You have done an amazing job understanding your son.
Have you considered, if finances can support it, an executive functioning coach?
They often text and email and video chat–which can be more comfortable for a kid like yours. This person would be “outside” of the regular therapists and adults he has now. It can be amazing how a 1-1 where it is all driven by him can be helpful.
OP — congrats on the progress you have made. I stopped out of my career when my kids were young and have no regrets. I did go back to work and have enjoyed reinventing myself. It was really good that I had the flexibility to stay home and help the kids and family.
Something to think about, OP-does your son have any incentive to make this new school work? If he does not want to attend, and keeps up the same behavior he has currently, it seems you will get the same results as in the past, and school 5 will have him leave. Has his behavior changed meaningfully enough to matter to new schools? You discuss his steps in controlling his temper, but the last school still said he was taking too many resources-do you have a plan to address that?
I chant the connection between doing well and school and all of his next steps daily. He gets it. He’s motivated by the big picture. I’ve also chanted that no school is a perfect fit for him - it’s about managing and doing well academically. We supplement at home (and now will try Davidson online).
He sees a psychiatrist every 2-3 months for a check in. An SSRI has been suggested but S1 is not interested. We might try a stimulant for focus. S1 is trying caffeine this summer (black tea). I see a bit of improvement but the proof is in the classroom pudding.
Once we are in full swing with school I’ll ask if school thinks an executive coach would help. Good idea.
How old is this student now? 10, 11? Or older?
@thumper1 11
It has been my observation, that kid with behavioral issues have the most difficulty in getting an education that is up to their cognitive ability level. Even with one on one aides, addressing adverse behaviors takes up so much time, away from academics for ALL students that it’s virtually impossible to get through the academics at the level of such a student, especially if the student is at a high level of learning. Usually they are all over the map in academics so it’s difficult even honing in on where the kid is. I’ve sadly not seen much success in these situations
One of my kids was dxed as having Aspergers make in the day when that was a category distinct . From Autism in general. Most of the kids so diagnosed back then in my school district were able to do age level-standard grade level academics. Some of them excelled in at least some area of academics. The issues were not about intellectual capability but in dealing with acceptable behavior in group setting learning. Most of those kids could not do it. Too much stimuli in a classroom setting, too many distractions, notice , commentary m, fuzzy logic rules, social interactions , exceptions etc etc.
It takes autistic kids longer , usually much much longer to learn how to deal with all that stimuli. My kid has super vision, super hearing, super sensitivities to the point the point that it’s physically painful to sit in an active normal classroom. It took us years to finally figure out that he could hear everything happening through the walls of his classroom that was happening in the neighboring rooms, hallway and outside, and it was more distraction than he could handle. Now as an adult, he can. He’s learned no thanks to ANY school or outside therapists. He had to figure it out himself. It took time. I knew all of the “Aspies” in that large school district where we lived and none of them had their needs addressed even with professional advocates and lawsuits. We came in the educational scene there after the area was hit very hard at the last ditch attempt to forestall the required rules for providing disabled students an equal education. So, they were scrambling to comply, and pouring the money and resources into that area. It didn’t work.
IMO, dumping a kid so sensitive stimuli into a school setting is a recipe for disaster. It’s the old sink or swim methodology , and many do not learn to swim. They just don’t drown because someone fishes them out and they are no more able to swim than before the dunking.
Over 30 years of following a number of these kids, now adults, has made me believe that it takes a very very long time for kids who have these issues to learn to mitigate their behaviors so that they are acceptable in classrooms, public places, social scenes, and most important when they are adults, Workplaces.
My opinion, is that homeschooling to address the academic capabilities and interests is the best way to go with judicious use of whatever outside resources available and tolerable. Many if not most of these kids will get a lot better in dealing with the world at large, but at a much much slower pace than we’d like, and that institutional settings can provide while still providing the intellectual food that some of them can devour.
Many are able to do better at college than at high school. Local impersonal schools, night, weekend courses where it’s all business in the classroom seem to work well. All that socialization that we so prize in the school scene just doesn’t work with these kids because sadly bullying, teasing, ostracizing, taunting is part of that social scene and many of kids on the spectrum can’t get the nuances needed to even know when something is off or not. That can get much better in local college classes scenarios. It’s a matter of keeping the kid on academic track while getting there, while slowly transitioning them into social situations.
Take care of yourself. It wears terribly on the parent to have to pace oneself to something off the beaten track with our children.
Personally I think it is highly inappropriate to forfeit medical decision making power to a prepubescent child, but I note you have always done so that is unlikely to change. I am sure you preach the importance of behavior management. It is quite likely he verbally agrees (who wouldn’t?). Since such behavior isn’t actually occurring, however, is the continuing problem that he is unable or unwilling to control himself sufficiently to remain in a school? Did school number 4 offer concrete suggestions as to what you and he must do differently next time, and have you implemented those suggestions? His psychiatrist must have some alternate ideas for how to proceed, as the current treatment doesn’t appear successful if he keeps getting expelled every year.
Just want to give you an attagirl. You have made some great progress taking care of yourself, your children and your family. I gave up my original great career to stay home with the kids and make our family work (H like yours who travels all the time and is not engaged). One thing that made me feel better was remembering that there were plenty of bright young lawyers who could do my job as well as I could, but no one, no nanny, no teacher, could raise my kids as well as I could. I was good at it and I enjoyed it, so why not do it myself? I have found other outlets for my talents after taking time off.
