group here to practice our Russian skit. After we are done we plan to order pizza and of course you can join in with us.
If you have any ideas about this, or about how we can get along better, please tell me."</p>
<p>My niece had already told her study group about her problem and they were on board with her and knew what to expect when they came to the room. She enlisted her friends to come to her room on her days so that she could establish a pattern and so the roomie would understand that she meant to use the room too.</p>
<p>Things did improve somewhat after my niece wrote the letter. She felt better–less passive/aggressive about the situation, and she had clearly spelled out her needs and feelings to the roomie, who, due to her appartently limited social skills, might not have actually understood how she was affecting my niece. The roomie may or may not have been Aspie; but either way, both girls had equal rights to enjoyment of the room.</p>
<p>boysx3 – That is exactly the kind of action I was envisioning for the OP’s D to try.</p>
<p>Wow - hats off to your niece boysx3 - what a great way to handle this type of situation! She did a wonderful job of taking action, solving a problem, communicating, and setting respectful boundaries - I hope OP ‘comes back’ and reads your post - this could really help her daughter and ‘Elsie’ might be helped by this too.</p>
<p>I really like how she had already planned out how she was going to approach it and let the roommate know exactly what was going to happen.</p>
<p>What a smart niece you have, boysx3! Saw the problem and found a way to work with it. But I don’t think the OP is going to be helped by anything we say further, though. I think many of us misunderstood her post and thought she was trying to help her daughter and Elsie get along. She is not. She was only trying to figure out if it would be acceptable to kick Elsie out (her daughter’s solution) or if her daughter needed to relocate. Not passing judgement on that, we’re all just trying to do what’s best for our own children. But people’s personal stories and suggestions about how to get along are not what the OP was soliciting.</p>
<p>On the other hand, the great thing about CC is that so many people might be reading this, that others can find this of great use. There have been so many helpful stories and suggestions on here already!</p>
<p>I think my sister might have been nudging my niece along with little suggestions like “you can’t assume roomie is reading your mind”…and…“if you feel you can’t talk to her then write her a letter.”</p>
<p>I also wonder how roomie felt about it? Apparently she never replied to my niece who from that point on just did her own thing, opening the curtains, turning on lights, leaving the door open, inviting people in…every other day.</p>
<p>When I said things improved somewhat, i don’t mean to imply that things were ever good.</p>
<p>Roomie never wrote my niece a note, and never spoke to her either. At all. Ever. She never let on how she felt about my niece’s letter to her.</p>
<p>I think my niece eventually realized that a normal roommate relationship, or even basic communication, was not going to happen. She just decided that she was going to coexist with roomie…and that her existence in the room entitled her to use it too—and that if roomie wanted to, she too could write a letter, since she already spent all her time at her desk on her computer.</p>
<p>Wow, thats a tough one. What other suggestions has the RA made, if any (and anything I missed by not reading the whole thread yet, which I will - so excuse my question if its already been answered)…
I am now curious to read the responses etc. I hope this works out for your daughter…I would be working to help resolve this as you are and quickly !
good luck xoxo</p>
<p>What I’m wondering, both in the case of boysx3 and Elsie, is whether the withdrawn roommate even cared if her roommate opened up the curtains, turned on the lights and brought in people. The OP said that Elsie sat at her computer screen and didn’t bother to open up the curtains, but then she also said that when her daughter came in the room, the daughter would open the curtains. Did these roommates (Elsie, and boysx3’s niece’s roommate) then rush over and close the curtains again? If not, what is the problem? How hard is it to open curtains if you want them open and the other person doesn’t care?</p>
<p>And in boysx3’s niece’s case, she began inviting people to her room on alternate days. Did this seem to be a problem with the roommate? Had she tried this before and had problems?</p>
<p>Although I haven’t read through all the posts, just want to comment here that the OP’s daughter is getting to experience one of life’s lessons. We will all have to deal with difficult people in our life. Learning to deal with difficult roommates is preparation for learning to deal with difficult bosses, coworkers, in-laws. All of our experiences shape us into the people we are. The OPs daughter may someday draw from this experience in facing life’s challenges. However things work out, hoping for the best for both girls.</p>
<p>Such a sad thread. I wish I hadn’t read it. My son is an Aspie…I don’t think he behaves like Elsie. But I do know that he is very lonely and spends a lot more time alone than he would like. He says he sees folks on his floor having conversations and would love to join but just doesn’t know how. His rooommate is leaving the school at the end of the semester - I sure hope it isn’t because of him!</p>
<p>Wow, boysx3, what a great, creativite solution. Well, maybe not “solution”, since the roommate was still withdrawn and uncommunicative, but a great way to handle it, anyway.</p>
<p>IMO the difference between D’s situation and situations where you deal with difficult people later in life is that D literally has to live with this person. I’ve dealt with unpleasant people at work, both customers and coworkers. But when I got home, I could relax and recover. For most of us, “home” is not just a physical place, but also a mental space. When you can’t be comfortable in the place you live, that’s stressful. As much fun as it may be hanging out with friends “out there”, most people want a place to unwind. </p>
