This is my least favorite type of “friend”. I would certainly end the friendship, and demand the money. It is absolutely absurd to be a grown adult and back out so late and so flakily. Frankly, I’d go so far as to talk to her parents if you know her family and she’s hesitating coughing up.
In college, a girl in my dorm was assigned my room during the summer session. She asked if she could keep my phone line during the summer so that she wouldn’t have to pay the initial charge. She said she would pay the bill, so I said sure. Well, the bill came and it was HUGE - her friend had used the phone to call her boyfriend (long-distance calls cost a lot back then). The friend wouldn’t pay the bill, and the girl in my room said, “Sorry!” I was furious. In the end, my parents called the girl’s parents and we got our money.
A couple of years later, the girl showed up in my scuba diving certification class. Awkward!
I can understand flakiness and/or feeling coerced into doing something when someone is young and inexperienced. But if you give your word you need to keep your word. If you’re not sure, even the tiniest bit, you get to use one of the English language’s great modifiers like - maybe, I’ll have to check, depends on money, don’t count me in until I check my horoscope, etc. That lesson should have been learned at least a few years before age 25.
Your D shouldn’t need to be policing other people in advance either but she will need to with this friend in the future.
I am the DD’s age and in no way would I want my parents to get involved by calling the others’ parents (I doubt I’d even know how to contact them). At 25, you should be able to handle it.
If the friend doesn’t pony up and you can’t rearrange something (I like the suite idea), then that’s the end of the friendship. Of course, this is unless something catastrophic has happened but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
I won’t be contacting the young woman’s parents; I don’t know them and have no contact information. I haven’t heard from my daughter in a few hours so I’m hoping that she and her other traveling companions have figured out alternative room-sharing arrangements.
Good luck getting her to pay for the room. She may have used the bathing suit as an excuse because the real reason may be that she can’t afford it.
It’s also not exactly fair that the other gals have to chip in to pay to enable your daughter to have a single.
If she says she can’t afford it, I would say, “I understand, but you still owe it to me. What kind of payment schedule can we arrange?” I just don’t get deadbeats. 
I know the OP is venting. But this is something the 25 something daughter is going to have to,deal,with.
Finding another friend to pay for a last minute airline ticket seems unreasonable.
Most hotels will move in an extra cot, or have a room with two queen beds. Just be upfront about how many are going to be in the room, and my bet is the hotel will be accommodating.
And yes…I have shared a queen bed with a friend. It’s not the end of the world, and it’s a whole lot cheaper than paying for the full room alone when you don’t have the extra bucks.
We’ve just dealt with something similar to this mess.
A study abroad where the deadbeat would be sharing the flat with my dd for their internships.
I had a feeling from the beginning that this girl would not follow through, so I asked the company about 4 months before the trip about the split cost of the room:
**What happens if her friend backs out? **
They asked me, “is that likely?” and I said “very”.
So they said, "Do you want to pay for a single?
It would be less expensive to reserve and pay for a single now, before everything fills up, and before your dd gets stuck with the bill for a 2-person flat.
If your dd’s friend does cohabit the room, then we will refund your overage. I paid for a single without telling the dd. Thank goodness! We would have been stuck for a dual room/bath all summer!
The cop out excuse was: “Her parents said: ‘you did poorly on your MCATs, so you can’t go’.”
DD kept hearing: “I can afford it, my parents have money, they will pay.”
Thankfully, we paid for the single, and we used all of our mileage to send our child to Europe.
Really really dumb for this gal to have counted on traveling overseas as an airline employee “nonrev” during the summer high season.
I have friends who, last week, got stranded overseas for nearly a week trying to travel back home on a “buddy pass”. The money they saved on the airfare was entirely eaten up by the unexpected expensive hotel stays and restaurant meals.
My son had something somewhat similar happen this summer. His friend invited him to spend 5 or 6 nights at his lake house. My son scheduled the time off work, and then the guy kept jerking him around. First he couldn’t come one day, but could the next. Then the next, etc. At the end of the planned time, the guy actually suggested my son take additional time off, because now he was back and could host him. Yeah, right… And lose more money? I doubt they will stay friends.
I’d be as irritated as the OP! I’d say this is one ex- friend. I hope it works out that the three can share.
Well, age 25 doesn’t mean you know how this stuff works
Having been there, done that…'cause I travel a lot with women I know on a regular basis…
.1)–from Dadx—“One thing that you learn later in life is that there are some people who are reliably unreliable with regard to plans that you make with them.” SO true.
Pick roomies wisely. If someone is squeaking that they can’t make the trip–figure it out with first squeak. That’s the time to be honest about expectations. If you don’t think they’ll make the trip–don’t count on them.
