<p>Hey guys, my name is Cale Creadie. I wrote this because I felt that my sexuality has been a major point of contention throughout my high school experience, and most of my life. I need the college admissions board at Yale University to see this side of me because it is an integral part of who I am, and I don’t want to be accepted on any other merits. Before you judge me, know that I am the valedictorian of my private school, scored a 2240 on my SAT I’s, and have varied and meaningful ECs. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me constructive criticism, I hope this isn’t too extreme, but I look forward to hearing your input! </p>
<pre><code>My pulse quickens. I close my eyes and I can hear the booming crash of waves
</code></pre>
<p>breaking against my face, Ken Paves Jessica Simpson extensions loosely braided through my weave. Hands wrap tightly around my stomach and twist brutally as they start to slowly claw up my body towards my throat, where I know a rod has been before. I force my eyes open and into the book splayed in my handsGQ. Letters blur together and the brightly colored post-its and highlighters my life partner stuck haphazardly to the pages mean nothing in my momentary straight state. My hands are jittering and the pages are gently rustling together, Cosmo says today is the first day of winter solstice. Fabulous! I gulp but the collar on my shirt has suddenly shrunk into a noose and I can barely swallow, let alone breathe, although it is a bit hot. That feeling of almost dying, yet still being so effing alive! I flash my eyes up, Smashbox eyeshadow covering from the crease to the lid and make contact with the dingy white washed drywall on the far side of the room, so nasty. Who even gets white washed drywall anyway. The clock tick tocks like Ke$ha off like a metronome as my heart skitters over sixteenth notes.
My first 45 minutes as a professional vogue-er were not pleasant ones, but by the end of the day I had won my first stiletto for individual poker points, and I wanted more, duh. I had developed an appetite for the look on an opponents face when their pants start to fray at the edges as I stepped up to the models first cross examination and tricked my opponent into taking their clothes off into a corner, contradicting themselves and disintegrating their integrity in front of the judge. I longed for the look on an opponents face as I pressed up next to them at my glitter box and railed them. Pose after pose undermining the very basis of their plan, turning the entire audience against them like the musty yellow color Seventeen Magazine tried to say was in. News flash *****es, its out. I craved the look of rapt attention from everyone in the room as a silky low tenor resounded from the side of the room. Attraction? Obv. Here I come, big boy.
Of course there are downsides to being gay, its taken me months for my parents to get used to my demanding in every day conversation, but Im simply just a diva. Get with it or get lost.</p>
<p>I agree with sickmuse…
Do you really think adcoms at Yale are going to know “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha? Really?
And if you’re going to say “*****es”, just SAY IT. Censoring doesn’t make a difference because Adcoms will know what the censored word is.
And “Obv”?? What were you thinking? Not everyone is familiar with the abbreviation for obviously.
And, you’re SUCH A DIVA!
I liked the ending though. But, I think you have to add some sophistication to your radical essay. </p>
<p>I think you should write as you normally would talk.
I feel like the first several sentences are written in a weird way… that’s not how you would usually talk.</p>
<p>And I don’t think you need to tell the adcoms about your personal life/everything about you. These are adcoms, not your friends.</p>
<p>But worthgold, that is how I normally talk…I’ve been called everything from abstruse to verbose on a bi-weekly basis. You can’t make an assumption that this is not how I speak normally, for you do not know me. </p>
<p>Furthermore, this isn’t my personal life, though it is somewhat allegorical; in my essay I describe a few minutes of a debate (I am the captain of Varsity Debate at my school), but I am trying to convey the happenings of my daily life (hence the random interjections concerning magazines and esoteric fashion faux pas.)</p>
<p>But randompiglet, thanks for the feedback! <3 Yeah I guess the censoring isn’t really necessitated.</p>
<p>My two cents -Overall it works but I would tone down some of the hyperbole like That feeling of almost dying, and I longed for the look, and the i think the comment about your parents sounds flippant. I would drop the last sentence and end with diva.
Love the Ke$ha reference but hate the seventeen one.<br>
“where I know a rod has been before” is not appropriate and I would also not use “life partner” - you are too young. Can you make it more playful?
I think it gives a good feeling for who you are.</p>
<p>Sorry everyone, by rod I meant baton, I’m a Whirler in the marching band. I guess I’m so used to its colloquial meaning in my school.
Also, I was supposed to delete that part when I took out a larger part out being in the band, but forgot to. Oopsies!</p>
<p>yet still being so effing alive! – do not use profanity in application essays</p>
<p>Smashbox eyeshadow – ahh, what?</p>
<p>Who even gets white washed drywall anyway. – that shows me a lot about you. A rather judgmental person.</p>
<p>like Ke$ha off like a metronome – ***FFFF?!</p>
<p>, duh. – On an essay?!</p>
<p>I had developed an appetite for the look on an opponents face when their pants start to fray at the edges as I stepped up to the models first cross examination and tricked my opponent into taking their clothes off into a corner, contradicting themselves and disintegrating their integrity in front of the judge. – That’s lovely, but who the heck is the opponent that you speak of? Other than that, you finally reached the main point, and near the end of your essay too…</p>
<p>Seventeen Magazine tried to say was in. – ***FFF!?</p>
<p>*****es – speak again?</p>
<p>Obv. Here I come, big boy. — what the **** are you trying to say?</p>
<p>I didnt get 3/4 of the feces youre trying to say. </p>
<p>Your essay is about a DEBATE?! I though it was you working on a S&M magazine…</p>
<p>Bearing in mind that the adcoms have to read hundreds of essays, I’ll bet that their tolerance of and enthusiasm for convoluted/artsy essays is pretty low. I think this is a very risky essay, and the question is do you want to bet your admission on rolling these dice?</p>
<p>You actually think this will get you into Yale? Get with the program b1tch. You haven’t accomplished anything in your life to merit yourself as a ‘diva’. You think ivy leagues want stuck up snobs like you? Get with it or get lost.</p>
<p>@Aptester–chill bro, seriously. But I have to agree with you to an extent. </p>
<p>From a person who has no idea who you are, (just like an adcom), I thought it was, HONESTLY, garbage. Your exaggerating a lot of stuff, being too racy, and I know you were going for unique, but it didn’t work. Just start over. You have a chance at Yale, don’t blow it over an essay. Show me your personality, but don’t show me the part that I won’t like. What if the adcom is 40 or something like that, then this is really gonna F you over. And for the record, your essay contains too many allusions which makes the overall story somewhat obscure. The first lines seem like your trying to hard to reel the reader in. It feels totally fake. I STRONGLY advise you to start your essay completely over. But if your such a diva and a risk taker, go for it…P.S. Last line of your essay makes you sound like a thug.</p>
<p>First of all, just to clarify, Cale is a guy.
Secondly, I’ll concede that there’s a lot of inappropriate things said… such as a “rod” hitting your throat. If you want to talk about taking dick, say it in a more eloquent way. </p>
<p>Cute interjections though. But lose the Ke$ha. There’s nothing cute about replacing a letter in your name with the money sign.</p>
^is that wat you really meant?..come on dude. Honestly were you going to submit this essay to Yale! Dude, you stats are good, so you should be smart enough to know that nobody wants to hear about your sassiness and divaness and complete disregard for everyone but yourself (this is how you come off in your essay)</p>
<p>I advise you to start your essay again and not be so flippant next time.
I can make out that you were quite passionate about what you wrote while writing, but the problem is I couldn’t get half of what you said.
Tbh, I thought it was some girl talking about her glamour magazines.
The essay tells me that you like reading a lot of fashion magazines but doesn’t really tell me much about you. :p</p>