<p>Northstarmom, it is quite possible that Elsie would love to have a single. It may be all the human interaction she can handle every day just to leave the room to go to classes and meals. The headphones and a computer are a way to tune everything out. That may be the way she is keeping herself sane. That doesn’t make her a bad girl…just a girl who needs way more private time than a shared room situation allows.</p>
<p>For years I’ve said that I can’t imagine my son having or *being *a roommate. But he expressly didn’t want a single, because he knew that if he had one, he’d be totally isolated. (Now that his roommate is leaving and he knows a few people, he’s hoping to fly under the radar and not get a new roommate.)</p>
<p>I think the ideal situation for lots of kids is where 4 students each have their own bedroom but share a bathroom and common area. But that type of situation is not available at many schools, and often not for freshmen.</p>
<p>It increasingly strikes me that to place a person with this level of social disability in a dorm where they are forced to share a room with another person is almost the equivalent of placing a student who uses a wheelchair in a dorm without an elevator.</p>
<p>It sounds as if this student is quite disabled. She should have a single in a suite or a single, plus appropriate support from the RA or head of house–whose job it is to help students with communal living–and possibly the college health services and/or office of disability.</p>
<p>No way should she be pitchforked into this situation, and no way should her needs be imposed on another student. It’s not fair to either of them.</p>
<p>“Northstarmom, it is quite possible that Elsie would love to have a single. It may be all the human interaction she can handle every day just to leave the room to go to classes and meals. The headphones and a computer are a way to tune everything out. That may be the way she is keeping herself sane. That doesn’t make her a bad girl…just a girl who needs way more private time than a shared room situation allows.”</p>
<p>I agree with you. I don’t see her as a bad person. I do see her as someone who – for her own and others’ benefit – should have a single.</p>
<p>Similarly, I don’t view her roommate as being bad for wanting to have a more normal roommate.</p>
<p>You’re probably right, Northstarmom, the D has probably done everything absolutely perfectly and the fault is completely that of the roomate. It couldn’t possibly be that as parents we always stick up for our children and assume that their side of the story is completely the correct one, never another side of the story when it comes to our own children. I am no different, but I do realize it.</p>
<p>I’m sure there are lots of teenage girls that would only like to be left in total isolation, all the time. That is probably exactly what Elsie wants, so everyone should just completely leave her alone. Though, of course, her long phone calls to home and internet interactions might be interpreted as a sign of desiring social contact. And if she or another child decides to completely cut themselves off from all interaction, stay in their rooms for long periods of time, and even slit their wrists then why should the RA’s or another student even bother to intervene?</p>
<p>There’s always that possibility that Elsie’s family could not afford the extra cost for a single room and she is just as displeased to have inflicted herself upon OP’s D as D is. That’s kind of how I feel about my present rooming situation. My roommate is dissatisfied with me because I am not the bubbly I-was-a-cheerleader-in-high-school type. Oh well.</p>
<p>"“You’re probably right, Northstarmom, the D has probably done everything absolutely perfectly and the fault is completely that of the roomate. It couldn’t possibly be that as parents we always stick up for our children and assume that their side of the story is completely the correct one, never another side of the story when it comes to our own children. I am no different, but I do realize it.”</p>
<p>All we can go on here is what the OP says she has heard of from her daughter and witnessed.</p>
<p>I have met people whose behavior was like that of the roommate as described by the OP. There even was someone in the class ahead of me in college who was like that. In fact, many people with Asperger’s syndrome are like that. If the OP’s D has such a roommate, IMO, the roommate is lucky to be rooming with a person who seems kind, not the type of person who would deliberately make fun of the roommate or try to be so obnoxious as to drive out the roommate. </p>
<p>It may be that her roommate desires social contact, but doesn’t know how to act in any way that would attract normal people. The kind of social contact the roommate may want may also be of a kind that most normal people wouldn’t be able to respond to and if so, it’s unrealistic to expect that somehow the D’s daughter would be able to respond in a helpful way. People with such severe social skills deficits need help from professionals. </p>
