I have a nephew in a similar situation, only he has autism, not Asperger’s. Kids like this absolutely do exhaust whatever resources the public schools provide. Yes, they are legally required to work with the child, but sometimes, there are no good solutions. Nearly every family I know who has a child in this situation has had to go to considerable expense (and often into debt) because there is usually a wide gap what the district says they need and must pay for, and what the child actually needs. And sometimes, no one really knows, because no single case is “textbook.” So you do the best you can in the moment, knowing that with normal growth, hormones, and changing stimuli, what the child needs could change from month to month.
@Aspieration , I applaud you for making social skills a priority. My nephew, now 21, is sorely lacking these because my brother and sister-in-law chose to make other things their battle. Not faulting them (well, maybe a little), but he is now suffering the consequences of not knowing how to get along with his fellow humans.
Even when parents attempt to make social skills their battle, there’s no guarantee that the kid will end up as an adult with acceptable social skills. I have friends who moved heaven and earth to teach their autistic kids social skills, and yet the kids are now adults with obviously deficient social skills. Parents do their best, and it works out however it works out. If you never had an autistic kid, thank your lucky stars, and don’t fault other parents (even a little) who had so many more challenges than you had.
@Cardinalfang, OP welcomed “thoughts, comments, criticisms, etc” in her original post. I’ve seen nothing from her to suggest otherwise. So while I understand your sensitivity on the subject, it is possible that she welcomes a robust exchange of ideas and opinions, including those suggesting alternate approaches or future problems.
@roycroftmom , I believe @“Cardinal Fang” 's comment was directed at my post #60, in which I stated that I faulted my brother and SIL just a bit for not making my nephew’s social skills a priority. I should clarify that I am not unfamiliar with the challenges (I have a son on the spectrum). My point was to encourage the OP to make this a priority.
And yes, I do question why my brother and SIL did some unhealthy things that even their doctors told them not to do, but those are not relevant to this discussion.
My oldest son was somewhat like OP’s son growing up. Super smart, though he never tested off the charts, just in the profoundly gifted range. We tried meds starting in second grade and he was on Adderall pretty much through HS graduation. We originally lived in NYC but moved to the burbs when he was entering second grade.
After a lifetime of not meeting his potential, and not giving a hoot about the things he wasn’t interested in, he finally graduated from an alternative HS and went off meds. He tried community college and flunked out - he earned only A’s and D’s… He worked as a delivery person and at a computer store. Finally, as he was about to age out of my health insurance, I sent him a long text telling him he had to get a job. He took an online test and is now a USPS mail carrier. He’s almost 30 and has been doing this for over 3 years. Last year, after 10+ years of no meds, he chose to go back on Adderall and we see the change for the positive it’s had on him.
When my son (who is the oldest of 5 and the only one on the spectrum) was the age of OP’s S1, I spent what I now realize was an inordinate amount of time worrying about his grades and whether other people perceived him as being smart. I could have focused more on his social skills and adjustment. Fortunately, he learned many social skills from his siblings, who always just accepted him for who he is. He has friends (most of whom date from his alternative HS days and some of whom are friends of his 3 younger brothers).
My son loves baseball and played (badly but with great enthusiasm) through 7th grade. He was diagnosed with proprioception issues and the baseball helped him alot. He did swim team for a couple of years. One thing that I can recommend that worked for us was a course of neurobiofeedback which we did when he was about 11. He wants to do it again now, but his insurance doesn’t cover it. He also spent years in scouting and loves camping, etc.
My son doesn’t have the college degree or the career I dreamed of for him. However, he is happy, gainfully employed, has a girlfriend, has friends and is spending the weekend in a New England city that he drove to by himself to meet friends and hang out. He’s a terrific, wonderful person and I hope that when you are on the other side of, OP, that your son makes you as proud as mine makes me.
"meds should be the last resort " - That seems like a reasonable approach. OP (and the caregivers) understand the situation better than anybody. But as a casual observer reading this thread (and remembering I am glad we gave it a shot for our challenging teen even though ultimately they did not help) … school #5 seems possibly into last-resort territory.