<p>CTRL-A, Del</p>
<p>Wow, some of you are reallly being jackholes about this. I might drop some of the arrogance and limit the references a bit, but I am not an admissions officer, I see a clearly passionate guy who definitely shows me who he is. Also, how far does this have to go before you people read the part about “rod” meaning “baton” and not some other guy’s genitals. Jeez, if you’re going to criticize his essay, actually finish reading it and use a ‘little’ thought. Goodness, it sounded more like you all rushed to your reply boxes to condemn him before you even finished reading.</p>
<p>The first time I read through this essay, I had no idea what was going on. The second time I read through it, I still had no idea what was going on. The third time, I finally caught all the allegorical and metaphorical aspects of the essay, but with considerable strain.</p>
<p>No adcom is going to have the patience to pick this essay apart and decipher its vagueness and haphazardness. Frankly, you don’t even give them any reason to.</p>
<p>Convoluted? Yes. Needs editting? Yes. Terrible? No. I thought there was something there, it just got lost in the imagery and fast-paced (way too fast) twisting and changing of scenes. Im going to go out on a limb and say this could be exceptional but you have to frame it the right way. I agree with others about the arrogance, lose it. The one good part about this essay is I heard a voice, maybe it was just screaming for attention like a diva. Im sure this is meant to be an “edgy insider look into the life of a gay teen boy” but it comes off as cliche and not that edgy, just rude.</p>
<p>Theres risky essays and then theres the ultimate risk essays, and this falls in the latter category. Don’t submit the essay, the chances of this working are not enough to merit using it.</p>
<p>on second thought, given low post and that Op gives real name and that OP has not responded yet, this might be a ■■■■■.</p>
<p>It’s not even risky, it’s just bad. It’s poorly written. College admissions officers are going to be confused when they read it. Stick with the topic if you like, but there is a difference between a college application essay and an English essay.</p>
<p>For anyone not sure if this is a ■■■■■- remember, colleges want kids who will fit and thrive, master challenges, integrate well into campus life and on and on. Your essay should reflect the strengths that will make you a successful student and engaged member of the campus community. Aim to be a “fit.” Even a renegade has to show that “fit.”</p>
<p>This is NOT what OP has done. Not for Yale. Anyone who’s read their web site knows what personal characteristics they seek. Even if you think it is a cute essay, it is NOT an appropriate college app essay. Except, perhaps for a “for profit” arts school.</p>
<p>As soon as I saw a personal name mentioned, at the top of Para 1, I knew we were in for something. Is the poster mocking another kid?</p>
<p>If Yale Admissions is monitoring this thread, please do not assume this is, indeed, from your applicant, Cale Creadie.</p>
<p>Slams have certain characteristics. The Orig Post here has those. Sorry, if I am wrong, but wow, it sure reads like Cale is your target.</p>
<p>apparently, some liked it and some didn’t.
Well you don’t want that.
What if the adcom is like one of the some who didn’t like the essay?
This topic is too extreme and too controversial.</p>
<p>I heard one guy wrote about aliens attacking his house and got accepted to Harvard; so who knows. It’s up to you but risky means risky.</p>
<p>The word “risk” implies that there is a chance of loss as well as gain. This essay only has potential for loss.</p>
<p>Edits I would make:</p>
<p>Replace “quicken” with “palpitates.”
Replace the first comma (after “face”) with a colon.
Replace “effing” with either “incredibly, vividly, lividly, and absolutely”
Replace “nasty” with “unpleasant”
DON’T mention Ke$ha. Mention someone that the adboard officers would know instead, Such as Tina Turner
After “Seventeen Magazine” put a “that” in there or else that sentence is hard to understand.
Maybe don’t say “big boy” but something more along the lines of “naughty one” because it gets the same idea across, but is less slang-y and explicit</p>
<p>Overall:
…a bit explicit, maybe tone down the risque factor. You can definitely emphasize your sexuality if you think it is a big part of your life, but you can do it in a less risque way. Maybe in a way that is more acamdeically toned manner.</p>
<p>I concur with what a previous poster said: the OP is clearly ■■■■■■■■, possibly at the expense of the real ‘Cale Creadie,’ whomever that may be. The content of the essay makes it blatantly clear that the writer doesn’t have a very high regard for gay men, since it’s essentially a regurgitation of every untrue stereotype that exists about us.</p>
<p>If you want to get into college, I would not use this essay. It’s not about the topic itself, but how you write about it. It will raise alarm bells in every admission office. Your style of writing shows immaturity and recklessness. Again, this has nothing to do with the content. Maybe if you pursued it from a more personal way, it would show your soft side.</p>
<p>They may like your essay as an entertainer, not an indicator of a strong personality. And even if they “feel” like accepting you, they won’t because you’ll continue crossing the line after this “prestigious acceptance”</p>
<p>i know this is old but what a ■■■■■, lol.</p>