I am also in a situation where I do the majority of the parenting and understand your frustration. I was a SAHM; then 5 five years ago my husband took a sabbatical and is working part time now as am I, but he has a huge number of hobbies that keep him very busy most of the time. Mine kids are both teens now, one with some learning issues and both with anxiety requiring therapy and a huge amount of support at home.
This is how I frame it in my mind just to keep myself from building up too much resentment. I know the kids are getting the support they need and doing well solely because of me. When we get complimented on our children, when they do well in school, or when they over come a big obstacle, I know that I am the one that provided support for that. As my children have gotten older, it is clear that they know this, too. That is the relationship that I wanted and have built with my kids. They love their dad, but their relationship with him is different.
I try to recognize and reinforce what my husband does do. He has been a good provider (and worked hours to go along with that) and that has also allowed me to be a SAHM and both of us to work P/T now. I also don’t touch the cars, computers, bills, insurance issues, house repairs… Anytime I see a willingness in him to take on something, I reinforce it. I may not take away the emotional tasks of handling all of the kid issues, but it’s at least something I don’t need to deal with.
I have tried to get him involved at times, but it let to disagreements about how to proceed, confusion about who was doing what. I now recognize that in some ways, it is easier to deal with on my own. I know what is going on, and don’t need to spend time negotiating a plan of action. I spend the money; he pays the bills.
And finally on taking care of myself, I have jut started seeing a counselor so that I can continue to work on ways to deal with the emotional toll dealing with these issues has had on me; I just found a yoga class very near my home, one night a week for moms; I was lucky enough to connect with a neighbor to walk with once a week that also has a child with similar issues so I have the chance to talk about the issues we are both facing; and I have found a hobby that keeps me close to home and readily available while giving me a great mental break.
And I want to let you know, it will get better! I have one child very excited to go off to college next year, The younger one is about to start Driver’s Ed. All this effort and work you are putting in now will have results. Your kids will become more independent. They will be able to communicate more effectively about what they need and what is and isn’t working for them.