URGENT: Essay Review

Parents Forum
1

My son’s academic adviser is out of town today, so can someone read over his Yale supplement essay and give any last minute advice for edits? The prompt is to write about anything. Even say if you think it’s a bad topic. Thanks!

Inspiration (n) –

  1. The drawing in of breath; inhalation.
  2. The process of being mentally stimulated to act, especially creatively.

Inspiration. Most people know what inspiration means and feels like. But where does inspiration come from? I believe that the two definitions above are intimately connected, that the exciting of our minds occurs when we draw into ourselves an external energy that is as vital to life as the breaths we take.

One chilly November day when I walked into band, my director had the word “Inspiration” written on the board. When class started, he told us that music, like life, is nothing without emotion, and that we all had something that inspired us in our pursuits. He encouraged us to reflect on what we were inspired by, and to draw from that source to better understand ourselves as both musicians and people.

In the weeks following this discussion, I thought about what has inspired me. I have been repeatedly asked by my peers why I devote most of my free time to activities or choose rigorous courses. I tell them the honest answer: I just want to.

“But why?” they ask. “What makes you want to push your limits? We’re only in high school; don’t you want to enjoy it?”

One evening, a few weeks later, I was playing drum set in a concert for Harmony Bridge, a program that brings music to the elderly in nursing homes. Between songs, I looked out into the crowd and saw faces filled with pain and confusion. When the music started again, however, their countenances would brighten; some even began to cry. They fervor with which they thanked us emotionally overwhelmed me as I thought about how much a simple act brightened these people’s otherwise dismal lives.

Later that week, my Squadron Commander at Civil Air Patrol made an announcement. A cadet had recently been selected to attend Civic Leadership Academy, a highly selective tour of government offices and museums in Washington, D.C. That cadet was me, and among the congratulations offered, one stood out. Someone who had joined about 8 months prior came to me and said: “Sir, this week I was considering quitting CAP. I thought that there was nothing here for me, but your leadership and pursuit of excellence have inspired me to stay and pursue my goals.”

As I drove home that night, I again felt a sense of self-actualization, that I had made a difference. It was at that moment that I realized what inspires me. Knowing that my actions can inspire others has inspired me to be who I am. I want to live a life where I can help others be the best they can and inspire them to achieve greatness. I want to learn because learning excites my mind and empowers me to contribute more to society. I am inspired by my potential to make a difference in the world. What inspires you?

2

It strikes me as a bit clichéd; kind of trying to sound like the person he thinks Yale wants him to be. Ex. "But why?” they ask. “What makes you want to push your limits? We’re only in high school; don’t you want to enjoy it?” seems contrived-- multiple people actually speak like that? The anecdote in the second to last paragraph also feels fake. I’m not saying it is, it just comes across that way, as an “oh, shucks” humble-brag. Also, I’d definitely take out the last sentence. When I taught my ninth graders essay writing this year, I regret telling them a rhetorical question was an acceptable way to end an essay-- it’s rarely done well, and in this case, seems to be trying to make the Yale adcoms embark on some profound introspection, which won’t happen.

Also, “these people’s otherwise dismal lives”-- harsh!

3

@receccar do you think that the topic is inherently cliched, or if he makes edits to it that it can still sound authentic? Thanks for all your great input!

4

I think any topic can be a good topic as long as it’s written well and interestingly. I also think the dictionary definitions at the top contribute to it feeling a little cliched and inauthentic.

5

If you want to PM me, I would be willing to discuss if not too late. There is a typo in there, by the way (should be “the” not “they” before fervor.)

There are ample opportunities to get across accomplishments and honors in other parts of the application. Including them in this kind of coy way in an essay is a turnoff. Character is important to schools like Yale.

I initially liked the definitions, expecting an interesting link between the two, and was disappointed.

For a kid like this, writing straightforwardly about something perfectly ordinary might work better. Tell him to look at photo albums as “inspiration” for a different essay :slight_smile: What kind of thing did he do for play as a child, for instance?

6

Its usually recommended not to put an essay directly in a thread.

7

^I agree. I would never put an essay in a thread. I know on the UChicago thread, there is a discussion thread on posting your essay if you were an accepted student.

8

I agree with Rebbecar. This is an effort to integrate a resume’ into an essay that should be focused on the topic sentence. I quote:

  "I believe that the two definitions above are intimately connected, that the exciting of our minds occurs when we draw into ourselves an external energy that is as vital to life as the breaths we take."

I don’t see how the ‘humblebragging’ about the writer’s giving to others develops the idea that the writer is drawing in “an external energy that is as vital to life as the breaths we take.”

What is the nature and source of this external energy? By what means may we draw it in? Why is it vital?