Can he take only some classes at school and some homeschooling? I imagine sitting in school for hours being bored may be a torture for a highly gifted child, and requiring him to deal with this day after day may not be realistic or helpful at this age. I hope the new school will challenge him enough that this is not an issue any more.
Incidentally, I know a child psychologist in NYC who sees 2e kids and she’s very sweet and knowledgeable. PM me if you’re interested.
“My opinion, is that homeschooling to address the academic capabilities and interests is the best way to go with judicious use of whatever outside resources available and tolerable. Many if not most of these kids will get a lot better in dealing with the world at large, but at a much much slower pace than we’d like, and that institutional settings can provide while still providing the intellectual food that some of them can devour.”
@Aspieration
I am in TOTAL agreement with this statement by @cptofthehouse .
My DS, now 31, was also a highly sensitive , highly gifted Aspie who did MUCH better socially after he went to college , than during his earlier years.
He was lucky enough to go to a elementary school for gifted kids, which , in additional to being supportive of how fast the students learned, also taught all students social/ emotional learning , which imho, made a big difference in how they were/ are able to cope as adults in the world.
I think that you need to start teaching your DS S/E values, which boils down to his learning to observe and show empathy for others- that just because he is highly sensitive and intelligent, that doesn’t mean he can ignore the fact that others have feelings too.
Its hard, but its an important lesson for Aspies to learn and practice.
Op, is your DS1 interested in doing a sport? swimming welcomes uncoordinated kids like nothing else! And water does wonders to kids on the spectrum!
How about music instruments?
Both activities would have the potential to rewire kids’ brain.
I don’t know whether there are any good books on psychology that teaches how to “put on” filters, if there are, have your DS1 read them, social cues can be learned.
I would be very cautious about using SSRI, the side effects are just too big and the efficacy debatable. I would try diet adjustment. some aspie kids feel better when added sugar is eliminated and sometimes doing diary/gluten-free.
Also melatonin should not be taken long term.
Good luck!
Sounds like an interesting kid.
Just because our schooling systems work for 85% of the kids, doesn’t mean it is right for the other 15%. It can be the wrong skin, no matter wwhether public or private. Or Dx or no Dx. He’s clearly not a conformist and I’d bet some portion of the usual school work bores him (but at his age, doubt he can self identify this.)
There are districts where he can get a private homeschooling teacher and/or mentor, who fosters HIS strengths and style, (close to the full class week, not just appointments.) I don’t think OP should be the homeschool teacher, too close to the situation. Aiui, that’s where outside mentors come in, in the first place.
The city of New York has already determined that due to his behavior the child cannot be educated in any public facility they offer, and agreed to pay tuition at private schools instead, after which OP enrolled him in several private special needs schools without success. It is possible the money spent on tuition could be redirected towards a private tutor, but probably not towards his mother acting as tutor unless she is a certified teacher. Fusion academy offers that in my state.
I like @makemesmart 's suggestion about trying a sport like swimming or running. Neither requires a lot of coordination or team work and he’d get exercise which would make him sleep well. (And if he swims, he’ll be clean!) Anecdotally, I’ve heard of autistic kids helped by these sports outlets.
Both are pretty hard to do in Manhattan.
Just wanted to say-I’ve always followed your posts, and it sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress. Your homelife sounds calmer and more sane! It sounds like S2 is happy and doing well, and that you are not all walking on eggshells anymore? You sound healthier and more focused. So that is all good. I am very serious about my career, also worked in NYC for years and years and ten years ago became a consultant working from home, now work for a smaller, international company but still from home. I understand the unfairness that you are the one who is now at home, when you sound like you are really passionate about your profession. I know I miss “the big show” but as far as the big picture? My life is pretty great, and my education and work ethic have allowed me to have flexibility and freedom, which is worth quite a bit. I hope that comes for you, too. My daughter is dyslexic and elementary school was a struggle. But in middle school everything came together for her. A large weight lifted. Her new maturity was a huge part of things starting to really work. I hope you continue to post updates and see positive progress and wish you all the best.
@Aspieration I remember you talked about part of your fitness plan being walking for you - will S1 go on a walk with you? Are there nature classes/walks for kids through Central Park or Prospect Park or something? Or bike riding in a park situation?
Is there a YMCA with a pool in Manhattan? If there is, there must be some sort of a kid swim activity like swim lessons and swim team. BTW, an added benefit to swimming at the Y is that the mom can swim or pool jog or go to the gym while the kid is swimming. Kid’s Y swim team had children with various disabilities… all were welcome to join when they mastered the highest level of swim lessons.
I’ve followed your story…you are doing such a wonderful job! So much progress for you and in the calmness of the home front. As a parent of an ADHD distracted daughter, I would really strongly encourage you to try a trial of a stimulant such as Concerta for your son this summer–if your psychiatrist thinks it might be appropriate. It can be akin to “putting on glasses”. Concerta does not stay in the system for an extended period the way an SSRI does. Take the summer to try it. No medication is the silver bullet, but a stimulant such as Concerta can mitigate the distraction and some of the sensory overload leading to difficult behavior. It changed my daughter’s school experience and allowed her to grow into a very successful adult. If it might help some of the behavior-- why on earth would you not give it a try? From my experience it was night and day and she stayed on it until shortly before she graduated from college.