Unusual Roommate Issue

Parents Forum
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<p>A lot of Aspies have been getting social skills training of some sort since they were diagnosed. And, some colleges have social skills workshops for Aspies: my son is in one, and an Aspie I know at CalTech is in one. </p>

<p>As to whether most Aspies would be better off if they lived at home and commuted, my guess is that most Aspies who go to college do live at home and commute. But that’s not the greatest solution for someone who wants to become less socially isolated, and of course not every family happens to live close to a college that would be an academic fit for their Aspie child.</p>

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<p>I believe that my son is doing better academically at college away from home than if would be doing if he had stayed at home and commuted. He’s so incredibly ADD (distractable) that the spartan dorm room environment is a godsend.</p>

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<p>“The idea that the college experience must include living in a very small space with a perfect stranger is quite odd when you think about it.”</p>

<p>I don’t think it’s any odder than the fact that until recently most men got extensive experience living with others while serving in the military.</p>

<p>I think that living with another person – as many do in college or in the military— is a great preparation for life including the work world and marriage. You learn a lot about yourself and about getting along with other people.</p>

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<p>I’m sure that my son is doing better both academically and socially away from home. He is able to take classes that perfectly match his academic interests, and has managed to connect with some other kids who share his non-academic interests. </p>

<p>I wish the college hadn’t put my little tornado of chaos in with a neat freak roommate, though. I think I’ll send roomie a care package before the next exams, just to thank him for putting up with Fang Jr.</p>

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<p>There is another thread (anudduhmom is the OP, I believe) about the general concept of dorm living / living with strangers.</p>

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<p>My son has a similar situation, except that his dorm is actually a suite of 4 private rooms, 2 baths, and a full kitchen/living room. So bizarre roommate just stays in his cave, never interacts with the other three - at all. Geing a guy, my son has just found a bunch of friends to hang with in his dorm building, and acts like BR doesn’t really exist. (son says hi on the RARE occasions that he sees him in the dorm or on campus. Greeting not usually returned, or returned in a head-ducking, uncomfortable way.</p>

<p>I was concerned when my son described this roommate, and still am to some extent, but I’ve left it alone.</p>

<p>It would be a completely different situation if son were sharing a room with this kid. I’m sure I would have encouraged him to speak to the RA or try to find a different situation.</p>

<p>ps… I think the suite/private room is an ideal situation - shared living space, new people, etc., but the ability to be alone when and if you wish. It’s worked very well for all three of my boys.</p>

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<p>Isn’t that the truth? Kids on the spectrum can do brilliantly with group work – as long as there’s a clear objective. A lot of messing around, procrastination, etc. really makes these kids (and adults) frustrated.</p>

<p>That’s why so many Awesome Aspies and Autistics (and that’s how I think of them, yes!) really get into RPGs like Dungeons and Dragons or MMORPGs like World of Warcraft – there are rules and you will follow them!</p>

<p>Group work is task-driven, and a clear objective is the autistic’s friend. Ambiguity is anathema.</p>

<p>This is also true in social situations. We don’t realize how much information is transmitted with innuendo, facial expressions, sighing, pausing, and uses of words in unconventional ways. Autistic kids just don’t cope with all that. They can spot a bull*****er a mile away, and where the neurotypical person will be gullible, forgiving, see nuances, etc., the Awesome Autistic will just reject or ignore phony or ‘polite’ gestures. </p>

<p>People who cherish relationships with Awesome Autistics love their directness, their honesty, their innocence (in many ways), their unusual Weltansschauung, and in so many cases their incredible brilliance. It can be difficult to have relationships/friendships with autistic people (and you have to have a fairly robust ego), but the rewards are as numberless as the stars.</p>

<p>And anyway, this question is purely conjectural on this thread…we are not even sure if the “Unusual Roommate” is autistic. Interesting topic nonetheless.</p>

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<p>LOL, in HS, Son finished his group projects in about a quarter of the time as his sister does…for very neurotypical her, it’s talk about the project talk about boys go to Sonic and get a cherry limeaide work on the project a bit go on Facebook finally work on the project and then the whole group talks about the hours they put in on the project.</p>

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<p>Anudduhmom, Thanks for introducing me to the word “Weltansschauung”! I agree with your post.</p>

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<p>It’s too bad that our society doesn’t have room for eccentrics anymore (or much). My mom tells the stories of family members who surely had some form of Aspergers who said outlandish things, but were completely accepted and valued in small hometown.</p>

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<p>“ps… I think the suite/private room is an ideal situation - shared living space, new people, etc., but the ability to be alone when and if you wish. It’s worked very well for all three of my boys.”</p>

