updated essay...please comment

Graduate School
#1

<p>Hi all, I have updated my essay, making some of the advised changes and adding new sections, I would like to complete this over the weekend, so comments much apprectaietd!</p>

<p>thanks guys
:</p>

<p>As a child, the series "Cairo Jim" inspired in me an interest in the ancient world and archaeology. However, for practical reasons I entered the world of Information Technology, earning my degree from Queensland University of Technology. Since then I have worked in a number of increasingly diverse positions and situations, performed contract work around the world, and earned a masters degree in Computer Science.</p>

<p>At the Queensland University of Technology, I engaged in a comprehensive undergraduate study of the four computer science sub-disciplines: data communications, software development, information systems and multimedia applications. I believe my academic and intellectual pursuits are well suited to the wide discipline field of Archaeology, because of its applications in reconstruction, modelling and simulation to aid in a better understanding.
One important thing I discovered while earning my undergraduate degree is that I had a strong desire and gained joy from teaching people, helping them understand and passing on knowledge. This manifested itself as being offered a tutoring position in university, due to the fact that I was able to demonstrate my knowledge of the subject exceptionally well, until it went further, assisting lecturers with research and holding private tutoring sessions. </p>

<p>In part because of my teaching and professional experience, I was appointed as Teaching Assistant/Peer Mentor in QUT’s General Education Program. In working with a course titled Object Orientated technology, it was my responsibility to develop curriculum for “mentor sessions”, which accompanied the main course sessions. A significant portion of this year-long course examined the methods and practises of developing software using an object orientated approach, its differences, advantages and disadvantages in both professional and academic contexts. It was vital for the “mentor sessions” to consider and test concepts and understanding.</p>

<p>Also during this time, I gained an interest in travel and exploring the cultures and peoples of the world, starting with a coast to coast tour of the United States and Mexico lasting 3 months, later travelling all of 2005 across Europe and Asia, while completing contract work remotely and locally. It was an amazing experience to meet and make new friends, and perhaps more importantly see the ruins I had been determined to see since my childhood, such as Pompeii and Athens and the coliseum.I have acquired most of my knowledge and familiarity about the many archaeological sites only through my private readings, or by watching significant discoveries featured on Television. </p>

<p>During my masters of computer science course I had a further introduction to the world of research, having the chance to work on a thesis and be a research assistant in other projects. As of October 2006 my thesis is currently awaiting publication. My thesis discussed the possibility of bringing military grade security to end user computers, in the form of being implemented at the operating system level. Computer security is important for many reasons, and I would like to present this paper at a conference, and bring the ideas within to the attention of corporations able to make a change. Further to leading tutorial groups and teaching, working on my thesis gave me the experience of expressing and testing my own ideas and concepts, something which I would like to continue at the next level, albeit in a different discipline, however one which can benefit from my previous experience.</p>

<p>In line with my computer science background, which is largely a mathematical and logical science, I had a desire to undertake a different type of learning, in part inspired by my travels, seeing the worlds cultures, and wanting to better understand them, I made an effort to teach myself Standard Mandarin, which I am now at a third year level, and have a basic reading and speaking knowledge of German.</p>

<p>Computers have long been used by archaeologists for tasks such as recording excavation plans, illustrating artefacts and presenting the results of scientific analyses. Lately computer generated images have become commonplace in television documentaries, film and the publishing industries, however, if we are to avoid misleading representations of how a site may have appeared, then the computer generated environments should not only look real, they must simulate very accurately all the physical evidence from the site. It is my goal to utilize my extensive computer science background to aid in making new discoveries in the field of archaeology.</p>

<p>The specific research areas I am interested in include the archaeology of complex societies including gender and animal relations, with a specific focus on Greek and roman societies and influence. I can use my knowledge of languages and computer science to help in reconstructing models of ancient societies and interrelations.</p>

<p>While I was pursuing my academic qualifications I was simultaneously working in the computing industry developing research projects for companies. My duties ranged from designing concepts, looking at previous work done in the relevant areas, to prototypes and implementations ready for mass marketing.
My relationships with my professors, my teaching and research experience, and my commitment to interdisciplinary work are formative of my plans to pursue graduate study at Cornell. As a student within the Archaeology Graduate Group, I would welcome the rigorous study of the discipline’s history and development, theory and methods, and would find comparative Archaeology paradigms particularly useful for pursuing my dissertation research. Studying for a MA in the Archaeology Program at Cornell would be an unparalleled opportunity for me and I would dedicate myself to making the most of this opportunity.</p>

#2

<p>This is about a hundred times better than the first draft you posted here, so good work. The biggest problems I see now are the numerous spelling errors, grammar errors, and run-on sentences. The content also still has room for improvement, but this is much, MUCH superior to your original post.</p>

#3

<p>i know about the grammar and spelling, but i consider them last minute things. what kind of content changes would you suggest. I know a lot of people seem to have a theme or motif...ie an opening quote and closing quote which is relevant somehow, do you think that would help?</p>

