Vassar essay - opinions on my writing? It's short.

<p>I'm just wondering if the text is maybe missing something, if you think I might need to add something for it to be more effective, i've had it proofread but I feel like something might be off:</p>


<p>I first learned about Vassar through a friend of mine who applied there last year.
She was very interested in your art programs and spoke of how major it would be if she was accepted.
I was intrigued and began looking up information about Vassar. I browsed the website, taking special note of the French and Psychology programs as they are two majors I am considering. As I read, I became more and more interested in Vassar.
In addition to my interest in your academic programs, I am also drawn to your location and campus. When I moved to the USA in August, 2010, it was, for the most part, the first time I had lived in America. I am now able to travel and discover new places in this country. Poughkeepsie looks beautiful and I am keen to discover it. I am confident campus life at Vassar would be an enriching, life changing experience. Moreover, I am interested in Vassar due to its high selectivity and focus on an applicant's character and personality as much, if not more so, than their grades. Every person I have spoken with regarding Vassar has emphasized how important it is to show yourself as the unique individual you are and to show that you truly care about your education and world around you. Grades and test scores are important, but they do not define a person's intelligence as a whole and they certainly cannot convey a person's intense desire to learn more.</p>

<p>I don't think I would mention that Vassar's selectivity interests you. I like, and agree with the rest. :)</p>

<p>Well I wanted to mention that, because it means I view applying at their school as a challenge, but I can see why I should probably avoid that. I'll think about it, thanks!</p>

<p>you probably shouldn't post this where everyone can see it. i'd take it down. you should PM it to people interested in giving you feedback</p>


<p>Welcome to America. </p>

<p>I concur with turntabler, it would be wise if you didn't include selectivity as one of the reasons you want to attend Vassar. Some equate selectivity with prestige. I realize that wasn't your intended meaning, still.........
In all honesty, the vast majority students (and parents) consider prestige when deciding which colleges to apply, but it's gauche to admit it. ;)</p>


<p>I wrote in my supplemental essay(/paragraph) that I had originally been intimidated by Vassar's prestige and, prior to visiting, was not planning on applying... </p>

<p>Should I rewrite it? Is it a bad idea to say that?</p>

<p>^I think that might be a little different, but be sure to stress that prestige is not your number one reason for applying.</p>

<p>Thanks for the replies, I understand now how it could be misunderstood, I will indeed remove it then :)</p>

<p>Also, why should I take down this post? I just figured since other members were doing it, that it was okay. I don't think anyone would steal an essay like this?</p>

<p>I think you're good? I think if it's personal enough to be effective, it's personal enough to be useless to someone plagiarizing.</p>