<p>Geek_mom, as a parent it’s so incredibly difficult to know what to do…thinking of both your own child and of the potential roommate. </p>
<p>Son has a friend who is a lot deeper on the spectrum than he is and he’s living at home and going to CC. The parents probably made the decision out of concern for their own child, but I’ve been around this kid for 14 years and I think he’d drive almost any roommate crazy. He’s the opposite of withdrawn…talks nonstop but only about his specific area of interest. But again, I do think that if he shared a larger living space with some gamer-type boys - either a house or other situation with separate rooms - he might eventually be able to leave his house without being all alone. My son and another boy have been friends with him all these years because they’ll just say, “We don’t want to talk about that right now…we’re talking about x…” </p>
<p>There’s probably an ideal roommate out there for Elsie but it may be like a needle in a haystack. (My younger D has a good friend who’s an Aspie…because of her brother, she doesn’t see anything abnormal about her.) We need to find some girl on OP’s D’s campus who either has an Aspie sibling or is barely on the spectrum herself. Wish I could play matchmaker!</p>
<p>NSM, the amount of socialization that having a roommate brings may be just enough for Elsie, whether Elsie appears tuned out or not.</p>
<p>When in class, it often looks as though my son is not paying attention at all to the professor or teacher. He does not look at the professor; he often doodles (very intricate doodles at that). Yet if asked a question about the material, my kid answers. What looks like inattentiveness – and might be for another kid – is not inattentiveness for MY kid. His not looking at the person in the front of the room is his way of attending. Looking at the professor is a visual distraction that can prevent him from listening, to hearing, to thinking, about the material. His drawing is also a way he attends.</p>
<p>In the past, I’ve let my son’s teachers know how my kid is in class, that he will appear inattentive, but isn’t. Couldn’t do that with his college professors, and he had an issue with one of them, one who thought my S was not paying the least attention to what was being covered. Once midterms were over, this professor knew S HAD been paying attention, but until then… yikes!</p>
<p>We don’t know WHAT is going on in Elsie’s head. If she is wired differently (as my son is), her experience in the world may not match other peoples’ experiences in the world, and what she gets out of her experiences may not be what other people would get out of those same experiences.</p>
<p>“It increasingly strikes me that to place a person with this level of social disability in a dorm where they are forced to share a room with another person is almost the equivalent of placing a student who uses a wheelchair in a dorm without an elevator.”</p>
<p>I was thinking this myself. Not everyone is cut out for dorm life, even in a single. This sounds like a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. I too wonder if Elsie’s parents had overly optimistic dreams about how their daughter would adapt to college.</p>
<p>I think it is very rare that anyone finds themselves in a roommate situation they are 100% happy with. D’s experiences with roommates have run the gamut. From all descriptions, it sounds as if OP’s D is ready to move on and she should. The situation is having a negative impact upon her college experience, and she should seek an alternative living arrangement. I feel badly for Elsie, but I also feel badly for OP’s D. I am sure that for every complaint my own D has had about her roomie, roomie has probably countered with a complaint about D. But they both recognize that the alternative to living with each other could be far worse. That doesn’t seem to be the case here.</p>
<p>For all we know, Elsie might be spending Thanksgiving break at home talking with her parents about how to tell OP’s D that she doesn’t want to room with her anymore!</p>
<p>missypie, my oldest S is about to graduate from a great LAC, and he has always been somewhere on the Asperger’s scale. (He came along just as this was being really recognized, so he never received a definitive diagnosis). Yes, in HS he was quiet and “left out”. But in college, I noticed the kids were more accepting, especially with the passage of time, and with their (and my son’s) increasing maturity. </p>
<p>One thing I’ve noticed (and which I hold to my heart) is the knowledge that when S1 makes a friend, it is a REAL friend. This is because my son is not capable of artifice. Therefore, his relations are true and deep. The few friends he has, he will have for life.</p>
<p>Compass, I don’t think my son will go through college entirely without friends. It took until about junior year of high school for him to really “click” with a few people. I just think he will have to meet a lot more people than he has now before he finds friends. You’re so right about not being capable about artifice. That was part of the conversation about seeing folks on his floor talking and wanting to be a part of it but now knowing how…if they’re discussing something that’s not of interest to him, he cannot/will not act interested.</p>
<p>+++ I don’t think my son will go through college entirely without friends. It took until about junior year of high school for him to really “click” with a few people+++</p>
<p>This was exactly my S’1s experience in HS. These changes are so hard for them. Good luck to your son. I am sure it’s just a matter of time.</p>
<p>Boy this thread has moved fast the last few hours…</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang,