#4

<p>updated again:
As a child, the series "Cairo Jim" inspired in me an interest in the ancient world and archaeology. However, for practical reasons I entered the world of Information Technology, earning my degree from the Queensland University of Technology. Since then I have worked in a number of increasingly diverse positions and situations, performed contract work around the world, and earned a masters degree in Computer Science.
During my time at the Queensland University of Technology, I engaged in a comprehensive undergraduate study of the four computer science sub-disciplines: data communications, software development, information systems and multimedia applications. I believe my academic and intellectual pursuits are well suited to the wide discipline field of Archaeology, because of its applications in reconstruction, modelling and simulation to help aid in a better understanding of the ancient world.
One important thing I discovered while earning my undergraduate degree is that I had a strong desire and gained joy from teaching people, helping them understand and acquire new knowledge. My desire to help people manifested in the form of a tutoring position being offered by the university, due to the fact that I was able to demonstrate a comprehensive knowledge of the subject.While working as a Teaching Assistant/Peer Mentor in QUT’s General Education Program, specifically with a course titled Object Orientated technology, it was my responsibility to develop curriculum for “mentor sessions”, which accompanied the main course sessions. A significant portion of this year-long course examined the methods and practises of developing software using an object orientated approach, its differences, advantages and disadvantages in both professional and academic contexts. It was vital for the “mentor sessions” to consider and test concepts and understanding.</p>

<p>During my masters of computer science course I had a further introduction to the world of research, having the chance to work on a thesis and be a research assistant in other projects. As of October 2006 my thesis is currently awaiting publication. My thesis discussed the possibility of bringing military grade security to end user computers, in the form of being implemented at the operating system level. Computer security is important for many reasons, and I would like to present this paper at a conference, and bring the ideas within to the attention of corporations able to make a change. Further to leading tutorial groups and teaching, working on my thesis gave me the experience of expressing and testing my own ideas and concepts, something which I would like to continue at the next level, albeit in a different discipline, however one which can benefit from my previous experience.</p>

<p>In line with my computer science background, which is largely a mathematical and logical science, I had a desire to undertake a different type of learning, in part inspired by my travels, seeing the worlds cultures, and wanting to better understand them, I made an effort to teach myself Standard Mandarin, which I am now at a third year level, and have acquired a basic reading and speaking knowledge of German.</p>

<p>The specific research areas I am interested in include the archaeology of complex societies, gender roles and relations, animal relations and religious placement, and a specific focus on Greek and Roman societies and their influence. I can use my knowledge of languages and computer science to help in reconstructing models of ancient societies and interrelations, making use of and improving GIS applications, written language translation and 3d model reconstruction of excavation sites.
While I was pursuing my academic qualifications I was simultaneously working in the computing industry developing research projects for companies. My duties ranged from designing concepts, looking at previous work done in the relevant areas, to prototypes and implementations ready for mass marketing. Some of the research in the professional world I have been responsible for included the centralizing home automation technology which is currently being mass produced after being purchased by a company, and integrating building alarm systems with video camera footage to detect anomalous movement.
My relationships with my professors, my teaching and research experience, and my commitment to interdisciplinary work are formative of my plans to pursue graduate study at Cornell. As a student within the Archaeology Graduate Group, I would welcome the rigorous study of the discipline’s history and development, theory and methods, and would find comparative Archaeology paradigms particularly useful for pursuing my dissertation research. Studying for a MA in the Archaeology Program at Cornell would be an unparalleled opportunity for me and I would dedicate myself to making the most of this opportunity.</p>

#5

<p>I would change the starting sentence a bit. I would start with something like this: My interest in archeology and ancient history began when I warched the program..... It makes the begining more formal and gives it a "start"</p>

#6

<p>apart from that its ok?</p>

#7

<p>Over all it is good. I especially like this part "During my time at the Queensland University of Technology, I engaged in a comprehensive undergraduate study of the four computer science sub-disciplines: data communications, software development, information systems and multimedia applications. I believe my academic and intellectual pursuits are well suited to the wide discipline field of Archaeology, because of its applications in reconstruction, modelling and simulation to help aid in a better understanding of the ancient world" because it breaches the gap from your old subject to archeology. Only one suggestion I would give you is to talk a little bit more about Archeology/ancient history in the middle part of the essay and a little bit less about computer science.</p>

<p>Over all it is very good.</p>

<p>P</p>

#8

<p>thanks :)</p>

<p>would you say talk more about archeology in general, or how i can help use my computer knowledge to aid in my archaeology studies...</p>

#9

<p>I would say mainly just more about archeology and your interests in it.</p>

#10

<p>That's really cool you are interested in technological approach to ancient history and archeology!</p>

#11

<p>one rule i seem to have encountered through various sources of advice:</p>

<p>NEVER start off your SOP with "As a child..." or, "Ever since I was young," etc. I would change that opening sentence.</p>

