<p>Juillet, thank you–I think you put it very, very well. I wonder if she had all the same rules when she lived at home in high school–and how she got her family to buy in to following them.</p>
<p>I am glad to learn that RAs get mental health training, although I think the RA might not have caught on to the severity of the case for a while longer because she had so much she was dealing with.</p>
<p>What a terrifying story. I would have flipped if my child were in such a situation. We should be able to assume that our kids’ rooms are a safe refuge for them, shouldn’t we? The other girl’s parents make me very, very angry. It is astonishing that they only see the world through their own lens and have no concern whatsoever about the welfare of the girl who had the bad luck to end up rooming with their daughter–and now has to have her own college experience (not to mention safety) jeopardized.</p>
<p>boysx3 - thank you for the update. I’m happy with the way the matter has been resolved. All the best to ‘Betsy’ for her college career!</p>
<p>For all of you bashing the roommates parents… do you not know people in real life who are adamant about sending a kid off to college, even if people who have known the kid for a long time think it’s a huge mistake (or a potentially tragic mistake?)</p>
<p>Not just mental health issues… I know parents whose kids have substance issues, online gaming, ADHD/Learning issues, executive functioning problems, emerging eating disorder… and the parents get miffed at even loving and concerned expressions from family members and friends who suggest that the kid might try a semester at a local college before heading off to a dorm.</p>
<p>Good luck with that. It is very hard to tell a parent who is aggressively advocating for their child to be treated “just like everyone else” that their child is not ready/not able to live independently in an academic environment. Even a kid who doesn’t have medical/mental health issues but whose parents have been hauling him or her out of bed every single day, serving breakfast, dropping the kid off at school, managing the homework, completing the college applications (snowflake is too busy) and basically acting as personal assistant… that kid may not be anyone’s idea of a dream roommate, especially if the kid and parents expect the roommate to perform the same organizational roles.</p>
<p>Hard to be objective about your own kid, that’s all I’m saying. So before you go all judgmental about this kid’s parents… how readily would you accept a concerned friends comment that your kid might not be ready to dorm? How many of us keep an open mind when a family member tells us that our beautiful daughter is actually at an unhealthy weight and is looking skeletal and scary and not slim and attractive? How many of us brush off a neighbors concern about our son and his friends kid vomiting in their bushes last Saturday night at midnight before he walked in before curfew?</p>
<p>blossom…There’s a big difference between advocating for your child while being objective about any issues they might have and having blinders on regarding those issues.</p>
<p>Since none of us lived in the roomie’s home we don’t know for sure what behavioral issues she exhibited prior to leaving for college, so I can’t say whether the decision to let her live in a dorm was reasonable or not. However, continuing to blindly defend her actions after destroying someone else’s property and issuing a threat (yes, the scissors in the mattress constitute a threat IMO) is completely ridiculous.</p>
<p>Every parent sees their own kids through rose colored glasses, but ignoring serious mental health issues and the actions brought about as a result is WAY beyond that level.</p>
<p>Ironic that I was listening to Kevin Breel on Good Morning America talk about the stigma of teen mental health problems as I read Blossom’s post [Kevin</a> Breel, 19-Year-Old, Explains What It Feels Like To Be Depressed In Beautiful TEDxYouth Speech (VIDEO)](<a href=“HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost”>Kevin Breel, 19-Year-Old, Explains What It Feels Like To Be Depressed In Beautiful TEDxYouth Speech (VIDEO) | HuffPost Teen) </p>
<p>[Kevin</a> Breel | Comic | Mental Health Activist | TED Speaker |](<a href=“http://www.kevinbreel.com/]Kevin”>http://www.kevinbreel.com/)</p>
<p>He said “when you tell people you have a broken arm, people rush to sign your cast. When you tell them you are depressed they run the other way”.</p>
<p>Yes, parents can be in denial and want their kids to go to college. But, once kids get to college they have to be able to self advocate, and if they cannot, then they may be destined for trouble. </p>
<p>Part of the problem isn’t, IMO, the perceived judgmentalism about the parents, who may or may not have known exactly how fragile their daughter was and, more importantly, her risk of disorganizing and becoming a danger to herself and others, but that the girl was seemingly sent to school without the necessary support systems in place for her, and she rapidly disorganized. </p>
<p>The goal of parents should be not just to get into and go away to college, but to survive the challenges, stress and pressure inherent in the college experience and thrive and succeed. If this girl needed that degree of assistance and structure at home to make it, then its unfair to her to expect her to survive without it (or to expect the unsuspecting new roommate to take up this role). It is a recipe for disaster. </p>
<p>Back to the stigma of mental health. Bravo to the OP for her diplomatic response to the offensive comments about the rights of the mentally ill and their “loopy activists”. Those kinds of insensitive statements are clear examples of why people do not openly discuss mental health issues. It is a true shame. </p>
<p>Please watch Kevin Breel’s video, which has been picked up by TED. [Kevin</a> Breel: Confessions of a depressed comic - YouTube](<a href=“Why we need to talk about depression | Kevin Breel - YouTube”>Why we need to talk about depression | Kevin Breel - YouTube)</p>
<p>*** crossposted with wolverine</p>
