Update and reflection on parenting intensity

Parent Cafe
21

My dear friend has a special needs child (henceforth SNC) and did not insist on the husband being able to do the same tasks as she does. Now the SNC is almost 30 and still at home. Friend does all the medications, doctor appointments, therapy appointments, driving to enriching activities, etc.

Husband has retired. He goes on week long golfing jaunts with friends around the US and abroad. He does not administer any of the medications and does not step up to any of the driving. The groundwork isn’t there for the SNC to confide or discuss symptoms or feelings. Friend hasn’t had a day away from SNC since maybe 2008 before the needs became really bad. Not even a late night out with me.

There have been times that I really worried about her for burnout. If she burnsout or something like pneumonia happens, the wheels will come off the bus for that family. It was a really bad idea to have just one person who is irreplaceable.

The elementary age kids can pour their own cereal or toast their own bagels in the morning. Lunches for the next day can be pre made during the dinner clean up.

Happytimes above was correct that yoga is not necessary for marathon training. My distance runner did not. Or, to build off her running example, have your husband teach the children yoga and have that be part of the bedtime process.

22

It think it is usually the mother who is more involved and more nurturing. If you met my ex and me before we had kids, you would assume he would be the one who would be the main caretaker and I probably would have agreed with you because I was very career oriented. Once the kids were born, it was all about them for me. I carried the heavy load of working (sole breadwinner) and managed the kids’ schedules (from nanny to playdates and ECs). Their father was helpful but he also complained about how little time he got from me. I think in some ways it may have cost my marriage, but I am not sure if I would have done it differently (being less focused on my kids). Now we are divorced, he does not see the girls that often (he said he is giving them space). I am still their rock and I am the person they still come to with various issues.

OP - Do you still love your husband? Are there things about him that are endearing to you? Does he try to do some nice things for you or is it all about him? If you think there are reason for you guys to stay as a couple, I would try to get involved with things he may be interested in, and vice versa. Maybe taking some time off to cheer him on his marathon. Do yoga together (have the housekeeper stay late one or two nights a week). After the kids are gone, and they will be gone, as a couple you need to have some common interest and things you do together.

My kids weren’t special needs, so I realize my situation was a bit different, but I was the parent who was a lot more involved.

23

My daughter had to read a book for work called Don’t Shoot the Dog about positive shaping of behaviors. It works off the practice of immediately (within a second or so) thanking/rewarding a desired behavior. Supposedly works on kids and family members as well. https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training/dp/1860542387

24

Not for us to judge why he does yoga or any other single activity he chooses to participate in. Yoga may help him keep his sanity which I applaud him for doing. What AspieMom may be able to negotiate is the time of day he does it or the frequency. She should also feel that if SHE would like to do yoga (or activity of choice) that she can slowly make a little time for it without guilt and then perhaps she will not feel angst towards her H’s choices.

25

I think many families have the dynamic of less involved men when kids are little. The fact he chooses to run and leave you at home is selfish.

My comment from your post is in response to your job. I think you need to set boundaries with your boss and quit IMing at 10:30.

26

Unfortunately I don’t see how you can change your husband if he doesn’t feel connected to your kids, and forcing him to spend more time with them against his will may not be a good thing for the kids. However, he might start to relate more as kids get older and he might realize he missed out. In the meantime you can and should use him or the money he earns to unload other household responsibilities and get yourself free time regularly. Don’t feel guilty if you need to hire a babysitter so you have some personal space.

27

@Aspieration

It’s so nice to read your update on your S and his school.

I highly recommend prioritizing individual therapy for you. A skilled therapist will help you navigate the waters. I go every two weeks, and it has been immensely helpful.

H & I have two kids. One graduated from college and launched. The other still in college, but likely not coming home to live again for any extended period of time.

Even though I had been looking forward to this time for years (I was getting very burnt out), I was still jolted by how abrupt the change was. Daily interactions, daily decisions, being needed for this and that to days and weeks of being off-the-radar.

Mid-life can be turbulent. Now what? Was it worth it? Who am I? Regret. Second-guessing major decisions. How did I get here? Where do I want to go? Do I want to stay with this man?

That’s where a good therapist comes in.

28

Let’s please not insult the OP’s spouse. This is a big issue concerning her husband. That does not mean he has lots more wonderful qualities that she admires and loves. I’m assuming OP does not want a divorce and loves her husband. We all have faults, and in her eyes this is a biggie. You know the saying, I can say bad things about my loved one, but you can’t.

I don’t know how to change your DH to be more helpful, he may never be changed, The dynamics of a relationship for one couple will not work for another.

I remember Ann Landers or Dear Abby once said in situations like yours (and a lot of us), “are you better off with him or without him?” And there is your answer.

If you are better off with him, whatever your reasons may be, you have several options. Ask for more help and if that gets you nowhere, which is probably won’t happen, then you need to find your self time…and accept him for what he is. Remember the reasons you love him and try to come to terms with this character flaw…and we ALL have them.