To be honest, my niece doesn’t know how her roomie felt about my niece becoming a bit more assertive about her own needs. Roomie never reacted…never spoke to her, never wrote her a note. Never reacted to the curtains being opened. Never reacted to people coming in to the room. Sometimes she stayed but did not interact…even if they said they were ordering chinese food and asked if she wanted something. Sometimes she would get up and leave the room with her headphones on and with her laptop. But never a direct acknowledgement of other people.</p>
<p>My niece let people in on the situation in her room before they came over. She is not the kind of person who would make fun of another person, or let others do it either. I think she just got to the point where she felt that she needed to have a home, too. I don’t think she meant to be mean to the roomie…she never threw a party or anything, she would just have a friend over to sometimes watch a DVD or practice a language skit, or to pick her up before going out.</p>
<p>Reading this thread really breaks my heart. I suspect that the posters who perceive the withdrawn roommates as reacting to too much social stuff around them are probably correct…they probably have a real need to retreat after being out in class, in the dining hall etc. But I also feel sorry for the roomies of these students…their needs and expectations are valid too, and they are not equipped to be psychiatric social workers. They are so young and inexperienced, too. I know my niece was puzzled that her roomie would not respond to direct conversation…not even something as whether she wanted to go to the floor meeting together at the beginning of the semester.</p>
<p>As another Aspie mom, can I just point out that parents don’t fill out the housing form? If I’d been filling out Fang Jr’s form, you bet I would have asked for a single. He did not. I just hope it’s not working out too badly. </p>
<p>This is such a sad thread for Aspie parents.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for Elsie and her mom who probably worries all the time about her daughter. I also feel sorry to op’s daughter as it is not what she had in mind for a roommate. Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we want/expect and it sounds like your daughter is doing the best she can.</p>
<p>May I suggest that your daughter meet Elsie where she is, and that is on the computer. Find out her skype address or IM address and talk via computer even if to say that she is looking to move out next semester. Maybe Elsie would feel comfortable communicating this way first and then be able to transition into a conversation.</p>
<p>Sorry for the unkind responses from others. It helps to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.</p>
<p>“May I suggest that your daughter meet Elsie where she is, and that is on the computer. Find out her skype address or IM address and talk via computer even if to say that she is looking to move out next semester. Maybe Elsie would feel comfortable communicating this way first and then be able to transition into a conversation.”</p>
<p>"As another Aspie mom, can I just point out that parents don’t fill out the housing form? If I’d been filling out Fang Jr’s form, you bet I would have asked for a single. He did not. I just hope it’s not working out too badly. </p>
<p>This is such a sad thread for Aspie parents."</p>
<p>Whether or not they filled out the form, the parents still may have hoped that college and having a roommate might have helped their beloved daughter develop better social skills. Many parents whose kids have social skills problems hope that their kids will blossom when being around peers in college, where they are likely to be around more peers of similar intelligence and interests than they experienced in high school.</p>
<p>You are exactly right, Northstarmom. We always have hope. I have been able to see about 20% of the time, that my son is very responsive-and hope that in this new environment that he will find friends of similar interests. He always seems to desire social contact and I pray that he is getting it. He rarely does seem to be in his room alone, and often talks about “hanging out,” though I really don’t know what that means.</p>
<p>“can I just point out that parents don’t fill out the housing form?”</p>
<p>That depends on the college. And at many colleges, all freshmen are automatically placed in doubles/triples absent a medical excuse, and medical documentation generally comes from parents. At such schools, parents know there will be shared space.</p>
<p>“I know my niece was puzzled that her roomie would not respond to direct conversation…not even something as whether she wanted to go to the floor meeting together at the beginning of the semester.”</p>
<p>I’d like to note that this behavior is extremely rude. It appears to have been prompted by a disability, and the neurotypical niece should understand that there was probably no intent to give offense. But any communal living arrangement is dependent on social rules in order to function. Politeness is essential, not optional. In our culture, it’s a brutal snub to ignore your roommate when she asks you a direct question. In my opinion, this roommate wasn’t ready for dorm living. And hey, that’s not the end of the world – for unrelated reasons, at age 18, neither was I.</p>
<p>busyparent in 133 –
I already suggested that, back on page whatever, 2, I think, of this thread. The OP didn’t respond to it. I sort of think that the OP and the OP’s D weren’t really looking for help with solutions. I wonder if the complaining about the roommate in such bitter terms was a way to look for validation that they should give Elsie the boot. Don’t know.</p>
<p>I do know that if Elsie is so connected with her computer, that would be the place to start. That is, if the OP’s D really wants to do that. My guess is no.</p>
<p>It’s just a bad fit, clearly. Elsie should go, for her own sake, but it will probably work out differently.</p>
<p>I think OPs D should feel no guilt about trying to move out. She needs to take care of her own needs, too. It is not fair to expect her to be a social worker.</p>