<p>blossom – Although we don’t have a child with a mental illness, we do have a child on the autism spectrum, so I’ve thought about this a lot. We were very willing to listen to others’ suggestions, think hard about what he might need, befriend his roommate’s parents, talk with him frequently (he calls or e-mails us several times a week), and visit every weekend. There is no way that we want to be blindsided by a problem, nor do we want him to be overwhelmed. He is doing fine in class, is dealing well with all the logistical challenges of college (laundry, bureaucracy, etc.), and has a wonderful roommate who includes him when he hangs out with his friends.</p>
<p>If the roommate’s parents called us with a concern, we would thank them for doing so and we would do whatever we could to help our son or their son.</p>
<p>A child with a mental illness needs even more support and oversight than my son needs. No, I don’t understand parents who just send a mentally ill child off to college without heavy support or who are in denial that there is a problem. We have always be proactive in learning what was going on with our son and how to help. I don’t understand how people who don’t want to learn everything they can about how to help their children – not just enable them, but get them real help and give them the tools they need to help themselves.</p>
<p>We don’t really know what the parents did to support or enlist support for this young woman. It could even be possible that the young woman had been on a medication regimen that worked well and that the parents therefore had every reason to think things might work out. (There reaction after the fact is obviously defensive and questionable, but does not necessarily mean they were in error in sending her.)</p>
<p>Many young people on medications, go off them when they arrive on campus.</p>
<p>Just for lurkers who might be interested in this issue on behalf of a child:
Register with the disabilities office, and have your child meet with a dean, therapist and/or psychiatrist on campus before leaving them there. Accommodations such as a single room can be very helpful, too,as well as various academic supports.</p>
<p>There are many students availing themselves of mental health counseling services. I have seen statistics like 50%.</p>
<p>For serious brain-based psychiatric disorders, such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, and psychosis, the situation can become really serious, as it did here. However, it is also possible to do really well in spite of these disorders. I recommend books by Kay Redfield Jamison and Elyn Saks. These authors are successful academics, practitioners and authors and can give hope to anyone reading this whose child might be developing a mental health issue.</p>
<p>The original poster has been tactful and even compassionate, and perhaps as a result the tone of this thread is much gentler than the usual threads of this nature that I have seen.</p>
<p>compmom: Thank you very much for your perspective. </p>
<p>What is your thinking about what is to be done when:</p>
<ol>
<li> a roommate seems to have a mental illness;</li>
<li> the illness is being expressed in unacceptable and bizarre ways but the roommate is not actually threatening, violent, or otherwise in verifiable and indisputable violation of a housing contract; and</li>
<li> the RA is unable to help in any significant way?</li>
</ol>
<p>For example: How would you have handled OP’s situation? Would you have your child keep the lights off, not have visitors, and be home before 12 for the entire school year?</p>
<p>Marsian, hugs to you and I’m sure it’s been challenging for you and your kid managing this transition so well.</p>
<p>I had a suicidal roommate Freshman year- I was 17, not very worldly, didn’t quite understand that the roomies parents thought I’d be a suitable “first alert” for their fragile child. So believe me- I’ve seen what happens when parents don’t think through a potentially difficult college transition.</p>
<p>I’m just saying it’s too easy to put all the blame on mom and dad. Yes, deep denial. Yes, D clearly didn’t belong in a college dorm. Yes, dangerous behaviors with red flags all over the place. But Universities shouldn’t have 19 year old RA’s watching 18 year olds. Guidance Counselors never said to the parents, “Hey, your D doesn’t belong in a dorm with another freshman based on how fragile her mental health has been this year”. Kids physician never brought up the living situation and how it might be a trigger?</p>
<p>I’m not buying that a kid goes from perfectly healthy on September 1 to cutting up university property on September 9th (or whatever the timeframe was… but pretty early in the semester for a mental health issue to emerge since drop off, don’t you think?) and I also don’t buy that there weren’t other people close to the family who may or may not have tried to intervene.</p>
<p>All I’m saying. Takes a village.</p>
<p>And I DO know parents who go ballistic when a guidance counselor suggests commuting for a kid who is not ready…</p>
<p>If by any chance the girl attended a large public HS, its quite possible the college counselor (who may or may not be the school guidance counselor) knew very little about the girl and may not have been privvy to her MH status. Add to that the delicate cakewalk that school staff often have to take with parents/student. And given the accusatory way the mom reportedly reacted to the roommate on the phone and the threat of litigation if the daughter was removed from school, it doesn’t sound like they were very open to feedback.</p>
<p>The OP’s situation brought back memories of this tragic incident:</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/1995/05/29/us/harvard-student-stabs-roommate-to-death.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/1995/05/29/us/harvard-student-stabs-roommate-to-death.html</a></p>
<p>When I mentioned “loopy activists”, I didn’t mean the mainstream mental health advocacy groups or their supporters, but some who would go to the extreme of blaming the victim for not walking on eggshells and doing whatever the roommate says in this case or who feel the victims should go out of their way not to "get them[mentally ill] in trouble with the school/authorities even when violence has happened. </p>