When the kids were little, I did most of the parenting, I called him the co-parent (not to his face). And yes…I got angry a lot. As the kids got older, their teens and now 20’s, he was and is really there for them…those trying years, lots of talk…lots and lots. There’s more than one way to be a great parent. They call him now for issues of a certain nature, not me…I’m starting to get called now for more Mom stuff. He is very calm and I’m not…so they go to him. Which is great, I think. Hang in there.

29

I, too, am happy to read your update about your son.

As for the marriage: My ex-husband is a person who was more involved with our children when they were very young and their needs were mainly physical than when they were older and more emotional interaction and support were necessary. He also was afraid of connecting with me emotionally. (He admitted to this.) When our children left for college and I became the main breadwinner (my ex had problems getting and keeping jobs), I still wanted then-husband’s support, but he pulled away even further.

I hope your husband comes closer to you and the children as time passes.

30

I didn’t see anything in your post, @Aspieration, that made it sound like you’re considering divorce so that seems like quite a leap. We all have our own “contracts” with our spouses about how things work and, while I do believe change is possible, we all know, for the most part, what kind of change and how much change might be possible with our spouses.

It sounds like mornings are tough with your husband. I wonder if he’d be open to agreeing to take on a specific task or two at night. Or on the weekend. If lunches, are a challenge, for example, I grew up in a house where, right after we finished cleaning up from dinner, we packed lunches for the next day. Then each person just had to grab a bag from the fridge in the morning. Before my mom remarried, she was single with two toddlers and it was a tough time. The night before, she’d put cereal in bowls with covers on the kitchen table and just have to pour milk for us the next morning. I have an empty nest and my days of thinking about breakfast for others is long past so I have no idea if people still eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast but, hopefully, you get my point.

My H and I have some pretty different ideas and I can’t/wouldn’t ask him to do certain things but, if I’m very specific, he is likely to agree. And I do think it’s important to think about the things he DOES do (good provider, takes care of the insurance battles…I assume there’s more on the list) so you don’t become too resentful.

Congratulations on finding the right school for your child–so fabulous! Clearly, you’re a wonderful and devoted mom. I wish you well and hope you’re able to find some more common ground with your H. It really is toughest when the kids are young. Hopefully, things will get a bit easier each year they become older and more independent.

31

I’m so happy you found a place for your son and that both are thriving.

As for the marriage - we’re only hearing one side here. I’m curious if he was being honest with someone on a board, what would he say? Does he feel tremendous pressure to keep up the income because the kids have so many expensive needs? Does he feel pushed out from the bond between the kids and you? Is he dealing with the sense of loss and grieving over your sons dx? I’m sure he’s not “just” a selfish ass. And he’s probably thinking if he doesn’t get to do something for himself the stress and pressure from work and home will really take a toll on him. He’s not going off hanging at the bars, he’s doing something probably to clear his mind and have something for himself.

The problem is from where I sit being an arm chair quarterback - you don’t have anything outside the kids and work, and you two as a couple aren’t doing enough together. Trust me, the kids grow up. I hope you can take the time to be a couple.

32

I’m glad your son is doing well.

A very wise therapist once told me that you can’t expect to change other people but you can change yourself. Your husband may never become an engaged parent or he may bond more with the kids as he gets older (that is a fairly common pattern). He may never become an equal partner in the ways that you would prefer. You CAN learn to establish clear boundaries and consistent forms of communication to advocate for yourself. It sounds like you can afford to hire help. Maybe you can pay somebody to babysit in order to get some consistent “me” time if your husband is unwilling to trade off?

Hang in there!

33

Questions people need to ask themselves before entering into a major relationship conflict:

  1. Has there been a change in behavior that’s shifted things?

  2. Is the status quo something that’s a deal breaker? Too often people start a conflict when it’s not a deal breaker, it’s just a desire. Focus on changing the deal breakers. Know exactly what you require.

Are you familiar with behavior modification? It works on adults too. But it requires giving up on winning the argument, that’s worthless anyway (unless the argument can whip up some pancakes). Find a therapist that can help you with this, make sure they specialize in behavior mods in adults, and reclaim your right to a fair amount of ‘peace of mind’.

Good Luck with this!

PS - married man, don’t underestimate the ability of people to prey on the nurturing behavior of women

34

Some comments.

I absolutely need a therapist and I NEED to make time for one. S1 has evolved and so must I. I still hover emotionally and am on constant alert for signs of distress which, once upon a time, preceded aggressive behavior. S1 has behaviorally trained ME to be a constant, soothing, nurturing presence. Not intentionally, but years upon years of triggers (some predictable, some seemingly innocuous) followed by biting, scratching, choking… I have PTSD and at the tiniest peep of conflict btw the boys, I launch myself to where ever they are, adrenaline pumping, ready to intervene.