<p>This turned out to be the ideal situation for me in college, too. I’m more or less neurotypical, but I have serious problems with attention span and sensory overload, and balancing my study needs with my need for human interaction was driving me round the bend until my friends and I got a suite for junior and senior year.</p>

<p>Having the right suitemates is crucial, though. It’s vital that students who can’t figure out unwritten social codes on their own, discuss them with their suitemates. (“hang out in the living room if you feel like being social, hang out in your own room with the door open if you want to be invited to join other people who are being social, hang out in your own room with the door closed if you want to be left alone.”)</p>

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<p>There are a whole lot of people that I value and accept with whom I would not want to share a dorm room!</p>

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<p>But I do get your point Whiteagle. It was easier when there were big family farms…Odd Uncle Ernie could live at home all his life and drive a tractor and who cares if he ever said three words put together. Same for mentally challenged family members…they’d live at home with extended family and contribute as they could around the house or on the farm. But maybe that is all idealized…maybe there were zero options for these folks outside of the family home/farm back then.</p>

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<p>Uncle Ernie sounds just like the Great-Uncle my mom talks about! She once went to his house, he opened a can and its contents (to put it nicely) were not in good shape. He loved his monthly visits and lives as a hermit on an apple orchard.</p>

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<p>Didn’t people “outside the norm” get put in institutions at a pretty high rate in earlier decades? My guess would be our society is actually a lot more compassionate than it was previously. (Just a guess, though, since I haven’t done any actual research on it, LOL.)</p>

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<p>Yeah. These types of students weren’t going to colleges, back then. So this is new ground.</p>

<p>It’s interesting, though, because as a board in general, CC tends to put a lot of value on the presence of the other students. At one level, Physics 101 is Physics 101 whether it’s at Directional State U or at Harvard - but there’s a big belief that a lot of the difference is based on who you are interacting with and how interacting with others shapes the experience. (Else all that material could just be taught online and residential universities could go away.) </p>

<p>And look at all the emphasis put on “fit,” especially at LAC’s – the whole concept of walking around, talking with people, understanding whether the prevalent mentality at this place is work hard / party hard, chill out on Saturday nights, preppy, fratty, politically apathetic or engaged, bright well rounded kids vs angular kids, sports-oriented vs sports-indifferent, etc. </p>

<p>It just seems a bit odd that as a board, we talk so much about the importance of the other students at a college as forming part of the experience of being at a college, yet there’s seeming indifference to the fact that the OP’s D is getting a pretty raw deal, through no fault of her own (and no fault of Elsie’s, either, if that is how Elsie is wired). </p>

<p>I was struck by a comment upthread that maybe Elsie’s interaction is indeed what she (Elsie) wants. Which is great for Elsie. But it’s way, way outside the norm for the OP’s D, and I don’t see why she shouldn’t want to move to correct that.</p>

<p>That is NOT to say that roommates should expect to be BFF’s or like the same things or hang around together. And some people are shy and others are outgoing and they both have to learn to deal. But not having even basic social graces of acknowledging someone’s presence is far out of the norm. Shy roommates who don’t like to go out on Saturday nights still say “Hi” and “How was your day?” and engage in some small talk about the weather or classes. And I think it’s unfair to spring someone who doesn’t engage in any social interaction on a roommate.</p>

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<p>Doesn’t that go for the OP’s D, though, too? Nothing has been said that has indicated that she hasn’t been polite, courteous, etc. towards Elsie.</p>

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<p>“It’s too bad that our society doesn’t have room for eccentrics anymore (or much). My mom tells the stories of family members who surely had some form of Aspergers who said outlandish things, but were completely accepted and valued in small hometown.”</p>

<p>There’s plenty of room for eccentrics. Most people, understandably, prefer not to be college roommates with them.</p>

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<p>On another thread, there is a discussion of the interview process (started by a parent who felt that some aspects of her D’s interview went oddly). The discussion has segued into what is the role of the interview in general. It begs the question, how would these students fare in interviews? And if a student with these issues did not fare well in an interview setting and the interviewer subsequently dinged them, is that right?</p>

<p>(To be clear - we’re not talking about shy vs outgoing kids and how they fare in interviewers. We’re talking about the kinds of behaviors being discussed here, where students are simply unable to maintain what are commonly considered “normal” social skills and interactions.) Would Elsie have passed an interview?</p>

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<p>Interesting thing happened last night…I presented this situation to all four of my college kids. Their responses were interesting. All felt like it must be difficult for the OP’s daughter, however they all said that that the daughter should take a different approach. Instead of trying to figure out how to “get out of the situation” the continued effort should be on how to live in the dorm as happily as one can and to engage Elsie in social interaction. My kids ages range from 19 (the youngest) to 21 (the oldest). Not one of my kids felt that Elsies behavior warranted intervention on the part of the RA and especially not housing. Just thought I would share that.</p>