<p>While it thankfully hasn’t come up in the OP post/incident, I expressed this concern because I have encountered a few such folks both at my LAC and very recently when I got lambasted by a couple of acquaintances of that ilk when I had to call the police recently on an ex-friend with diagnosed Borderline/BPD who stopped taking his meds and then had an episode in which he attacked and seriously injured his roommate/close friend and tried attacking me when I tried to prevent the attack from going any further. </p>
<p>I’m sorry, but once violence happens…especially if I happen to be there, I’m going to prioritize the safety of those who are being attacked. Moreover, while the authorities like the police do have history of not always dealing with folks with mental illnesses, sometimes there’s no alternative.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No, in fact, I don’t.</p>
<p>I feel very sorry for the girl AND her parents. But what tears it for me is the mother calling Betsy–a young girl in her first semester at college, mind you–and screaming at her. Her daughter cut up Betsy’s clothes and <strong>stabbed</strong> her mattress with scissors! I don’t care WHAT went on before at home, whether they should have known, whether they did know: this is seriously disturbed and potentially dangerous behavior that could lead to horrifying consequences for her daughter, let alone other people. I can absolutely understand that the mother feels fear. But her reaction to it is not indicative of a well-functioning adult, IMHO.</p>
<p>Such a scary story. I am very glad she was removed from campus as soon as she was determined to be a danger to herself and others. At least maybe now she will get the help she needs. A total shame that the RA missed the boat and that things had to escalate to this level for that to happen. I would have taken a situation like that straight to the dean of students. As for the school, I hope that this will be the topic of many future training sessions. </p>
<p>It’s hard to know how functional this girl was at home or how much the parents knew. If she had her own room and her own routines that did not conflict with the parents, they may have seen very little of this behavior, or at least not anywhere to this extent. It’s also possible that the stress and disruption of routine triggered a first time major break in a susceptible individual. </p>
<p>As for the parents reaction after the fact, unfortunately, I can tell some shocking stories where otherwise intelligent parents had blinders on and were in a major state of denial when it came to their own child.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Behavior which constitutes harassment in many jurisdictions and IMHO…warrants having a cop or two come have a quiet talk with her about that call.</p>
<p>I hope the RA is getting counseling and support too. This escalated very quickly, and in the beginning certainly didn’t seem dangerous. </p>
<p>And I certainly hope that Betsy has an uneventful remainder of her freshman year. What a traumatic way to start freshman year.</p>
<p>cobrat, I really do not think that the <em>parents</em> have done anything that warrants the intrusion of the police. That would seem like straight up vengeance. Whether the police should be apprised of their D’s actions is another question.</p>
<p>No need for hyperbole, cobrat. There is no evidence of any “loopy activists” and using that phrasiology , especially when talking in association with delicate topics such as MH issues is highly insensitive and offensive. Nor is it necessarily wise of prudent to escalate to calling the police when the mother made an upsetting call to the roommate.</p>
<p>Lets stay focused on THIS situation. Not incidents from 20 years ago or some possible reaction by some hypothetical extremist people or tangential stories of friends or cousins. Its irrelevant.</p>
<p>By the way, most people would be concerned about the health and safety of BOTH the victim and the poor person suffering from the mental illness.</p>
<p>“For all of you bashing the roommates parents… do you not know people in real life who are adamant about sending a kid off to college, even if people who have known the kid for a long time think it’s a huge mistake (or a potentially tragic mistake?)”</p>
<p>Yes, I sure do. I work with them all the time. I specialize in working with families whose kids have screwed up their HS records somehow, so lots of mental illness, substance abuse, eating disorders, etc. as well as underachievement, cheating scandals, etc.</p>
<p>I frequently tell parents that I can find a school that will take their child next year, but that in my judgment, the child should not go. Some appreciate hearing an honest opinion from an expert, whether they agree with it or not. (In fairness, I’m giving them a prediction based on my experience; it’s a measure of risk, not an objective fact.) Others fire me and pursue assistance from people who don’t challenge their denial.</p>
<p>Denial is common, but it doesn’t absolve parents from their duty to deal with reality. When the truth hits them in the face, some turn a blind eye. The ones who want to man up/woman up and address the child’s problem usually can see through the denial with help. Choice plays a big role in determining the outcome there.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>In my observations, that may not necessarily be the case of equal sympathies for BOTH, rightly or wrongly, if the person suffering mental illness acted out violently. Especially to the point of threatening the life of a victim. </p>
<p>This is moreso the case if the parent(s) of the mentally ill individual involved in violently acting out blames the victim for the attack/consequences of said attack. Rightly or wrongly, both of these factors tends to cause most people I’ve known to have less sympathy for the mentally ill individual who violently acted out.</p>
<p>Most I’ve known would prioritize greater sympathy for the victim of the attack, especially if it resulted in injury or serious damage to property to the point a reasonable person feels it constitutes a threat to one’s life.</p>