USC Announces It Is Closing
USC President Steven B. Sample announced today that USC will be disbanding and closing the campus effective immediately. The announcement shocked many on campus. “My dad paid over $40K for me to come here and party, and the year’s not over yet! I feel so cheated.” exclaimed Susie Poseur, a 4th-year undeclared student. Professors packing up offices also expressed displeasure. “Now I’ll have to find a job where they expect quality research, where students ask questions that I’m supposed to answer” said one. Another expressed her dismay about the prospects of landing another job. “We work at USC, for gosh sakes! Who on earth would want to hire us?” The mood on campus was one of resignation and inevitability. </p>
<p>Sample sat down with reporters and went over the reasons the school is closing. “We know we deliver a far inferior product compared to the school across town, and we charge a lot more for it” said a chagrined Sample. “Our students are mostly the ones they rejected, our faculty is 2nd-rate. Sure, we’ve fielded a good football team, but somebody checked the dictionary again and discovered we’re supposed to be in the education business, not the entertainment business.” He added it was a mistake anyone could have made since the words are so close together in the dictionary. “And with the hiring of Neuheisel they’re probably going to beat us in football, too” he added. </p>
<p>Football coach Pete Carroll smirked and said “Looks like it’s back to the pros for me”, adding “Not that it will be such a big change. We could never get those kids to go to class anyway.” At least one former staffer seemed reconciled to the shutdown. USC Marching Band director Dr. Arthur C. Bartner said "It’s time for me to move on. How many times can you stand to direct a band that only plays one song? I tried showing them tapes of what a good band can do, like the one at UCLA, but their reply was always the same – `We know!!! Why do you think we came to USC?’ "</p>
<p>After an intensive round of meetings the only option the USC Trustees could agree upon was to close USC and turn the campus into an urban park. “We really believe that’s the best use for the land and resources, a real improvement over what we’re doing with it now.” said Trustee Annenberg. “Lord knows we never accomplished anything as a University”. Bulldozers are expected to start their work next Monday, and given the sub-standard building quality the teardown should only take a few weeks. “We looked everywhere, and just couldn’t find a structure worth saving” lamented Annenberg. After a lot of head-scratching the administration was able to find a suitable home for the library books, and Sample says the area elementary schools are delighted to accept them.</p>
<p>Plans are for all enrolled students to receive a USC diploma, regardless of length of attendance. “We’ve always known our degree doesn’t represent anything anyway”, says Sample, “so why not let everyone here have one?” For those students interested in actually learning something, Sample suggested first enrolling in a Community College to get up to speed, and then trying for a University of California campus. “The UC system is top-notch and most of our kids just can’t handle that kind of work without a lot of preparation” said Dean Gillman. The USC admission office had to scramble to catch all the admission letters before they went out, sending rejections to everyone. “Take that, UCLA!” crowed Director of Undergraduate Admission Timothy Brunold. “Finally we’re more selective. You can’t admit less than zero!” Reminded that the school was closing and he was out of a job, a frown slowly crept over his face as the realization dawned on him. </p>
<p>As part of the severance package for laid-off staff, USC plans to continue to accept online applications and put the money in a pool shared by former employees based on years of employment. “We always emphasized the role of management in reducing product cost”, said James G. Ellis, Dean of the USC Marshall School of Business. “People will be impressed we are driving the cost of running our admission department to almost zero!” He added that he didn’t expect the typical USC applicant to notice the school was no longer in existence.