Update on Uncompromising Roommate

Parents Forum
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<p>I received a few messages asking me for updates on what has happened with my friend’s daughter and her roommate.</p>

<p>The roommate was the one who made all the demands about no lights/no guests/no coming in to the room after midnight, etc., . The roommate posted her rules, and would not discuss, and would not compromise.</p>

<p>My friend’s daughter ultimately decided that she would just live her own life, and be an ordinary respectful roommate but with an equal right to use the room.</p>

<p>The roomie had an absolute episode, trashed all of my friend’s daughter’s belongings, slashing sheets, etc–and stabbed the scissors she had used in to the mattress.</p>

<p>So, the update–</p>

<p>–the RA did not realize that the girl was mentally ill. She just thought the girl sullen and uncooperative, but not as big a problem as all the students who were wild drinkers, or openly homesick, or having violent arguments with roommates–she was busy and overwhelmed with all the noisy wheels, and this girl had never sought her help.</p>

<p>The RA herself is only 19.</p>

<p>–the girl has been expelled from campus housing and apparently also expelled from campus. Her destruction of property not belonging to her was a big violation of the housing contract–so expelled from housing. And her stabbing the scissors in to the mattress was considered to show a possible danger to herself and others-- so she is gone, gone, gone. I do not know what the arrangements were with respect to her withdrawal/expulsion.</p>

<p>My friends did say that her parents threatened to sue the school if she was expelled from campus. My friends replied that they would sue the school if she was not. And my friends (he is a lawyer, she is a retired social worker) made sure the parents realized that their daughter would be called as a witness in any lawsuit, which could be and would be very stressful for her.</p>

<p>The RA traded rooms with my friend’s daughter, and she has a new roommate, a friend she had made from a forced triple on the floor. She wanted to stay on the floor with the friends she had made as a support system. All her friends are apparently being very supportive of her.</p>

<p>People who work at the entry desk are on alert in case the roommate should ever return but that seems highly unlikely.</p>

<p>My friends believe the girl has been hospitalized. Unfortunately, the girl’s parents believe it is all the “fault” of my friend’s daughter. It seems that the family has thought it normal to walk on eggshells to preserve the daughter’s stability, and that if only their daughter’s “rules” had been precisely followed, she would not have imploded.</p>

<p>So sad all around. But things are going much better now.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the update. Sounds like things were handled basically the way most CC posters suggested. It’s just now we have more background info on the girl, including that her parents were aware of her issues.</p>

3

<p>I am relieved to hear that things are going better for your friend’s daughter and that the student has been expelled. The RA must feel terrible about this, and she did the right thing in offering to switch rooms.</p>

<p>The student’s parents are either in extreme denial mode or have mental illnesses themselves. I hope they are all able to get the help they need.</p>

<p>Thanks for letting us know.</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the update. Glad your friend’s daughter is settling back in…</p>

5

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<p>Thank goodness commonsense prevailed and the safety of the students is prioritized over the rights of a mentally ill student who has demonstrated through her actions she is a danger to herself and especially to other students.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I’ve been around some loopy activist types who would be loopy enough to rally around the girl who flipped out and take her parents’ side in a potential lawsuit. Hopefully, this rallying and/or lawsuit will never come to pass.</p>

6

<p>Thanks for the update. It is a tragic situation all the way around, and it is unfortunate that her parents were apparently unaware of, or unable to accept that their daughter needed help. It is so unfortunate that mental health issues carry a stigma different from other medical illnesses. In light of what happened in DC last week, lets hope that we see some improvement in the evaluation and treatment of mental health issues.</p>

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<p>This is very sad. Possibly the girl went off her meds once she got on campus, so I would not rush to judgment.</p>

<p>This is a situation that could have been addressed by accommodations. If the girl had registered with the disabilities office, with documentation, she could have had a single in a quiet dorm.</p>

<p>The “uncompromising” aspects of her behavior were actual real needs, which should have been addressed in some other way, not by making demands on a roommate.</p>

<p>My daughter had a room mate like this and did walk on eggshells the whole year. It was hard.</p>

<p>It is always possible that this girl’s illness emerged when she left home and arrived at college, and that she is now getting help.</p>

<p>There is no way to tell what the history is. I just want to express sympathy to both girls and both families and the hope that the roommate gets treatment and can move on in her life too.</p>

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<p>I can’t find the original thread…Was this a freshman dorm/floor? Personally, I think it’s very irresponsible of a college to post a 19 year old RA for freshman. My son’s RA is a Senior…I’m almost positive at his college they have to be Juniors or Seniors to RA a freshman floor.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the update. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound as if the other girl’s parents are going to be of much help to her. One can only hope that some professional will be able to get through to them and they will finally take their D’s issues seriously.</p>

