Ha ha it is very funny that people tell me to take the keys away, when there is no car or keys. Thanks for that laugh. She cannot just simply move anywhere are you all kidding? There is no uber here. Ride service is very limited. Oh well, talk among selves if you like.
@LasMa there is only one thing on that list that applies
I did tell her if she messes up it is all over for her in regard to driving. I have been on her ass about using the phone and other things. I don’t use the phone at all when driving, but I do listen to Waze. I stopped reporting though.
Well, ouch. Folks here were just trying to be helpful.
DS#1 and I happened to be in So Calif. visiting schools when this situation happened. Elderly gentleman hit the gas instead of the brakes in a farmers market. Killed 9. 50 people hospitalized. http://articles.latimes.com/2003/jul/17/local/me-smcrash17 These are the extreme cases, but no one wants to hear about the accidents when anyone, including an older adult, makes a tragic error. I could give many additional examples, but this is the most compelling. Be safe.
@BrownParent, I know how frustrated you are. My mother and aunt both continued to drive after we saw the warning signs that they should not be behind the wheel. It is hard to recognize that your family member, who has been so vibrant and active is in decline. In my case, there was a bus for seniors that you could call and they would transport the senior to the store, MD office, shopping, visiting, church, etc. It was part of a local transit system. Is there anything like this available in your mom’s area? I would buy a book of tickets for them, it was quite discounted and helped for a couple of years while they were still living on their own. Another suggestion is to check with the social service dept. of the town in which she lives. They may have an advocate for the elderly that is aware of services such as transportation, senior centers at town halls, etc. This is a transition period for both your mom and the family and is perhaps the most difficult period of adjustment and finding services for your mom to fit her needs and lifestyle at this stage in her life. An elder advocate can also help to chart the course for the future and present options. Thinking of you, wishing you and your mom the best. I also found that posting on the elderly parent thread here on cc to be helpful. Sometimes you need help to a specific problem, sometimes you need to vent, people are very understanding.
Also she does not get lost. This was in a backwoods lake area that is away from any town. Yes, in CA we have that. No one would know where they were, it was remote. That is why I tried to teach her to use Waze.
I hope we (or at least) I didn’t sound judgmental. It is a tough issue and not something that is easily resolved.
It just shocked me when a person we knew, who was a very successful business person and experienced bike rider, was killed. Not wounded, but killed. Gone in the blink of an eye. Children and wife devastated.
So maybe we don’t know the point of starting the thread. Maybe we thought you wanted some feedback.
As ECmom said, you can keep an eye on the Parents Caring for Parents thread, a source of conversation and support. We worry about our elders and know it’s hard to know what’s right. Hope this works out for her.
The list doesn’t specifically have “bad judgment,” “distracted driving” or “tiredness” – your description of her driving – but I’m sure you’d agree that those things are incompatible with safe driving.
Jym is right; we’re trying to be helpful. Many of us have been through this ourselves, and it’s one of the hardest things about having an elderly parent. I wish I’d had this group to talk to and get ideas from when my dad’s driving began to deteriorate.
I have an in-law that lives in a distant state, and the situation there is that the elder wants to stop driving (has several of the warning signs on one of the earlier-referenced lists), but the in-town relative “designated driver” does not want to be the chauffeur, so the elder is still driving. Elder expects the in-town relative to do the driving when the elder stops driving, but the in-town relative is reluctant, so the elder is continuing to drive (not at night, not on highways). The other siblings (also out of state) are thinking that it would be safer for the elder to stop driving. Hope there is no accident!
Waze may be fine for highway driving and remote areas, but in city traffic it will take you the absolute fastest way even if the route is extremely convoluted with multiple turns, whereas Google maps will take you the fastest most direct route. Often way less confusing.
I think the issue of our oarents driving…or not…as they age is one that is probably the most sensitive of any decision. It impacts everyone.
There is a loss of independence when one, who has always driven, can no longer drive. There need to be plans of some sort in place for transportation, and this can involve other family members, senior transportation, friends or hired drivers. But it’s not the same as being able to spontaneously drive oneself.
For many elderly drivers, they are fully competent in most regards, so it’s not like you can just take away the keys. But often, they are aware that their driving skills are not as precise as they once were. And to be honest, that awareness is frightening to many.
I don’t think there is an easy answer here. We have seen it go several different ways:
One grandparent willingly surrendered his license at age 85. He gave his car to a grandchild.
One grandparent has medical issues, and the doctor told him he could not drive.
One grandparent is still driving. To be honest...it's iffy that this is a good idea, and some family conversations have taken place over this issue. At this time, no one...and I mean no one...will ride in the car when she is driving. So, when we are there, we drive our cars and pick her up. She won't let anyone else drive her car. I'm not sure what will happen on this one...but o know it is causing the kids on that side of the family some real heartache.
No easy answer.
I think we all want to see our loved ones be safe, as well as others around them. It’s a journey for sure to get to the right place.
OP - you can use this crazy accident and “hiding out” behavior as a way to begin talking about the problem and the changes that need to come with your Mom. Most elders will have to give up driving for one reason or another and she won’t want to be stuck in her home. Where would she like to be in 5 years? In 10 years? If she thinks she might have to leave her isolated house in the future it will easier to start that planning process now while she can be a bigger part of it.
a ha it is very funny that people tell me to take the keys away, when there is no car or keys. Thanks for that laugh. She cannot just simply move anywhere are you all kidding? There is no uber here. Ride service is very limited. Oh well, talk among selves if you like.<<
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I’m confused. Is she still driving? Are their keys? Or are you being sarcastic because it seems impossible to actually take away the car?
I realize it can be a very very difficult situation and the senior may resist.
Just try to think how you would feel if she killed or seriously injured someone. Could you live with that?
The OP said that the car was totaled so there is no car to take away. A friend is driving the rental car. I assume she was given a temporary rental car after the accident? Hopefully is it legal for the friend to drive it and the hopefully the Mom will not try to drive it herself.
I know you are getting unsolicited advice @BrownParent. But, if your mom is in an isolated area, this will have to be addressed at some time in the future if not now. Either she will need to move, or family members will need to make a commitment to make sure she gets help. We all age and will probably need some sort of assistance. Some more than others.
Good luck with the driving decisions. I have “outsourced” driving evaluations to other family members as I need my dad’s continued trust. But, I don’t think the other members feel as personally responsible for what happens and think I need to take over the responsibility. Comments from SIL such as “your mom is a good co-pilot and tells him when the light changes” made me realize I need to be the one driving with him and can’t trust her assessment of competency. I realized now that SIL feels she can’t afford the antagonistic relationship. I could have trusted my brother who died 1 1/2 years ago. Fortunately, mom voluntarily gave up the license.