<p>For instance, there is at least one student --who possibly has Asperger’s syndrome – who repeatedly ■■■■■■ the College Life board here complaining about how other people condescend to him and don’t befriend him. People – including me-- have given him lots of thoughtful advice, which he has always rejected. He repeatedly keeps making the same complaints.</p>
<p>There is absolutely no indication that the roommate is looking for help. Talking to herself while wearing headphones and surfing the Internet doesn’t make her seem as if she’d like to establish a relationship with her roommate. What exactly would you have the roommate do to reach out to her? What would you do or want your children to do if they had such a roommate?</p>
<p>There also is no indication that the girl is suicidal or any kind of danger to herself or others… She’s eating and going to class. She’s not sobbing alone in her room. There really are people whose ways of being in the world differ from the ways that most people interact. The RA isn’t responsible for forcing the roommate to change to act more like other people.</p>
Those were during the event (a senior trip), within a few weeks before graduation. You can imagine what it would have been like to spend even one night in the pitch dark with this kid in the room! I was shocked too, when I heard about it after the fact. I don’t know whether the chaperones knew about it, as the targeted students laughed it off as “just Don being Don.” The school administration took his earlier self-mutilation threats seriously, so I tend to think they’d take death threats seriously too if they knew about them at the time.</p>
<p>The threats themselves were made in the tone of his other oddball statements, something to the effect of: “You [addressing a classmate directly] have told untruths; therefore, you are a liar and it is my duty to kill you.”</p>
<p>Bear in mind that I don’t know what was in Don’s IEP or any details of his diagnosis; aside from the family’s disclosure of Asperger’s, I only know of behaviors I observed or heard of. I suppose there could be any number of extenuating circumstances I never knew.</p>
<p>Av8r, you’re probably right to caution me against generalizing from Don to all Aspies. I do tend to associate Asperger’s syndrome with his behavior, which may not be fair, and with the expectation that everyone around him must accept, adapt to, and work around what would never be tolerated on someone else’s part. I bristle at any remarks that imply that someone like chinchilla-gal has a moral obligation to put herself out to accommodate a roommate she didn’t choose whose everyday behavior causes her stress to the point of tears. If a health problem factors into the behavior, of course it’s more understandable – and compassion is the twin sister of understanding. But in my book, that doesn’t make it wrong for chinchilla-gal to want out. Roommates change up for all sorts of reasons. Why not this one?</p>
<p>Kick Elsie out – no, of course not. Look for opportunities to move herself – absolutely, guilt-free. Try to draw Elsie out into friendly activities with others – if she chooses. I’m not going to judge her either way.</p>
<p>"There’s always that possibility that Elsie’s family could not afford the extra cost for a single room and she is just as displeased to have inflicted herself upon OP’s D as D is. "</p>
<p>I think it’s even more likely that the roommate finds normal social interaction to be painfully difficult to tolerate, and is displeased to have to room with another person. Seems it would have been best for all if the roommate had been given a single in order to accommodate her apparent disability.</p>
<p>Assuming that she has something like Asperger’s, I’m wondering whether she or her parents notified the school about this. It seems if she has a disability, and the school knew about it, they would have had to accommodate her, which may have meant giving her a single.</p>
<p>it may be, however, that her parents unrealistically were hoping that by rooming with a presumably normal person, their daughter would learn social skills and begin to act in a way that would have allowed her to fit in more with normal society.</p>
<p>I think that’s exactly what I just said, with the addition of the idea that maybe that didn’t happen for financial reasons. I don’t know about other universities but here we don’t just give out singles to anybody who feels they’d be better suited for one, you have to pay extra for one and hope one is available for you. If she had a diagnosed disability she may have been able to have that arranged for her, but likely not at the price of a double, and you are assuming she has a disability. I found out after I got here that I am not remotely suited for living in a double, I am pretty sure my roommate resents me for not being what she wanted, but we cannot afford to change it.</p>
Burdening a clinically depressed 18-year-old girl with the notion that changing rooms might cause her roommate to commit suicide is completely out of line.</p>