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<p>Wow, just wow. I am happy to hear your friend’s D is OK and is rallying.</p>

11

<p>Thanks for the update. Unreal.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the update. I hope you daughter has a better second half of her first semester and that things go well for the rest of her college career.</p>

13

<p>I am just relieved that only material items were slashed and destroyed and that the roommate did not turn on your DD. That is always a risk when dealing with someone who is dangerously mentally ill.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your expressions of concern.</p>

<p>compmom, you are right–the girl is mentally ill and should not be judged as a “bad” person. A bad roommate, perhaps, but not a bad person. Obviously as I don’t know her family, I don’t know when her problems began to emerge. But the feeling I get from what I have heard is that she has had difficulties for a while at least, and that the family had dealt with the situation by walking on eggshells and expecting everyone else to do so as well, instead of getting her the help she so obviously needs.</p>

<p>I think that a single room in a quiet dorm might have helped some–for example, this situation would not have developed–but I still think she might have still gone over the edge just from the stresses of college life.</p>

<p>It bothers me that some posters think it is a contest for people to take sides for or against a mentally ill person and their respective “rights.” Keeping relative rights of students/mentally ill rights out of it–one roommate destroyed property belonging to the other roommate, and took an action that physically threatened another student–both actions being violations of campus rules, resulting in a student being removed from campus. Those were the only issues presented to the university administration.</p>

<p>There have been no “loopy activists” of any sort involved here–no one has ever taken the stance that the roommate has any special claims because she is mentally ill. NAMI and other organizations exist to help the mentally ill retain the rights that they have as equal people, and would never take the stance that a person who is violent should remain in a general dorm.</p>

<p>Although I don’t know for sure, I suspect that if the girl should get to a place where she is mentally stable, and would agree to remain on her meds/continue meeting with her therapist, etc. , she might be permitted back on campus.</p>

<p>I feel very sorry for her parents–it is like watching the person that they have loved and have had such high hopes for vanish in a puff of smoke to be replaced with a nightmare. I am sure that it is hard for them to acknowledge the extent of her mental illness and they were just lashing out at the “easier” enemy. So much easier to blame the episode on the terrible roomie who set her off than on an innate medical flaw in their daughter.</p>

<p>My heart goes out to them and to their daughter. I hope that she gets the treatment that she needs .</p>

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<p>^^^what I also meant to say is that NAMI and other organizations would advocate for her to have access to mental health assistance on campus, and would have encouraged her to use the access without fear of stigma. NAMI might have advocated training for the RA to recognize the signs of mental illness in a resident–although even then, the RA was just getting to know all the new students on the floor, and this happened just 3-4 weeks into first semester, and , as I noted before, she was busier than busy with many students having issues settling in to college life, and the louder wheels were getting the attention.</p>

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<p>The roommate’s parents sound like they are in serious denial. Understandable of course, but I hope they make progress on that front so that they can ensure she is properly treated and continues to get the support she needs.</p>

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<p>I’m glad the college took the correct action. I would not think it unusual for a family to adapt to someone they may very well have labeled simply as “quirky” so it is not surprising to hear of their “reaction.”</p>

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<p>Thank you for the update. I have been praying for “Betsy” and her former roommate. What a tragic mess for all concerned.</p>

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<p>Very sorry for that young woman, but happy that your friends’ daughter is in a better situation. </p>

<p>“Unfortunately, the girl’s parents believe it is all the “fault” of my friend’s daughter. It seems that the family has thought it normal to walk on eggshells to preserve the daughter’s stability, and that if only their daughter’s “rules” had been precisely followed, she would not have imploded.”</p>

<p>How on earth did they expect her to go off to college? Why not keep her at home and have her commute to school?</p>

20

<p>^A lot of parents are in denial about what their children can handle, or they want more than anything for their child to just be “normal” and be able to enjoy and have what mentally healthy college students have (either for the child’s sake or the parents’ sakes, or both). I’ve seen several of these cases in my own work in residential life. A lot of times if you’ve lived your whole life with a person who has requirements like this…that becomes <em>normal</em> to you, and you may have a distorted view of what expectations should be for her peers.</p>

<p>I am glad things worked out for Betsy, and I sincerely hope her former roommate is getting the help she needs. Also, kudos to that RA once she realized the magnitude of the situation.</p>

<p>As a side note, RAs on most campuses do get training in how to recognize the signs of mental illness and suicidality. We also have a very stringent reporting structure for cases like these - they’re always escalated up the chain of command.</p>