<p>"Opie, but I thought I’d help clean up the numbers. "</p>
<p>no sweat. not offended at all…</p>
<p>I just don’t understand the logic of some here… it’s seems like what starts as a gift for some, ends up as a chore… </p>
<p>All I wish for my kids is whom ever they decide is right is a loving caring person that’s all. If that occurs before marriage fine… I only hope it occurs after marriage as well… I feel sorry for those who save such a thing only to find the person they saved it for can’t make them happy or is selfish. What a pity…</p>
<p>dke are you talking about funding for prescription BC or also condoms? Do you have a link, since this is interesting? Its good to know that the students use these so they are upset that they may no longer be provided. </p>
<p>At S’s college, there are bowls of condoms on the counter at the front desk of all the dorms. This is a very marginal expense to help lower the hassle (and loss of revenue) of kids dropping out from pregnancies and STD’s. I imagine the college will continue to budget this expense.</p>
<p>Opie–</p>
<p>No kidding! I don’t see all this stress on the timing of meeting a loving caring individual. It fits with a view that somehow the world only provides you one “soul mate.” I can’t buy that. I’ve seen too many happy second marriages by widows and widowers, not to mention divorced people.</p>
<p>Reading about that makes me all the more appreciative of the fact that my college is able to provide free birth control as part of its health insurance plan. Dartmouth also provides free condoms through the undergraduate advisors (equivalent to RA’s), but in a long-term relationship where STD’s aren’t an issue, the pill is infinitely more convenient.
<p>07Dad, I heard about it on NPR this a.m. and its also been written about in the NY Times but I don’t have a link. I think they were referring to BC pills. Cameliasinensis,STD’s can still be very much of an issue in long term relationships…HPV can take awhile to show up as can chlamydia.</p>
<p>I’m sure that we’ve all heard the derogatory term “sl*t” used primarily towards females. Or the term “promiscuous”. </p>
<p>So we just take an attitude that no standard is set for morally regulating who and when virginity is lost. You like each other? No problem that you lost your virginity, it just didn’t work out. Well, I think that everyone knows that there is a line that eventually gets crossed into promiscuity. When is that line crossed?</p>
<p>I mean, I have a friend that has had at least 50 different men. Some were one night stands, some were relationships. She has 3 kids, all out of wedlock. She’s regarded as a “sl*t” by the men that I know.</p>
<p>So please tell me the sexual standard to follow if we can’t just draw the line at “sex goes with marriage”.</p>
<p>cameliasinensis, I don’t know whether you have confronted the issue yet or not, but there are some good reasons why many students choose not to use generic brand birth control pills – so while the Dartmouth policy helps, it also limits options, as those who want a non-generic option would have to go off campus to get it. My d’s college fills all generic prescriptions for $20 in any event, and our own insurance plan allows generics to be filled for $10… so at least where my daughter is concerned, the cost of anything available in generic form is not the problem, whether or not the college chooses to subsidize it.</p>
<p>How about starting with “act with respect and love towards others and towards yourself”? (That “others” includes people you are not having sex with, too.)</p>
<p>chlamydia doesn’t have any symptoms sometimes, so it can be hard to detect. They do test for it during pregnancy though.
I had an ex boyfriend who called me after he had moved to another state to tell me I gave it to him.
Guess what * honey, I * didn’t have it.
Supposedly they are supposed to screen for that yearly, but while I had a pap smear, I don’t remember them doing a test for chlamydia at the same time.</p>
<p>She’s regarded as a "slt" by the men that I know.*</p>
<p>I think that says something about the men that you know.
I realize there are women and men who have sex without taking precautions, without caring about the person that they are getting naked with & possibly not even realizing why they are doing it.