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Stuff happens unexpectedly for the best of people. It just will. Have a plan B.
Be willing to try to find another person. Or hopefully your friends will take you in. -
Make expectations clear at the start. When I room with people they know up front that my portion is paid for. If I can’t go they are not responsible for my portion.
I think it takes getting burned once to realize how unreliable people can be and how important it is not to be the one left holding the bag. In my case I think I was around 23 when my GF and I arranged a cabin in Tahoe for several friends to share a skiing weekend. Two of the couples dropped out at the last minute, leaving us holding the bag for the full rental fee, although one later felt bad and voluntarily paid her portion which I appreciated.
It was a valuable lesson in either getting money in advance or staying out of the financial end of things altogether for group travel.
Honestly, this happens in family situations too. One of my BILs is famous for saying “the check is in the mail” and when it finally, finally, arrives, you can see from the postmark that he was full of BS! Makes me nervous about putting out money for any group of people doing something together.
This is such a frustrating situation and my sympathies are with your daughter. However…I also think this type of situation is one that can really be a learning experience for everyone involved.
Your daughter (if wise enough) has learned a few really important lessons:
- Don't make travel arrangements as a group that can leave you holding the financial bag. When I was in college, my friends and I planned a few group trips. I was lucky to have responsible friends and for each step of trip planning, everyone had to pony up the money necessary before the plans were 'finalized'.
- If you want to go on a group trip, figure out how much it would cost to go if you were doing it solo (flight, hotel room, food, etc), and figure out if the trip would be worth going on at that price. If you wouldn't do the trip at the price it would cost solo...maybe the trip isn't a great idea. Especially if everyone isn't paying their share of the trip in advance.
- If a friend who is supposed to travel with you starts making excuses - believe them at the first excuse. They are going to cancel on you and believing/understanding them at the earliest instance reduces your risks greatly. And this is where it gets hard...because I am going to say something that might not be very popular here...
3a. If a friend figures out (mid-planning) that they can no longer go on a group trip due to not having the money - asking them to cover the cost is pretty hard-hearted. They don’t have the money. It stinks to not have the money, its stressful, and lots of young adults are ashamed to have to admit they don’t have the money. This is where I think being a good friend would include understanding the other person’s position, and you could say that you are upset that their inability to pay makes things harder for you, but if this is a one-time thing…well forgiveness is a very kind thing offer.
Now, a caveat. This type of forgiveness should be a one-time thing. As I said before, when someone tells you who they are - believe them. I have friends with whom I would plan expensive international trips and would have no problem covering the entire cost in advance knowing they will repay me with no issues. And I have friends (whose company I enjoy and are delightful in many ways) who I wouldn’t order a cup of coffee for while waiting to meet them at the coffee shop for them because I know they would never pay me back.
Being able to create individual boundaries with different friends/acquaintances is a very important skill for all of us to have. While it stings to learn this lesson - as the OP said, it is only money. You can’t get money out of a rock and it might not be worth the emotional time and energy to try to do so. In the long run, while losing some money hurts - the lesson (hopefully) learn will be worth the cost of it.
I hope your daughter has a wonderful time on her trip, and figures out what solution works best for her.
Hmm, I’m not sure why your daughter is the only one left holding the bag, just because it was decided that she was rooming with the other girl? Is the rest of the group friends with this girl? It sounds as if they were all going as a group, so what would they have done if they had one less person? It seems that they should be able to work this problem out together, and not leave your daughter being stuck. Of course it would be nice if the girl pulling out paid for her share, but it sounds unlikely that will happen.
Some hotels charge extra for an additional person, so a single room may end up being cheaper with one less person. And since these hotel reservations sound cancellable, how about checking out how much a room for three people would cost, instead of two separate rooms? It is likely to be cheaper, if they can find something available. When we booked a room for four, with our kids, it has always been cheaper than booking two separate rooms (though harder to find). There are probably many other hotels they can stay at.
Here is my question…four people were supposed to go on this trip…right? And the lodging was supposed to be split four ways (with two girls in each room), right.
Well, now there are only three girls going. I haven’t heard anyone suggest that the accommodations should be split three ways because now there are only three going. I mean really…why would the other two get a break because they just happen to both be going? I think the lodging should be split in three parts.
I haven’t heard back from my daughter as to how the lodging situation has been resolved. I’m curious but also know that she tends to be a “no news is good news” type of person so I’m not bugging her to find out more right now.
I’d tell my kid that you are only as much of a doormat as you choose to be, and to call the other girl and ask her to cover the expenses that she is now stuck with. It may not happen, but if she doesn’t ask, it really won’t happen.