<p>Twistedx, I think that with a documented disablity, a person could probably move to the head of the line for a single, but you’re right that there’s probably not a price break. There might be a government program that would cover the cost but that might be a stretch.</p>
<p>I had forgotten the part about the long conversations with family. I do think Elsie is very lonely. It makes me sad. I don’t think Son’s roommate has eaten a meal with him since orientation. son does have other people to eat with but it makes him sad that’s he’s never ever included in any of the roommate’s plans. He’s said he’d feel like he was imposing if he asked to go along to dinner with his roomie. I wonder if the OP ever says to her roommate, “Let’s go down and eat.” (Sorry if I’ve forgotten some of the facts.)</p>
<p>geek_mom, I was not implying that if the girl changed rooms, her roomate would consider suicide. I was making a general sarcastic comment about why not leave everyone alone? That’s the problem with these posts, it can be hard to interpret the intention of what someone is trying to say, and often I don’t write it how I intend to. </p>
<p>The misunderstanding on this thread (and no doubt the reason why there were negative posts) is that people thought the OP was trying to solicit help on how to deal with the roomate, and when the OP was disinterested, it came across as callous. The fact is that the OP just wanted validation of what she knew was the right thing to do, her daughter will change rooms and not kick Elsie out. I’m sure she wished she would have given less details-and just said that the D couldn’t live with the roomate, how should she get out of the situation. I was one of many who misunderstood, and did not mean to put the OP down in any way. She is just looking out for her daughter.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, I think I know who you are talking about, maybe. I don’t think he has Aspergers, I think he has a persecution complex and a major chip on his shoulder.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why the RA hasn’t done anything more than simply talk to the roommate.</p>
<p>I don’t know anything about dorms, since I stayed home for all of college (wasn’t that far from home; saved money to commute), but would there even be another room available now for the daughter to move to, or are all of the rooms typically filled until the semester ends and people graduate or leave college?</p>
<p>Whether or not, people with Aspergers do have different personalities, just like everyone else. I know a woman professionally whose adult Aspie son is very negative…the aunts and uncles even dread being around him. Fortunately, he is able to live at home and work pretty much on his own in the family business. The guy is 8 years older than my own son, and when I’d hear accounts of his behavior a while back I’d worry, thinking that my son would eventually behave the same way. But my guy is a sweetie…perhaps not the ideal roommate, but not at all negatie or threatening.</p>
<p>Yes, I know you are right about that missypie. I tend to generalize based upon my own experiences-every kid I have ever known who I’ve thought was an aspie was very kind, without a mean bone in their body. Though I’m sure there are many in every possible personality type. Hearing about your friend’s child and Don, makes me think of some really awful cases. This particular kid NSM was talking about though, if I’m thinking of the same one, doesn’t sound like an aspie for many other reasons.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t make such an assumption for Elsie, whether she’s on the spectrum or not, and I certainly wouldn’t appreciate someone’s making such an assumption for my S, who is definitely on the spectrum.</p>
<p>The reason I am assuming that is that it seems that “Elsie” isn’t spending time attempting to socialize, and during her time in her room, she has headphones on and is on the Internet. By how the OP is describing her, Elsie seems to be trying to shut out the outside world while she’s in her room. The OP hasn’t described someone who, for instance, invites herself into conversations or activities with the D’s friends. There are people who lack social skills who intrude into private conversations and activities, but the OP’s D’s roommate doesn’t seem like this.</p>
<p>@Av8r in post 112: Thanks for elaborating, and apologies for misunderstanding you. I think there may have been a lot of misunderstandings on this thread. It’s an emotionally charged subject, from many different angles. I’m glad to be following the thread though; I think I’m learning some good things from you, missypie, and other parents.</p>
<p>Maybe Elsie really is lonely and longing for company, but if so, she needs to get over this attitude and get out there and look for and accept company. That is something only Elsie can do. The OP’s D cannot force this change on her, nor should she be obligated to.</p>