#12

<p>u mentioned earlier how u wanted to incorporate a quotation of some sort. here's an essay i found at essayedge.com (i'm not affiliated with them) that managed to do it very well.</p>

<hr>

<p>"This semester," bellowed the teacher as he addressed the room of high school seniors, "I will make you all chemists." The class let out a collective groan. The teacher continued unfazed. "You will all have to complete a real research project using the facilities of local universities." Like most of my classmates in the AP Chemistry course, I dreaded the huge amount of work that loomed before me. Little did I know that this work would help determine my future. In the months ahead, I committed more time to this one course than I ever had before, poring over chemistry textbooks and working in the laboratory into the early hours of the morning. I always had an inkling that my future lay in science and technology, and this experience proved it beyond question. The methodical laboratory preparations, the interweaving of theory and practice, and the tangible results of a successful experiment all appealed to my disciplined and inquisitive nature. By the end of my senior year, I had developed a solid foundation in the principles of chemistry, and just as my teacher had promised, I was on my way to becoming a chemist.</p>

<p>Despite my growing interest in chemistry, I still harbored dreams of becoming a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force at the time of my high school graduation. Even as I spent my evenings in the laboratory for AP Chemistry, I woke up early in the morning to run and do a routine of sit-ups and pushups. I was preparing for the rigorous physical and mental demands of the Air Force Academy. Over the course of previous summers, I had experienced the sweeping rush of glider school and had soloed in my first motorized aircraft. I hoped for the challenging life of an Air Force pilot and was on my way to making it a reality through sweaty self-discipline and intense mental focus. On one sunny afternoon, I saw a thick letter with a Colorado postmark in my mailbox. I was now a cadet at the Academy.</p>

<p>As with all military institutions, the first years at the Academy were intensely demanding. Strenuous endurance tests, high-level academic work, and hazing by upperclassmen made a junior cadet's life extremely trying. Nonetheless, I thrived during these years because I never lost my sense of focus or my love of chemistry. Even as I dreamed of being a fighter pilot, I found my chemistry courses to be highly engaging and challenging. All cadets were given a choice of academic tracks, and I had chosen science and engineering. As in high school, I worked in the laboratory late at night and ran early in the morning. Whenever I got fatigued, I just remembered how close I was to fulfilling my goal of becoming a pilot. </p>

<p>After a visit to the ophthalmologist one day, my dreams of airborne glory were abruptly shot down. My vision did not meet the Air Force standards required of pilots. It was a crushing blow, and at first I did not know what to do. Nonetheless, I knew that I was not without direction. Once again, my life pushed me towards studying chemistry. This was a subject that I knew I would enjoy, so I packed up my science textbooks, threw away my flight training manuals, and headed back to my hometown college, the University of Texas at Austin (UTA).</p>

<p>As much as I had loved chemistry before, my studies at UTA convinced me that I had found the right vocation. I was particularly inspired by Dr. John Rove. Like my high school chemistry teacher, Dr. Rove knew that the best way to instill an appreciation for the field was through active research and meaningful laboratory work. He believed that one should never learn from a book what one could learn from a beaker, flask, or Bunsen burner. As soon as I explained my experience and interest in the field to him, he offered me a position in his group doing research on the decomposition mechanisms of electro-optic dyes. The research I performed involved finding suitable organic dyes for electro-optic modulators. After months of grueling work and wise guidance from Dr. Rove, I was ready to present my research at regional and national meetings of the American Chemical Society. Networking with chemists from around the country allowed me to glimpse not only other possible fields of chemical research, but also the potential career options I might want to pursue. Had it not been for Dr. Rove's personal guidance and help, I doubt that my future career plans in chemistry would be as clear as they are today.</p>

<p>Because of my two-year commitment to the United States Air Force, I was unable to apply to graduate school directly after college. Instead, I spent two years serving as an intelligence officer. From this job, I have greatly improved my analytic ability, communication skills, pressure management techniques, and patience as a researcher. Like chemists, intelligence officers often have to construct coherent models of reality from incomplete pieces of data. This position has offered me insights and training that no classroom setting could match. Nonetheless, I am ready to return to my first love, chemistry. </p>

<p>Although my life has taken some unexpected turns in the last few years, the field of chemistry has been an unwavering companion and a source of intellectual interest. Whether it was discovering research in high school, learning advanced chemical theories at the Air Force Academy, or presenting my findings at meetings of the Chemical Society, the lure of studying physical structures has always guided my decisions. My advanced research in electro-optic modulators and my course work in classes such as Molecular Orbital Theory have given me the analytical ability, laboratory skills, and theoretical knowledge to excel in a rigorous doctoral program. During my Ph.D. studies, I intend to focus on inorganic and materials chemistry in order to design new materials for use in industry. By a stroke of fate, the weak vision that prevented me from becoming a fighter pilot allowed me to envision my future as a successful chemist.</p>

#13