<p>That’s why I think the more “traditional” bad roommate–the drunk who vomits in the hall every weekend–would be somewhat easier to deal with . . . at least when they aren’t drunk/high/whatever you can talk to them. Even if you aren’t BFF with them, even if you aren’t FRIENDS with them, you can apply that social lubricant that keeps the wheels oiled. “Hey, how’s it going?” "Do you know anyone who’s taken English from Dr. Smith? Is he tough? “Got a test coming up? Me too.” “Can you believe how much snow we’re getting?” These are not important topics, but they serve an important function. Maybe they make it easier to talk about the problems, too. I can understand how a completely silent roommate who never acknowledges your existence could leave an impression of hostility. Whether the roommate really IS hostile or not, the feeling is there and D has to deal with that feeling every. single. day.</p>
<p>I had no idea that not having decorative pillows, stuffed animals, or knick-knacks in a college dorm room was a sign of “oddness.” </p>
<p>The things I learn here!</p>
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<p>What you’ve got to realize is that for a person on the austim spectrum, *what you said times ten. *Son has a limited tolerance for people…in HS he could be social all day, then he’d come home and want - need! -to be alone in his room for a while. At the end of the day he’d need to monologue. Not having a safe alone space is extremely stressful for him.</p>
<p>Maybe some folks really should have singles. But then that leads to even increased social isolation.</p>
<p>I think as a parent I would probably encourage my daughter to be as kind and accepting of the roommates obvious aspie behavior. I am sure the roommate might also enjoy seeing your daughters friends come into the room even if she may not appear to engage much. In the real world there will be adults with this behavior that your daughter will need to work with or have as neighbors. They are people with a social problem not to be confused with mental illness or should I say mental illness that is a danger to others. Everybody responds to genuine kindness and warmth. It may not be in the way your daughter is accustomed but the kindness she puts out will come back to her in a wonderful way. In May your daughter will have learned something so valuable.</p>
<p>I think that a lot of people seem to have a complete lack of empathy or imagination and an excess of judgement. The OP’s D has HER OWN issues, for which she is medicated. She’s a kid herself! Yet some sanctimonious people expect her to act like an adult social worker, or assume saintly virtue and simply “rise above” this situation. That’s as ridiculous as suggesting that Elsie simply rise above HER issues. Have any of you who judge the OP’s D ever suffered from depression? Do you have any idea that this isn’t just some little mood that one can “snap out of” with the application of a little will power?</p>
<p>Can you imagine returning to your room and EVERY time finding your roommate sitting in the dark with headphones on, surfing the internet and loudly talking to herself? Completely ignoring your existence? It’s not a matter of just not having stuffed animals!</p>
<p>I feel for “Elsie’s” parents, who probably sent their child off to college knowing that this kind of situation would be all too likely, and hoping against hope that their D would not retreat into her shell in response to the stimuli of college and dorm life.</p>
<p>I also feel for the OP and her D, who is ALSO a vulnerable 18-yr-old trying to make her way in a new and challenging environment. The fact that a girl who has volunteered to work with autistic children in the past is sufficiently stressed to start trying to figure out ways to move Elsie or herself out ought to give people some idea how unpleasant and dire the situation is.</p>
<p>I think that the OP’s d should do whatever she can to move out of the room next semester. Every semester, rooms open up as students graduate, drop-out and leave for internships and study abroad opportunities. If the OP’s D talks to housing and, if necessary the dean of students, she should be able to get other accommodations for next semester.</p>
<p>From what the OP has described, the situation with the roommate isn’t something that the D can improve, so it would be best for her to move on as almost anything else would be preferable. It wouldn’t be fair to ask or expect the roommate to move, but it would be fine for the OP to move.</p>
<p>Missypie, your post makes me so sad I wish I’d never read this thread either. I can only hope that both of our kids are accepted and received with kindness, and that things are better than we think. I still hold out hope that though the OP’s daughter is not interested in trying to deal with Elsie any longer, that other parents can read this and pass on ways to their children, of how to respond to their roomates a little better.</p>
<p>You are so right, momma-three, everybody responds to genuine kindness and warmth, though not always in the way one might expect.</p>
<p>A roommate who doesn’t talk, and who spends all of her nonclassroom/dining time in her room surfing the Net while having headphones on is not just “introverted,” such a student is demonstrating a lack of interest in any kind of social activities. </p>
<p>The OP’s D seems to have been probably the best roommate that the girl could have had. There’s no evidence that the D has been unkind to the roommate. There’s every evidence that the D would prefer – as would most people – to have a roommate that at least does basic social courtesies, not one that seems to be totally out of touch with and disinterested in other people, and whose presence creates an unwelcoming environment for oneself and one’s friends.</p>
<p>Based on how the roommate has been described, the roommate’s idea of being treated kindly may be being left completely alone. There’s absolutely no indication that the roommate wishes to have social interaction with anyone. Some people really are like that. In some cultures, such people become monastics and spend their lives meditating in caves.</p>