But I wouldn’t respect anyone who would call them a derogatory name, anymore than I would respect someone who called someone afflicted with alcoholism " a drunk"
There really isn’t any call for it.</p>
<p>whatapainthisis-- hard to say when the line is crossed. it differs for everyone and every situation.</p>
<p>(i’m a senior in college.) i know girls who have slept with 2 or 3 guys, but talk about it all the time, or have had sex in public. this is considered “slutty”. then, i know girls who have had sex with 20+ guys but are not considered slutty because they keep that part of their life private.</p>
<p>i’ve skipped ahead in this whole post, but if we’re still talking about whatapain’s daughter:
i think she should be commended for being so open about her feelings and concerns about situations in college. i feel like things may be hard for her to adjust to. she may make some poor decisions–but who hasn’t?? i think her opinions and values she’s put forth to this point will keep her on the right track overall, even if she veers off of it every now and then. sexually, or otherwise.</p>
<p>Ok, so polite men of character never call a woman a sl*t. But I don’t believe that they don’t think it. The real question is at what number of sexual partners? It can be pretty arbitrary. I’ve read advice columns where a woman met the man of her dreams, who was a virgin, and one partner was too much for him. I’ve known women who have slept with many men, and then move on to marry, so obviously those men did not care. </p>
<p>I have heard from men that when a man sees a single mother, he assumes that he will be able to get sex from her, and that she is easy. But it only takes one act of unprotected sex to become a single mother! </p>
<p>How many times do you have sex or how many people do you have sex with before the act of having sex itself is “not a big deal anymore”? And is this what we want for our kids? For sex to “not be a big deal”?</p>
<p>If you look at career woman portrayed on TV, like Ally McBeal, you see women who have deferred (or opted out of) marriage to focus on a career. It’s almost a given that career woman in their 20’s and 30’s who are unmarried will be having sex. How the heck do these people get past that first time of “Just so you know, I’m totally about my career, and I will not be making a commitment to you”? If people actually said how they felt, their would be a lot less premarital sex.</p>
<p>Given the number of women in my family who’ve gotten pregnant out-of-wedlock, I think it is very fair to tell my daughter that if she is going to have sex before marriage, she should be willing to be a single mother. Period.</p>
<p>Hey, just cause your all messed up, don’t assume the rest of us are. The stuff you describe is not a normal day… and it’s not an average day or experience for alot of others…</p>
<p>it doesn’t even have to be unprotected sex- as you mentioned its possible for birth control to fail, as your family seems to be very fertile.</p>
<p>I don’t even think of asking the question " when is sex not a big deal". To me that isn’t the issue. Rather the issue would be, Do I allow myself to be talked into things I don’t want to do/are against my beliefs/comfort zone?</p>
<p>Am I fully responsible for what I do with my body? Do I treat it with respect, not attempt foolhardy leaps off mountains, use chemicals so heavily that I can blame subsequent behavior on the chemical, wear a seat belt/a helmet/a condom?</p>
<p>Do I see the connection between getting enough sleep/eating healthy food/getting enough exercise and how I feel?</p>
<p>In short, am I behaving like a responsible adult or am I passive allowing things to happen to me for which I can later abdicate responsibility?</p>
<p>Yes, but for some people, life is well lived if you are “happy” or experiencing “pleasure” in the moment. So a person may feel it is perfectly valid to have sex with someone solely to experience the pleasure of that moment. But many people would consider this “bad”. Most people do not want to acknowledge sex purely for the sake of physical pleasure is “ok” to do, outside of a committed relationship.</p>
Yes, I guess. When I was my kids’ age, sex was a very big deal – a source of confusion, shame, fear, worry, feelings of inadequacy and power, mystery, and, occasionally, pleasure. I spent a lot of time worrying about it, as did almost everyone I knew. I worried about rejection, inadequacy, STDs, pregnancy, and feeling guilty because maybe I really didn’t like her that much and she DID like me, or sometimes devastated because she didn’t. I worried about what others would think – was I having too much sex, or too little?</p>
<p>Ten or fifteen years later, sex was pretty much purely an expression of love and a source of pleasure, happiness, and fun (with just a tinge of anxiety about inadequacy, and enough uncertainty to make things interesting). Wonderful, and not a big deal. That’s marriage; I like marriage (for everybody).</p>
<p>I hope everyone gets to that point, or something like it, with or without marriage. I wish my children were there now, even as I’m sure they’re not.</p>
<p>Flame away, but unmarried (protected) sex is “ok” purely for the sake of physical pleasure for both females and males. But, if a person is conflicted with shame or guilt by this idea it may not be actually physically (much less mentally) pleasurable to that person. And, believe me, we are not all alike on this issue. </p>
<p>I believe procreative sex generally should be reserved for a committed relationship.</p>
<p>If you’ve learned one thing from this thread, I hope it’s that everyone does not believe what you believe, or have your attitudes. “Most people do not want to acknowledge sex purely for the sake of physical pleasure is “ok” to do, outside of a committed relationship.” I disagree with that. I think “most people” think that’s fine, as long as the participants are both on the same wavelength, and are both capable of consent and consenting, and aren’t exploiting or hurting anyone, or forcing others to watch them, or breaking other commitments they have made.</p>
<p>What do you, personally, think? It’s painful, so much of what you say involves trying to live up to what you believe others expect of you, or judge you for. It’s hard to separate what you believe from what you think is convention. I think that can sometimes be awfully destructive, both for you and for your daughter.</p>
<p>So a person may feel it is perfectly valid to have sex with someone solely to experience the pleasure of that moment.</p>
<p>I would agree- I have had sex- just because it was fun- I don’t regret that.
It wasn’t within the context of a “committed” relationship- but it was with someone I liked and enjoyed their company- but it was a casual relationship.
Within a casual relationship- nothing is really a big deal.
Going out to dinner is just going out to dinner- meeting their grandmother is just meeting their grandmother.</p>
<p>But when you are in a relationship that you hope will* become *a really big deal- ( or you misunderstand the relationship and read more into it than there is) everything is fraught with portent. Meeting his mother is significant, every topic at dinner has hidden meaning- deciding whether or not to do “that” has repercussions. Its not the act its the mindset.</p>
<p>*But many people would consider this “bad”. *</p>
<p>Then I guess they wouldn’t be having sex in that situation.
So I don’t see the problem?</p>
<p>People, I am here to learn, or I wouldn’t waste my time here. I don’t profess my views to be the correct ones. At least I am open and honest enough to say where they came from.</p>