I’m 43 with a 8yo and a 9yo so I’m about midway through full nest parenting. I highly value all of your perspectives because parenting young kids is the only parenting I know. And for 18 months, parenting an SN child was all I knew. S1 was an intense baby, I wish I could post a photo of his bright blue-green 3mo eyes burning a hole right through you. In contrast S2 was so SWEET. He CUDDLED. He was so EASY. And S1 would bite him in the face (!), on his chubby little hands, choke hold him. It was like having toddler Hannibal Lecter loose in your home. Quiet, watchful, then one false move and STRIKE. We tried many different therapies. He remained a loaded gun of a kid.

H’s side? He would say that it was all too much. And he had a mandate to overwork because that the tenure system in academia. I worked full time but crazy hours to maximize time with the boys. I was the S1 whisperer and H (exhausted with an exhausted wife) would often exacerbate things. Then I would berate H for not just doing it my (the right) way. Of course now I look back and wish I’d done things differently, But back then, H not following my instructions meant S2 would have a chunk of skin missing from a body part. I was unforgiving. Meanwhile we are trying every therapy under the sun, I’m writing powerpoint presentations for teachers, and doing behavioral therapy workshops.

Then we hit the watershed moment of our marriage.

After the third school said TAKE YOUR CRAZY KID AND GO we discussed medicating S1 (by now about 7 or 8 and behaviorally better - but not good enough). I reluctantly sat with psychiatrists who recommended meds that would “reduce S1’s reactivity,” but was not convinced this would do anything more than sedate the kid. And THAT did not feel right. Plus S1 has strengths that I did not want to mess with, especially a voracious appetite for reading (his reading comprehension is was adult-level even then). That is when I started posting a lot here and you wonderful people suggested the Davidson forum. THOSE wonderful people pointed me to a whole universe of physical therapy that I’d never heard of and urged me to have his motor skills deeply tested. Lo and behold a full occupational therapy exam revealed S1 had the crippling motor planning deficits, problems integrating visual-vestibular information and performance anxiety. We emptied our bank account and ensured he had OT every day (one gross motor, in our home, one fine motor in a peds hospital rehab center) plus social skills training in addition to cognitive behavioral therapy. And that summer (this past summer) the aggression stopped cold. It just stopped. And then he started his new school and SHONE.

I think the whole fight over meds broke H and I from the inside. He felt that I was holding our family hostage by refusing to medicate S1. H wanted S1 to STOP IT. I wanted to SOLVE what felt like an unsolved problem. And now that we’re in a stable place, I don’t EVER want to back and am hell-bent to ensure S1 continues to make progress. I wish H shared my passion for improving S1’s prospects but his passion is for his career and running. He loves us. He loves me. But he is not willing (and possibly not capable) of THIS kind of parenting. And parenting in general does not seem to interest him (even take S2 out to the park to learn to throw a ball).

Sorry this post turned into a saga. That all just poured out. Hope it was not too incomprehensible.

The kids need me now…

35

You are doing a great job @Aspieration .
SNC are tough on a marriage and the divorce rate for couples in this situation is quite high. So the fact that you and your husband are in a stable place is a pretty big deal - kudos to you for making it this far. Your husband’s job is clearly important since it has allowed you to financially mange your son’s needs (and I gather that has been a very expensive proposition - he needs to receive kudos for that).

It is good to read your update. I remember your original posts. I didn’t have anything to add at the time and I’m glad that others had the right advice for you.

36

Moderators, if there is ever verification needed for the parent cafe, this is it. What a gift this family was given by the advice of well meaning people here to help out with suggestions (the Davidson program).

Parenting typical kids takes a lot out of you. I have three. I don’t know what the experience is like to have one or more children with needs that are beyond typical. H and I put ALOT into our three kids. I say with confidence that we have been GREAT parents - but I can’t always say we have been good husband and wife. We definitely didn’t take time during our child rearing to NOT be with the kids and to just be with each other. Seriously, very little time over a 25+ year period of time.

Because of that, now that the kids are mostly grown up, we are still a work in progress - that “marriage is a marathon” thing that @deb922 said. Not to add another thing to your plate, but I hope that in the midst of your parenting - even if it feels “solo” that you and H can take “some” time to be husband and wife. Go watch that marathon. Get up early and have a quiet breakfast together. Take a 10 minute walk. Something! It may take some time for this to happen for for him to buy into it, but try and keep a little piece of focus on the marriage part and not just the parenting part!

37

@bookreader Thank you. @abasket AGREED, What a gift indeed!!

38

@Aspieration, you are amazing. I hope that if he doesn’t already, your husband wakes up and realizes that, too.

39

Kids are a byproduct of a marriage and you always need to balance their needs with the marriage. Sounds like some time together and away from the kids might be needed. I told my husband I didn’t ever want to wake up old and not know the other person in the bed anymore.

40

Well, that can happen a couple of ways. Not terribly long ago, after working too much away from home, I woke up in a total panic in the middle of the night. Oh my God, where am I? And there is someone in the bed!

After a short while I realized…Oh. I’m at home and that’s my husband He’s lucky I didn’t whack him. :smiley: