It has been over a year since I posted my original inquiry. A year ago I was in high school. A year ago I had potential. I graduated as Valedictorian on June 1st, 2019 with the vague plan of attending the more expensive and hopefully more suitable option with an undeclared major. I was advised to take a gap year in the previous thread, but my parents wouldn’t allow it because they thought I would waste my time and be equally unprepared for college the following year as I was this one.
In August, I arrived on campus and spent the semester crying, self harming, and isolating. I lost around 20 pounds because I couldn’t bring myself to eat most days. I made zero friends, joined zero clubs, and went days without speaking a word (until I had mandatory group work). I lost all contact with high school acquaintances. I lost all my motivation to learn (something that I never felt in my rigorous high school experience) and got by in my classes by doing the bare minimum. I didn’t think I was going to make it through the second half of the semester, but I got by through visiting home over an hour away by car and two hours away by public transportation every other weekend.
By the end of the semester I had made up my mind to go on a leave of absence, but I hadn’t talked to my parents about it. They ended up being fine with it after seeing how miserable I was (and with COVID ruining everyone else’s spring semester I am further satisfied with that choice). I knew I couldn’t return though. I didn’t want to subject myself to that again. I am now working two part time jobs and my new plan is to attend the other school I got accepted to as a transfer and commute from home.
I picked my first school because I thought I would be happy there and that it would be worth the higher price tag. I was wrong. I feel like a fool. I’ve fallen so far since high school where I was at the top of my class and involved in countless extracurriculars. Now I work minimum wage and lay on my parents’ couch all day. I qualify as a sophomore despite my semester off due to my 12 AP classes, but that just means I have a year left to pick a major. I still have no direction. I still am not over the “temporary” disappointment of my rejections. I guess there is something really wrong with me.
I am posting here, anonymously, (despite anyone who knows me being able to recognize my story) because I thought someone might be interested to hear it. Not everyone is aspirational, not everyone will have a great time in college, and not everyone gets their life together. Everyone I used to know is happy and has a concentration. I will probably go down as a failure of a valedictorian, who everyone expected to do great things and who let everyone down. One year later, I’m still so lost. Oh well…
–One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt “No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent.” This bump in the road is no reason for despair – think of it as a reset.
– It sounds like you made the right decision for you by transferring to a college you can commute to. Going away to college is not the right choice for everyone. Recognizing what is right for you should be viewed as a positive, not a failure.
–Upon starting at your new college I would immediately seek out the counseling center to help you to work through your feelings.
–You are young and you have plenty of time to figure out your path in life. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to sort everything out immediately.
Just to continue what @happy1 wrote above, the only thing that truly matters is your mental health. So that is what you should work on first. When that starts to get under control, your studying mojo will start to come back, your social skills will come back, and things will get better.
It’s really easy to get through high school on momentum based on little more than other people’s expectations and years of head-down grinding with no pause for reflection. Unfortunately you arrived at your first school already in trouble and probably in need of some time off to get your feet under you. You got to do that after only one semester, so not a huge hole yet. Some people keep digging long after they should have stopped and taken stock of what they want, so as painful as it felt, it might have been a first step in the right direction.
For many kids rolling into college, this is the first time they are allowed much choice in what they do and who they want to be. It doesn’t go well for everyone, and your case is not uncommon. You’ve been making a lot of decisions without a firm grasp of You, and that won’t work now that you know that school for its own sake isn’t going to carry you through. The academic year you just finished doesn’t define your college experience until you get a chance to try it as you, on your terms. Take advantage of the time you have before the next school year starts and try to get your arms around who you are and what you want. You may not find an answer right away, and you may discover more school isn’t what you want right now. Keep your mind open to more possibilities than having this all figured out by September 1. Don’t choose nothing, and don’t feel compelled to name a major by Christmas. Most likely there won’t be a glowing black or white answer that appears by the end of summer.
And that leads to the most important point: you should find someone to talk through all this. If you are on campus this fall most schools have an office for that. If you don’t end up in school or you can’t wait that long then you should find someone who can help with self-harm, depression and getting moving again. That’s serious stuff that should be embraced firmly and not discounted. Handle it head on before worrying about if the rest of the world is tracking valedictorian outcomes.
You’re not even 20, you haven’t even started your second year of school, and you have a lifetime ahead of you to figure things out. Taking time now to learn more about yourself just means that five or fifteen or twenty five years from now it’s less likely you find yourself in a job or marriage or life that you still don’t like. Assemble some tools for taking care of yourself, decide who you are, pick a path, and when you’re ready you can start moving toward something you love. Good luck.
My best friend in high school went to university after we graduated high school. She ended up partying too much, studying too little, and flunked out. She came back to our hometown and attended community college (with me and a bunch of other people we were friends with). After getting her Associate’s, she transferred to a different, smaller private college, finished her Bachelor’s, went on to get a Master’s in a field she had never considered in high school or in the 1st year of college. She’s now a successful professional.
Life as you see it now is not how it will turn out to be. Give yourself a chance! Best wishes to you!
Lots of Vals flame out. Get some popcorn and look this up. It can be eye opening.
Self harming or cutting needs to be looked into. Lack of motivation. Crying.Isolating This is most likely a combination of mental health issues. You can wait another year and keep failing or do something now and get diagnosed and get treatment. Without it you will most likely continue this path. Your a smart kid. Time to start taking some actions that will affect the rest of your life. Make a doctor’s appointment https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm
Also at the end of the article there are 2 phone numbers. Use them for guidance. Don’t go back to school until a doctor your working with OKs it. It’s not a race. Work on you.
OP, please get yourself some help with a mental health specialist. Think of it like this, you hit a bump. You know you have great potential. You need to work on your mental health in order to figure things out. Nothing at all wrong with this. Please realize that many folks hit bumps in their lives. And many figure it out and move on to a wonderful life. Wishing you all the best. Please talk to someone.
Please get help. You’re not alone. Everyone gets knocked down in life…hard…multiple times. Picking yourself up, learning, and growing is part of the journey.
Maybe focus small. Just focus on today and working on one thing. Do the same thing the next day. Building up small wins is the best way to improve your outlook and confidence. Best wishes.