My mother had recently died from 30+ years of alcoholism (we had to take her off life support). Traumatizing and heartbreaking.
My husband's recent tenure was not slowing down his travel schedule.
S1, who fits the profile for Aspergers, was having a lot of trouble at school.
Felt guilty S2 was getting ignored.
I was contemplating leaving work owing to feeling completely overwhelmed.
It did’t happen overnight, but things are now MUCH better.
I’m working with a therapist to help my process my grief. I was blocked by anger. Seeing-red anger. Like a bruise, the colors are changing. Now I actively grieve her best self. The dark parts I’m giving over to mystery and there is a small kernel of forgiveness. (I can at least fathom forgiveness now.)
I’ve been spending more time with S2 doing his stuff which involves back-to-back full games of Monopoly. We played FOUR games in one weekend day! He is teaching me some strategy.
S1 has a 1:1 paraprofessional to help him keep his cool in school. We also got him 10 hrs/week ABA therapy in addition to his CBT. On top of that he sees an autism expert twice a month who sees H and I on alternate weeks. He has SO MUCH support now. He has a whole team. Everyone is committed to coordinating. He is doing much better at school.
H agreed to take on some more daily/weekly grind parenting (he is officially math czar), I let-up on using the occasional computer program, and we got a Friday night sitter. The mantra we agreed on is, “If it ain’t fixed by Friday night, it says broken till Saturday morning.”
Bizarrely I was promoted at work. I am working with a bigger team and the work is much more varied. Less intellectual than my old job where I worked alone, but I’m LOVING the company. It is good to be busy with other people. Just the social dose I need.
And as a cherry on top, S1 got his CTY score today. High honors! He vaulted over the qualifying score (verbal only - but that is his strength). I wish I could say he was proud. He was more excited about getting mail with his name on it. Then he was interested in helping our housekeeper mop the floor. Apparently there is an award ceremony in the spring. I’m sure it is a marketing thing but I don’t care! We’re going! He earned it.
So life feels kinda, sorta, almost-maybe sane around here.
Raising a glass to good changes, a team of support, a family working together and a mom who sounds much, much more hopeful!!! All these things will help you handle the bumps in the road (there are always a few!) better.
Finally, good job taking care of yourself. That is ALWAYS important and necessary. Always.
A weekend or so ago the boys and I were walking to Washington Square park to hit a playground. S2 was going on and on with the knock knock jokes. They are terrible. S2 says, “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” I reply for the 873nd time. “Nose.” he says. “Nose who?” I ask. “Nose nose!” He laughs…
I stop walking. “Wait… wait…that’s almost funny. Nose… Knows?”
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Nose
Nose who?
Knows ME, OPEN UP!
The boys crack up then take off for the playground.
That was the moment I knew.
Parenting is does not go in straight lines. It is not like school or work where if you work hard you achieve. It was a big unfathomable thing, sometimes blindlingly bight, sometimes an abyss. And your kids break your heart just by growing up. And if you do your hard, thankless job, they leave you!
So you best take the moments as they come. Take them by the armful.
I’m so glad things are evening out for you and your family. I’m so glad that you’re taking care of yourself first, so that you can take care of your family.
Thank you for the update! I loved your description of how you were processing both the good and bad parts of your mother. Sounds like you have a really good therapist.
That is just wonderful, thanks for the uplifting post! I actually paid specific attention to the grieving of your Mom. My Dad died in July, and I feel guilty that I’m not missing him or really grieving. He was a difficult man, with some terrible qualities …but was also a wonderful father. So conflicting…there’s no doubt he had undiagnosed bi polar disorder. Maybe just grieving his wonderful side and letting the other go is what I should do. Lately I go days and weeks without even thinking of him.
Thank you for sharing your update. What fantastic news! What was especially heartening and encouraging to read was that you never gave up, even when things were so so tough. You kept at it and it sounds like the kids and your husband also just kept trying until something worked for you all. (loved the knock knock jokes)
